


a reason for living

by chasingfire



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Drama, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Psychological Trauma, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Romance, Slow Burn, posie - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2020-02-08 18:41:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 45,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18629032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingfire/pseuds/chasingfire
Summary: Westport mental facility is Josie Saltzman’s new home. After the death of her father, there's no one left to look after her. Youth care decide to put Josie in a mental facility where she reunites with her sister. Struggling with PTSD, Josie meets new friends, enemies and the devil herself; Penelope Park. However, there’s more behind Penelope than Josie thinks. She faces the hard reality of living in a mental institute, wondering if she’ll ever fit in.ora posie fic with loooooooots of angst and some fluff i guess





	1. newbie

I stepped inside of the building that would be my new home. I hadn’t even got the time to comprehend that I’d spent the rest of my time here… with all these crazies. Yes, I knew I needed this, I knew there was no one else left to take care of me and I would be reunited with my sister, but something inside of me, said that I was in a too good of a mental state to be placed in this horror place.  
  
“Miss. Saltzman, are you coming?”  
  
I looked at my mentor from youth care and followed him to the reception. The woman was busy typing some things down before she looked up at us. She took off her glasses and immediately opened her mouth, “Welcome to Westport. You must be Josie Saltzman.”  
  
I nodded at her. “That’s me, indeed.”  
  
The woman behind the desk nodded in response and typed something down in her computer. It took her a while before she looked up at my mentor and I again. “Can I have your date of birth?”  
  
After she also got other personal information she needed, she called someone to come pick me up to show me around and show me my room. After a few minutes a woman in a white coat came up to us and reached out her hand for me to shake. “Josie, right?”  
  
I nodded and shook her hand, looking back at my mentor from youth care, questioning what I was supposed to do now, but the woman spoke up before he could say something. “I’m nurse Emma Tig, someone you’ll probably see around a lot. I’m going to show you around and show you your room. Any questions?”  
  
I shook my head and Emma flashed me a close mouthed smile, “Well, then I guess it’s time to say goodbye and go.”  
  
I shook my mentor’s hand and said goodbye, the nurse then motioned for me to follow her.  
  
We walked through some halls and every time there was something important to point out, we both stopped walking and Emma gave me some information on it. I had seen the meds room, the cafeteria, the ‘living room’, toilets and now we were on our way to the classroom. Yeah, that was also a thing; I’d have class every day, to at least learn _something_. We came to a stop at a room that said _psychiatrist Dr. Williams_.  
  
Before Emma knocked on the door, she gave me some more information. “All the new patients will have a first time meeting interview with Dr. Williams. He’ll just ask you some questions, mostly about your diagnoses and what else is going on in your life. After this, he’ll get me to show you your room and roommate.”  
  
I nodded in response before she knocked on the door. A dark skinned man opened the door with a clipboard in his hand. He looked up to me and flashed me a smile. And for the third time today, I had to introduce myself. I shook his hand, “Josie Saltzman.”  
  
He smiled at me and motioned for me to come in, “You’re a new patient here, huh? Let’s get to know each other. I’m doctor Dorian Williams.”  
  
I sat in a chair across from him as I watched him sit down with the clipboard and pen in his hand. He instantly began asking questions. “So, do you know why you’re here?”  
  
“Because I have PTSD, caused by my father’s death and because there’s no one left to care for me, I guess…”  
  
He scribbled some things down on his paper. “Right. I just want you to know that post traumatic stress disorder doesn’t define who you are, _you’re more than your diagnoses_ is what I always tell my patients. Do you have medication for your PTSD?”  
  
I shook my head. “No… it’s all happened so recently that I haven’t had the chance to see a doctor about medication.”  
  
He nodded and scribbled some more things down. “Do you often have nightmares now? Do you relive what happened to your father often? Do you feel anxious throughout the whole day?”  
  
“Yes,” I started. “All of it. I can get panic attacks at any moment of the day, I haven’t slept normally in what feels like years and I’m just so exhausted.”  
  
“Mhm,” he then said before scribbling more things down. “I’m going to prescribe you the medication olanzapine. It’s often used for people with schizophrenia and psychoses, but it also helps you with sleeping better and the anxiety that flows through your body. So… I think I want to try this with you. How does that sound?”  
  
I was never a fan of medication. People often overdosed on them, people could become crazy because of the side effects and I just didn’t trust it. But I had to try something to get rid of the horrible feelings, thoughts and nightmares I was dealing with, and so I said, “That sounds good.”  
  
He looked up at me with a close mouthed smile and put a dot on the paper. “Then let’s try it out, right?”  
  
I nodded at him as he typed something in on his computer and called Emma, the nurse, to come get me again. Before he handed me over to Emma, he said one last thing, “You will get your first doses by tonight. And Miss. Saltzman?”  
  
I turned my gaze towards him.  
  
“I hope this place will make you feel at home.”  
  
He then disappeared behind the closed door and I was left with Emma who motioned for me to follow her. We walked through some more halls until I noticed us passing room by room. After a few rooms, we came to a stop. She handed me my bag; the bag that first had to go through security to make sure that everything in it was safe, yes this place was really… strict. “This is your room. Your roommate is Hope Mikaelson… she’s nice once she gets to know you and she could get you to reunite with your sister again,” she said, flashing me a smile. “I hope you’ll feel at home here and if you ever need someone, just press the red emergency button in your room.”  
  
Once she was out of sight, I took in a deep breath of air before softly knocking on the door. A girl who was slightly shorter than I was, opened the door. She looked me up and down, just as I did to her. I noticed how emaciated she looked and how hollow the look in her light eyes was. Only then I realized that we stood there in silence, but she decided to break it and introduce herself. “I’m Hope. Hope Mikaelson. And you are?”  
  
I shook, for the third time this day, someone’s hand and introduced myself. “Josie Saltzman. Nice to meet you.”  
  
She looked at me with furrowed eyebrows when she heard my name and then looked up at me, “Saltzman? As in Lizzie’s sister?”  
  
I nodded at her and raised an eyebrow at her. “What’s wrong?”  
  
She shook her head and motioned for me to come in. “Nothing, I’ll get you to see her soon. Come in.”  
  
I stepped inside of the room. There was a bunkbed on the left side, a desk, two nightstands, a radio and a door that opened a bathroom with a shower and toilet. It was basic… but I guess we had everything we needed. My eyes wandered over the light gray walls that had black quotes written all over them. It were quotes about life, quotes about positivity and for now this place didn’t feel as horror as it did before… it was actually quite peaceful so far. I then also noticed the red emergency button.  
  
“Pretty cool, huh?” Hope asked, sitting down on the bunkbed while pointing at the wall.  
  
“Yeah,” I stated, “It’s quite optimistic here.”  
  
That word made Hope laugh and she looked at me with a close mouthed smile. “You seem like a nice new roomie.”  
  
I shrugged and chuckled, “I hope I’ll be. But new? What happened to your previous roommate?”  
  
Hope sighed deeply before speaking up, “She passed away…”  
  
I instantly regretted asking the question, “I-I’m so s-“  
  
“It’s fine,” Hope cut me off. “I’ll get you to meet my friends… and your sister.”  
  
As she motioned me to follow her, we walked through some hallways I’d seen before. After a while we arrived at the cafeteria and right when Hope walked in, I heard someone yell at us… or well… _her_.  
  
“Hope!”  
  
A girl with blonde hair ran towards her and embraced her into a hug, when they pulled away, the girl looked at me with confusion all over her face.  
  
“A newbie?”  
  
Hope nodded and pointed at me. “Her name is Josie Saltzman… Lizzie’s sister.”  
  
“Twin sister,” I interrupted, shaking the girls hand to introduce myself. God… how many times would this happen today?  
  
“Ah, so you’re the famous Josie Saltzman. I’ve heard a lot about you from your sister over there. I’m Noa. Noa Walker,” the girl said, pointing at my sister sitting at a table along with some other friends.  
  
When we began to walk towards them, I saw my sister looking up at me in confusion. She ran up towards me and I felt her arms around me. “T-they put you _here_?”  
  
I sighed in our embrace. “Yes, they did.”  
  
When we pulled away she placed her hands on each side of my face and looked at me with a smile. “I missed you so much, Jo.”  
  
“I missed you too, Lizzie,” I sighed, smiling back at her. She then turned around to introduce me to the other friends. She pointed at two boys sitting next to each other, “That’s Kaleb and MG.”  
  
She then pointed at the boy sitting in between Hope and Noa. “That’s Rafael.”  
  
“Hi.”  
  
It was the only word I could get out as I saw all their heads turn to me. I could punch myself for sounding so stupid… but what else was I supposed to say? Everyone waved at me or shook my hand in introduction. I sat down beside the boy who I believed to be MG and listened closely to the conversation the friends were having.  
  
“Where has she been?”  
  
“I don’t know… I heard from Ella that she’s just not feeling well.”  
  
“Yeah sure,” I heard my sister interrupt.  
  
“Penelope just doesn’t want to face us.”  
  
“Why wouldn’t she?” I heard MG ask next to me.  
  
“Because she wishes me dead, that’s why.”  
  
Wishing dead upon my sister? What the hell was she talking about?  
  
“Dead? You? What’s going on with this _Penelope_?” I asked in confusion.  
  
Before Lizzie could even say something, Rafael spoke up. “Basically they both hate each other and want each other dead.”  
  
I turned my head towards my sister. “Why would you want someone dead, Lizzie?”  
  
I saw how my sister was balling her fists as I mentioned it and Noa decided to answer for her. “Let’s just say that some shit went down between the two... you might as well call Penelope Park the _Devil Herself_.”  
  
“That’s… heavy…” I trailed off, looking at my sister as she seemed to calm down again.  
  
“Let’s just talk about something else, shall we?” Hope then said, trying to change the subject.  
  
“Well…” Noa started, “I heard from Ethan that there’s another newbie coming in today. Name’s Landon Kirby or something.”  
  
“Exciting,” Kaleb said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.  
  
MG punched his shoulder and then spoke up, “I think we should always welcome our newbies. Right, Hope?”  
  
I saw how Hope was deep In her thoughts. Rafael waved a hand for her eyes and that’s when she came back to reality. “Uh yes… yes for sure.”  
  
A deep conversation then went down. Everyone talked about their diagnoses… and while I knew what my sister had, I didn’t know what everyone else was dealing with. Kaleb was here with schizophrenia, MG was here with SSD, Hope with epilepsy and anorexia, Noa with suicidal depression and Rafael with a bipolar disorder. Yeah, it was a mouth full, but it was also interesting to hear about everyone’s stories. No one would judge anyone when things would go wrong, no one would look up weirdly when someone would suddenly leave because of a anxiety attack, because of dark thoughts that would enter their brain or because they just couldn’t deal with socializing anymore.  
  
My sister had been here for almost a year already. She had a horrible youth, dealing with NPD and ODD. Her whole life she’d been the opposite of me; always full of herself, putting herself above everyone else, having extreme anger issues, she just couldn’t control herself. One day she’d fought my father into the hospital and that’s when she got hospitalized here. For now, it seemed like things had changed a little bit and that put a small smile on my face as I looked at her.  
  
It was then that the question was fired at me. “So, why are you here?”  
  
I became silent, I froze. Everyone had such a heavy story… they would absolutely laugh at mine. It didn’t even come near their stories, I didn’t even know what to say, but the words did leave my mouth, “I have PTSD… with anxiety, it’s because of my father’s death… I was there when an intruder shot him right through his head.”  
  
It was silent for a while. It was like my story did come off as heavy and I suddenly felt understood as MG was the first to speak up, “That’s… heavy. I’m sorry. Maybe this place will help you a lot.”  
  
The others immediately agreed with him and I felt Lizzie put her hand atop of mine and whispered, “I know you miss him. I do too, every single day.”  
  
I suddenly felt tears filling up my eyes and I excused myself to use the restroom. When I entered the restroom and noticed that no one was there, I let my tears fall. I relived the moment again, the intruder, my father, I was screaming for the intruder to show mercy, but he shot my dad right through his head. He then left, I crawled towards my dad, held him in my arms and saw the blood leave the big wound in his head. His dead eyes stared at mine… it was a sight I saw every single night.  
  
My body warmed up, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe any more and more tears fell. I heard the shot over and over again. I placed my hands over my ears but the sound just wouldn’t fade away… It wasn’t until I let out a loud scream that everything turned to normal again.  
  
I grabbed a tissue from the machine and dried my eyes from the tears. I took in some deep breaths, let them out slowly and prepared myself to open the door, but right at that moment, I heard someone yell loudly.  
  
“Ethan, let go of me!”  
  
“I don’t want to do this anymore! I can’t! Don’t you see that? It’s draining all the energy I have left…”  
  
I opened the door a crack and peaked my head through it. I heard the voices coming closer.  
  
“You have to try, Penelope…” I heard a young man’s voice say. " _Try?_ I’ve been trying for so long, Ethan. You and I both know that if nothing changes, I’ll die soon. I can’t do I-“  
  
“Yes you can. I’m sure they’ll find you one in time, I have faith. I won’t let you die here, _okay?"_  

It then became silent and I heard a few sobs coming from a few meters away. I silently walked through the doorway and took a few steps until the hallway came in sight. I looked to my right where the sobs came from and saw a girl cry in a nurse’s arms. An oxygen tank was standing right beside her as I saw a tube making it’s way to her nose. It seemed like she needed it to breathe. I took one last look at the her before turning around to leave.  
  
So _that’s_ Penelope Park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> abbreviations mental illnesses mentioned in this chapter;  
> PTSD - Post-traumatic stress disorder (a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.)  
> SSD - Somatic symptom disorder (a form of mental illness that causes one or more bodily symptoms, including pain.)  
> NPD -Narcissistic personality disorder (a mental illness which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.)  
> ODD- Oppositional defiant disorder (a mental illness which causes negative, hostile, and defiant behavior; often losing temper.)
> 
> the idea of this fic was something that came up and i just had to write it. dealing with mental illnesses myself, i just wanted to shed a light on it. i'll try to make everything as realistic as possible, make sure my research is completely accurate and i hope that even though this story has lots of angst and things that aren't as happy in it, that it's still enjoyable and beautiful. thank you for reading, let's goooo


	2. stories

I’d been staring at the ceiling for the past hour now, rethinking everything that happened yesterday. The day had gone by in a blink. After leaving the horrendous scene of Penelope behind me, I went back to my sister and her friends. I was quiet as the day went on, took my medication before I went to sleep and actually, for the first time in days, had a quite alright 4 hours of sleep.

I heard some squeaky sounds coming from down under me and before I knew it, Hope stood right next to my bed, looking up at me. “You coming for breakfast?”  
  
I sighed, putting a pillow over my head and muffling, “Give me five minutes, okay?”

“Sure,” I heard her say. Again those squeaky sounds of the bed. I couldn’t imagine how horrible these sounds must be for oversensitive people, because it was already annoying me _a lot_.

I decided to get out of bed and put some comfy clothes on. I rubbed my eyes before looking at Hope, who was busy knotting her shoes. When she was done, she flashed me a close mouthed smile and pointed at the door. “Let’s go.”  
  
We walked through the halls and eventually came to a stop at the cafeteria. Everyone was already there. I grabbed a tray from the stand and got some toast, I noticed Hope not getting anything. I didn’t want to stick my nose into peoples business, but I just knew that this wasn’t right.  
  
I grabbed another piece of toast and handed it to her. “You should eat.”

She looked at it and then looked at me with a desperate gaze. “I don’t want it.”  
  
“Hope…” I started, but she was already gone.

With the tray in my hands, I walked up to the table where Hope and the rest were seated at. I sat down next to my sister, who was busy talking to MG. When she noticed me, she put a hand on top of my shoulder and gave me a soft smile. “Good morning, sis.”  
  
“Morning,” I yawned. “Morning all.”  
  
Everyone greeted me and went on with their conversations, while we all ate our breakfast… except for Hope then. Every now and then I stole some glances at the table to our left.  
  
“That’s Ella,” Hope said, pointing at the girl sitting next to Penelope. “That’s Penelope. And the three boys are Jed, Chris and Joel.”

I nodded at her. “So that’s Penelope, huh?”  
  
I acted like I had never seen her before, while in reality I knew better. I just thought it’d be better for all of us to not talk about what I saw, and that’s why I decided not to share it. Plus, it was a personal thing.  
  
Right then a boy with dark curly hair walked into the cafeteria. His eyes were dead set on a table and as he got his tray with breakfast, he went to sit there all by himself.  
  
“Must be Landon Kirby,” Rafael said. “I’ll go talk to him.”  
  
Everyone at the table watched as Rafael made his way over to Landon. After Rafael greeted him, he sat down next to him and the two started talking.  
  
“Sometimes I’m jealous of how good Rafael is at starting a conversation,” Noa commented, watching the two intensely.

“Me too,” MG sighed, looking over at Kaleb. “Huh, Kaleb?”  
  
Kaleb looked at him in confusion. “What?”  
  
And that’s when everyone started laughing. Yeah, this small group of friends gave me a warm and welcome feeling. As the group started talking again, I stole some more glances to my left. I saw how there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with Penelope as she sat there with her friends, other than the oxygen tank.  
  
It made me question if what she had was something bipolar related. I wondered if the scene from yesterday was just a one time thing, or if it would happen often. Something inside of me was screaming for myself to find out more about this girl and why everyone called her a devil, because from what I’d seen so far, she seemed broken and vulnerable, but also just living here like the rest of us.  
  
“Would you stop looking at Lucifer over there?”  
  
My sister’s voice shook me out of my thoughts and I felt an immediate feeling of regret flowing through my body. “Yeah, uh… sorry.”  
  
\-----

I followed the rest of the group into the classroom. It was small but looked just as optimistic as our rooms did. I took a seat next to Hope and watched as everyone else chose someone to sit next to. Kaleb sat next to MG, Noa next to Lizzie and Rafael took a seat next to Landon.

As the others also arrived, along with Penelope who looked like she’d seen a ghost, it was time to wait for our ‘teacher.’

Everyone was preoccupied talking as a man who looked in his mid-forties stepped inside of the classroom, put his backpack on his desk and connected his laptop to the board behind him. He stood there quietly with his hands on his hips.  
  
When he was finally done connecting his laptop to the board, he sat down on the desk and spoke up, “Welcome class. Today I want to do something we haven’t really done before and that’s future sketching. Today we’re going to discuss this topic and see how far we can come. Alright?”  
  
When it stayed silent, the man chuckled. “I think that’s a yes.” He then looked over at me with furrowed eyebrows and did the same thing to Landon. “I see two new faces. What are your names?”  
  
“Landon. Landon Kirby,” the boy said, flashing the teacher a close mouthed smile as the teacher’s gaze made its way over to me.  
  
“Josie Saltzman,” I spoke, offering the man the same gesture as Landon did.  
  
The man nodded and crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, nice to meet you… Landon and Josie. I’m Mr. Leigh, or just Aaron. Whatever you want to call me.”  
  
I nodded at him as he started his class. He wrote the word _future_ on the board and pointed at Hope. “What does it mean to you?”

It took Hope a while to respond, but eventually she did. “I don’t know… the future of our world maybe? If there even is one.”  
  
Mr. Leigh nodded and pointed his finger at her. “I think that’s quite a good answer. What about you, Milton?”  
  
MG rolled his eyes at him. “For the millionth time, it’s MG. And I guess for me it means what’s in store for me, what will happen to myself, my family, to all of us. Isn’t future the same to everyone?”  
  
“Of course it is,” Lizzie scoffed annoyingly.  
  
“Guys, pl-“  
  
“Some people don’t have a future _, Lizzie_ ,” Penelope scoffed back at Lizzie, cutting off Mr. Leigh.

I saw my sister turn around to face Penelope and bared myself for what was coming next. “Some people don’t deserve a future, like _you_.”  
  
“Okay I think that’s enough ladies,” Mr. Leigh sighed, rubbing his neck in uncomfortableness.  
  
But instead of quitting, Penelope stood up from behind her desk. “Enough? I don’t think so Aaron. No one here cares, and see, _that’s_ the problem. Just like you all didn’t care enough to help Olivia.” She looked over at Lizzie and scoffed, “You blame me for her death, but all along it was you. All along it was everyone here. I was the only one who _cared_ and now she’s gone. Her death is on you, Saltzman.”

I had no idea what the raven haired girl was talking about when I suddenly saw the anger building up in my sister’s body. She quickly walked up to Penelope and Mr. Leigh tried to go after her, but Lizzie was too quick and grabbed Penelope by her throat. “On _me_? If you hadn’t come near her, she wouldn’t have sank so deep into darkness to eventually hang herself. It’s all on _you_.”  
  
That’s when Lizzie removed her hand from Penelope’s throat and Penelope was left gasping for air. Mr. Leigh then put his hand on Lizzie’s back and guided her to the front of the classroom as he called in nurse Emma to go get my sister.  
  
Within a few minutes she disappeared along with Emma.  
  
I couldn’t even process what just happened. I definitely needed to talk to my sister about her absurd behaviour and I needed to know more about this _Olivia_ they were talking about. When Lizzie was gone, everyone turned their gazes towards Penelope who felt around her throat, sighing deeply with her eyes closed.  
  
For some reason I felt bad for her and the way my sister spoke to her. I knew that this story probably had two sides… and for now I trusted my sister more than this girl I hadn’t even spoken a word to.  
  
So when everyone’s attention was on Mr. Leigh again, my thoughts just couldn’t stop roaming around. An hour of thinking went by, I didn’t even pay attention to class, to anything that was happening around me. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by everything; images of my dead father appeared in my thoughts again. I felt my body heat up, felt my breathing becoming unsteady…  
  
“Josie?”  
  
I opened my eyes to see Hope standing in front of me and sighed deeply before answering. “Yes… sorry.”  
  
“Class is over. Let’s go,” she smiled, motioning me to follow her.  
  
As we almost reached our room, I asked Hope the question I was dying to get an answer to. “Who is this _Olivia_ my sister and Penelope were talking about?”  
  
I saw how Hope froze in her tracks, slowly turned around and shook her head. “I don’t know if I should tell you.”  
  
I shrugged at that. “Well if you won’t, then I’ll just ask my sister.”  
  
Hope rolled her eyes and began walking again. “Fine, I’ll tell you… in private.”  
  
I nodded at her and followed her into our room. She sat down on her bed and patted the spot beside her for me to sit down. I did as she motioned me to do so and was ready to hear the story behind Olivia.  
  
“Okay,” Hope said, taking a deep breath. “Olivia Fraser was a girl who lived here. Uhm… she was really close with everyone, especially with your sister. She also happened to be my previous roommate…”  
  
So _that_ was the roommate who passed away. I felt my heart break into pieces as Hope continued.  
  
“Olivia dealt with an extreme form of depression. And although she was broken, she still managed to put a smile on others faces. As time passed, she began to get closer to Penelope. Lizzie got really jealous and always tried to come between them… but the two actually fell in love. Everything seemed to go well, until one day nurse Ethan went to check up on her and found her. She hung herself. Ever since then… Lizzie and Penelope blame each other for her death.”  
  
I let out a deep sigh, trying to process everything I just heard. I couldn’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for everyone, especially Lizzie and Penelope, to deal with this. I felt my hand cover my mouth in disbelief and I made eye contact with Hope, who sat there as fragile as someone could be. “I’m so sorry.” I heard the words leave my mouth. “This is so horrible.”  
  
Right then and there I saw how Hope’s body began shocking. I immediately reached out for her, put my arms around her and let her fall onto my chest. “Shh,” I whispered. “It’s okay. You’ll be okay.”

We sat there for a while. Just her and I, holding on to each other. I genuinely had the feeling I already made a friend here… a friend who I could share my darkest thoughts with, a friend who could help me through my tough times. When Hope finally pulled away from me, she rubbed her eyes and flashed me a soft smile. “I’m sorry for being so emotional.”  
  
I shook my head at her. “Don’t be. It’s okay to be vulnerable.”  
  
My thoughts then wandered off to Penelope again. For two times in two days I had heard her say that she didn’t have a future, that things would end soon. I really wanted to know what was going on with her… Hope seemed like the only person who wouldn’t get mad at me for it. And so, I asked her, “So… what’s the deal with Penelope? Why is she here?”  
  
Hope turned her gaze towards me and instantly started talking, “She has cystic fibrosis, it’s terminal. Do you know what it is?”  
  
“No,” I replied. “I don’t.”  
  
“Well… it’s basically a disorder in which mucus damages several organs in her body, especially her lungs. It gets all thick and sticky, which makes it really hard to breathe. She’s on a waiting list to get a new lung. If she doesn’t get it within the next few months… she might die.”  
  
And again I was in complete utter shock. I couldn’t believe that people had to live with an illness like this. My heart hurt for Penelope, it really did. But before I had time to even respond, Hope went on. “She also deals with high functioning autism. I feel like everyone just forgets that she deals with it and only focus on her CF. But she often has a hard time.”

“God, that’s heavy,” I sighed, smiling sadly at Hope. “Maybe I could help her…”  
  
“Please no,” Hope immediately said.  
  
“What? Why?” I shot back in confusion.

“Just… don’t come near her. She hasn’t been herself since Olivia’s death.”  
  
“Fine,” I said. “I won’t come near her.”  
  
\--------  
  
There I was, staring at the ceiling again. My medication didn’t help at all this night and I felt completely exhausted by my lack of sleep. Every time my eyes tended to close, flashes from the night of my father’s death came into my vision. I just couldn’t handle it. Every now and then I’d hear a scream or whispers, or I’d hear the annoying squeaking from this hell of a bed.  
  
It weren’t the best circumstances to get some sleep.  
  
After another hour of laying awake, I decided to just get out of bed. Even though it squeaked like hell, Hope didn’t wake up. I silently made my way to the door, opened it and then closed it behind me as I began to wander through the hall.  
  
“Ethan? Is that you?”  
  
I froze in front of a door where the voice came from. No, I wasn’t Ethan. So what was I supposed to do?

“Ethan? Please come in, I need you.”  
  
I was in a dilemma. I could; walk away without saying anything and get yelled at _or_ say something and probably _still_ get yelled at. Yeah… it was a difficult decision to make.  
  
Seconds passed before I heard her voice again. “Ethan, I can’t breathe.”  
  
That sentence was enough for me to open the door and step inside. I saw Penelope looking at me with big eyes as I stood there in the doorway, completely frozen.  
  
“Who are you and what are you doing in my room?”  
  
I looked behind me and then made eye contact with the girl who sat upright in her bed as I heard her wheezing. The sound really didn't come off as normal.  
  
“Are you okay?” I asked, worry taking over.  
  
I wanted to take a few steps closer but her voice stopped me. “I asked you a question.”  
  
She then began coughing badly and I didn’t know what to do, so I just answered her question. “I’m Josie Saltzman. I was walking past your r-“  
  
“Fucking hell,” Penelope coughed. “You’re  _the sister?_ Please leave.”  
  
“I-I’m sorry, but are you okay?” I tried again, hoping she’d change her mind.  
  
“I told you to l-“  
  
And she began coughing again, and again. It got so bad that I did what I knew I shouldn’t, but still did. I walked over to her, crouched down beside her, rubbed her back and tried to get her to focus on her breathing only. It was after two minutes of coughing, that she finally made eye contact with me.  
  
“Thank you,” she whispered, still in shock of what just happened to her.  
  
I didn't even know why it happened, but the words put a smile on my face.  
  
“It’s no problem,” I smiled, still rubbing her back. “Do you want me to push the red button?”  
  
When I saw her nod at me, I immediately made my way over to press the emergency button and in no time I saw Ethan rush to Penelope’s side. I stood there in the corner of the room as I watched him trying to help her.  
  
“How bad is it?” he asked worriedly.  
  
She shrugged, sighing, “I didn’t cough up blood this time… but I really felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was scary, Ethan.”  
  
“I know.” Ethan flashed her a sad smile, checking her vital signs. “I think you’re okay for now.”  
  
He then turned to me. “Thank you for alarming me. If you weren’t here, she might have choked on her own mucus… because of the shock she’s in, you know.”  
  
I nodded at him and pointed at the door. “I- uh… I guess I should go. Bye.”  
  
I didn’t even wait for the responds, I just wanted to be away, I wanted to sleep, I wanted to process all of this. I walked back to my room, climbed on top of the bunk bed and closed my eyes. And for once ever since he died, I didn’t dream about my father, I dreamed about Penelope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter because i had inspiration and time to write! hope you guys like it and until the next one. comments/kudos are always welcome (:


	3. the letter

After breakfast the next day, Hope took me to the garden. It was colourful, big and incredibly beautiful. Flowers of all sorts, lots of green, amazing smells… it was a sight I would never forget. I followed Hope and sat down next to her on a bench in the middle of the garden.  
  
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Hope asked me, a bright smile covering her face as she spoke the words.  
  
I nodded in response and looked out over the garden. “It really is. Do you come here often?”  
  
I saw how she closed her eyes and tried to retrieve some memories. She then opened her eyes again and turned her gaze towards me, “I came here several times after Olivia died. It was a place where I felt at peace, a place where I could forget about all of the horrible things happening inside of this building.”  
  
I flashed her a sad smile. “I think that’s a beautiful thing. Thank you for taking me here.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” she smiled. “I actually brought you here to tell you something. I know we’ve known each other for like two days… but since you’re my new roommate and we’ve already talked a lot, I guess I just want you to know what I’m dealing with.”  
  
I nodded at her. “That’s okay… whatever you’re comfortable with, Hope.”  
  
I noticed how she fumbled with her fingers before opening up, “Two days ago, when I told you about the illness I’m struggling with, I didn’t tell you the whole story. I’d like to share it with you.”  
  
“Well, that’s completely fine. I’m here to listen,” I said, offering her a smile.  
  
She nodded before continuing, “Thank you. It uh… it all started when I was five? I had a virus infection in my brain. Luckily, I made it out alive but I did have sequelae from it, which turned out to be a light form of epilepsy. It isn’t even the hardest thing to deal with… but my anorexia is. I was 13 when it started. I hated my body, I hated the way I looked. People at my high school started calling me fat and it was the only word that repeated itself over and over again in my head. I didn’t want to eat anymore, I threw it up, hoping that no one would see it. But as time passed, my father started to notice it. I tried several therapists, clinics… but nothing helped. And here I am, s-still doing the same shit over and over again, I… I just don’t know how to fix this anymore.”  
  
Ever since I first saw Hope, I already noticed how fragile and emaciated she looked. I felt a lump in my throat as I heard her story. It touched my heart and broke it. But instead of feeling sorry for her, which I knew she would hate, I decided to be there for her and be the best friend I could be. And so, I pulled her into my arms as I felt my shirt become wet by her tears.  
  
“Shh,” I whispered softly. “I’m here now. I’ll help you.”  
  
It was silent for a bit. The only thing I heard were Hope’s quiet sobs and our breathing. That was until I heard an unfamiliar voice speak up from behind us.  
  
“That’s a heavy story right there.”  
  
Hope loosened herself from my grip and we both turned our heads to meet the gaze of a dark curly haired boy whose name was Landon Kirby. I felt anger boil up inside me, was he really eavesdropping?  
  
“Do you think it’s okay to just eavesdrop such personal things?” I fired at him angrily.  
  
Instead of firing something back, he slowly walked towards us and sat down next to Hope. He crossed his arms over his chest, stretched out his legs and looked right ahead of him. He then spoke up, “I don’t think it’s okay, no. But… I do think it’s okay to show interest in all the patients here.” He looked at Hope, at me and then back right ahead. “Everyone must feel lonely here. Everyone must miss a loved one, everyone must deal with dark thoughts, deal with pain. So, to come back at your question, I wasn’t eavesdropping, I was just listening to two friends talk about their struggles, just like everyone here has struggles to deal with. I won’t take advantage of any of you, I’m just here to help.”  
  
After he told us that whole story, he stood up, whistled a tune and left the garden, leaving Hope and I behind completely dumbfounded.  
  
I looked at Hope with furrowed eyebrows. “That was… weird.”  
  
Hope shrugged at me. “I’ve seen weirder things. He seems nice.”  
  
“So you’re okay with this?” I asked her in confusion.  
  
She nodded in response. “Yes, sure. I believe him.”  
  
I chuckled at that in disbelief. “I can’t believe you.”  
  
Hope then stood up and looked down at me. “We should get to class, come on.”

\-----  
  
When everyone was seated, Mr. Leigh walked into the classroom. He did the same routine as yesterday and asked for everyone to be quiet. That’s when the first question came.  
  
“Where’s Penelope?” I heard Penelope’s friend, Ella, ask.  
  
I only then noticed that Penelope wasn’t here. I was seated next to my sister, who was finally back after her outburst from the day before. I wondered where Penelope was, so I focused my attention on Mr. Leigh as he gave an answer to the question.  
  
He sat down on his desk and sighed, “Ethan told me that Penelope isn’t feeling well, that’s why she won’t be here with us today.”  
  
“Again? This is like the fifth time she hasn’t shown up in a _week_ ,” I heard my sister scoff beside me.  
  
“Lizzie, I don’t like it when you talk about other patients like this. Everyone’s dealing with their own struggles here, it’s not okay to judge them,” Mr. Leigh shot back, raising his eyebrow at my sister.  
  
Lizzie hung back in her chair and rolled her eyes at him. “Fine, Aaron.”  
  
I absolutely hated how judgmental my sister was towards other people. Others couldn’t even breathe near her, because she was better than everyone else. But after all she still was my sister and I had to be there for her.  
  
The time that was left of this class, went by in a blink. Hope and her friends asked me to come watch a movie with them and I decided to agree with it. My sister went back to her room and Rafael went to hang out with Landon, so I was left with Hope, MG, Kaleb and Noa.  
  
I sat down on the sofa in the movie room, right next to MG. Kaleb was searching for a movie on Netflix while Hope and Noa comfortably sat down on the ground in front of the wide screen.

Kaleb pointed the remote at us. “Should we watch the Ring?”  
  
“No horror, please,” Hope begged, already covering her eyes with a pillow.  
  
He scrolled through the movies. “Hmm… how about The Notebook?”

I saw MG rolling his eyes next to me. “No romantic shit.”  
  
I saw how Kaleb sighed and dropped the remote on the ground. He pointed his finger at Noa. “You try it.”  
  
She chuckled and stood up to get the remote. “Fine then. Why don’t we just watch Mean Girls?”  
  
“Sounds good,” I said and all eyes were on me in no time.  
  
“Mean Girls it is then,” MG laughed, flashing me a wink.  
  
When everyone agreed to it, we watched the movie. I hadn’t seen it in forever and I must say, I really enjoyed watching it again. Everyone was still deeply focused on the movie when the end credits rolled by. I heard Hope sigh as she stood up and grabbed the remote. “Should we watch another one?”  
  
“Hell yes,” I heard Kaleb yell, which made everyone laugh.  
  
I took it as the perfect moment to excuse myself and sneak out of the room to find the restroom.

After I washed my hands at the restroom, I wandered through the halls of Westport. I knew it was a bad idea, but my feet dragged me to the familiar hall from last night.

As I looked around me and didn't pay attention to where I was walking, I suddenly bumped into something... what turned out to be someone.

I immediately felt sorry. "I uh- I, oh my god. Sor-"

"Saltzman?"

I looked up and met her eyes. They were green with a hint of grey in them. I was speechless... words just couldn't get out of my mouth as I stood there in front of her. "I-I..."

"Yeah, you..." she trailed off. "You should pay attention to where you're walking."

I thought that when I met her eyes again, I'd see an annoyed face, but instead, I was met with a kind smile.

"I really should, huh?" I said, chuckling lightly.

My gaze wandered off to the small oxygen tank standing beside Penelope. Before I could even make a comment on it, she started opening up herself. "It eh... I need it to breathe." She pointed at it. "Taking this little shit everywhere I go."

"I know," I blurted out.

She looked at me with wide eyes and I completely froze in my spot. How could I have been so stupid?

"How the hell do you know that?" she asked me, her tone held a hint of anger.

"H-Hope told me..." I started, not knowing what else to say.

I saw her sigh while putting a hand over her face. "Mikaelson. Of course."

I didn't know what I was supposed to say, so I just said the most obvious thing. "I'm sorry."

She began coughing a little and I reached out to help her, but she waved it off. "It's fine, I should go."

She turned to walk away, and I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I grabbed her arm. "Wait... how are you?"

She faced me, slightly surprised by my question. "I'm doing okay, thank you."

"Look, if you ever need someone, I-"

"No," I heard her sigh. "It's better if we don't talk. Your sister will be furious."

The words came out of her mouth as if it hurt her a lot. I could hear the sadness in her voice. What has this girl ever done wrong to be treated like this by everyone? Yeah, this Olivia girl commit suicide, but that wasn't Penelope's fault, neither was it my sister's fault.

"I just don't get why my sister hates you so much," I said, shaking my head.

Penelope shrugged and looked at me with a sad smile. "She blames me for Olivia's death..." She then raised an eyebrow at me. "But Hope probably already told you that, didn't she?"

I chuckled at that. "Yes. Yes she did."

She shook her head before continuing, "Then you also know that I think your sister hasn't done enough to help her _'best'_ friend. Every time I see Lizzie, I'm just reminded of the day Oliva passed away and probably the other way around. It's such a complicated and messed up situation..."

And it really was. I just wished these two would stop blaming each other for something they didn't even have any control over. "Maybe you're both just being too hard on yourselves. How could you have known that this would happen? How could you have prevented it, if she already was in so deep that she didn't know another way out? I won't choose sides, but I do know that there's no one to blame. So again, I don't care if my sister finds out I've been talking to you, there's nothing wrong with that, right?"

"Thank you," Penelope spoke softly. "It's just that I'm scared she might kill me if I ever come near you, I feel like she's capable of it."

I shook my head at that in disbelief. "My sister? Come on, she isn't like that."

"You haven't seen her for the past year," she scoffed. "She's crazy."

Crazy? No, my sister wasn't crazy. I couldn't believe that someone would say shit like this about her. She was having a hard time, just like the rest of us. "Excuse me, but my sister is far from crazy. You know what? I'll go."

"Fine," I heard Penelope scoff as I turned around to leave.

Yeah, I really took it the wrong way, but offending my sister? That was a line that shouldn't be crossed.

After walking through some more halls, I finally found the movie room again. Right when I opened to the door, I bumped into Hope.

"H-"

She put a finger in front of her mouth, motioning for me to stay quiet as she dragged me through the hall.

We came to a stop at a restroom as Hope stood in front of me, puffing. "Your sister is on watch."

On watch? What the hell was that supposed to mean? " _What?_ What does that mean?"

Hope sighed and put a hand through her hair before answering, "She almost killed Dr. Williams... you know? The psychiatrist. She's under a 24 hour watch now.”

Penelope’s words suddenly repeated themselves over and over again in my head. _She’s crazy. She’s crazy. She’s crazy._ “Maybe she really is crazy.”  
  
I realized that I said the words out loud and saw how Hope looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. “Lizzie? Crazy? Who said she was crazy?”  
  
I looked away, hoping she didn’t notice I was lying. “No one.”  
  
_Plan failed._

“Josie, come on…” she started.  
  
I rolled my eyes and sighed, “Penelope. It was Penelope.”  
  
Hope looked at me as if she’d seen a ghost and shook her head. “You didn’t talk to her, right? _Fuck._ ”  
  
“If I did,” I said sternly. “Then what the hell is wrong with that?”  
  
I saw how Hope closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh. Was it really _that_ bad?  
  
“Don’t you know how furious your sister will be if she finds out?”  
  
“No…”  
  
“Well, she _will_ be furious,” Hope said, crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
“I don’t get why, you know?” I started, using my hands. “I just bumped into her, she seemed nice. You all treat her like she is some sort of devil, when in reality she’s just going through a tough time like the rest of us. I don’t care if my sister hates her, everyone deserves a chance and I’m willing to give Penelope one.”  
  
Yes, I was done pleasuring other people. If I wanted to give someone a chance, I would and no one would stop me from doing so, no matter how much shit they’d have to say about someone. I couldn’t judge someone before I really got to know them, and that was what I was planning to do with Penelope.  
  
“Fine,” I heard Hope sigh. “You do that.”  
  
\-----

It was almost midnight as I was the last one to get my medication. Ethan was at the medication room and handed me my meds with a glass of water. “There you go.”  
  
“Thank you,” I said, taking the pills and swallowing them with some water.  
  
I turned around to leave, but Ethan stopped me. “Josie, wait.”  
  
As confused as I was about him calling my name and asking me to wait behind, I did as he said and turned to face him. He grabbed a piece of paper which had something written down on it and handed it to me. “Penelope asked me to give you this.”  
  
More confusion flowed through my body as I took the paper from him. I stole a small glance at it and it seemed like a letter. I held it up to Ethan. “What is this?”  
  
He shrugged with a small grin on his face. “I don’t know. I guess you’ll have to read it to find out.”  
  
“Okay,” I said, sighing. “You’re making this really hard for me, Ethan.”  
  
“I know,” I heard him say as I was about to leave. “Goodnight, Josie.”  
  
I looked at him one last time before leaving. “Goodnight, Ethan.”  
  
As I entered my room, I saw how Hope was already laying under the covers, her gaze was fixed on me as I took a few steps inside of the room. Her eyes wandered off to the piece of paper in my hand. “What is it?”  
  
I honestly didn’t know how to respond, so of course my stupidity took the upper hand. “Something.”  
  
She shook her head and chuckled, “I’ll find out soon.”  
  
“You will,” I laughed, walking up to her and giving her a pat on top of her head. “Goodnight, Hope.”  
  
She smiled as I pulled away. “Goodnight, Josie.”  
  
I climbed on top of the bunk bed. Yeah, Hope had been a great friend so far and I genuinely felt comfortable around her. I hadn’t felt this comfortable around anyone for the past year, it was a refreshing feeling.  
  
As I finally lied down under the covers, I grabbed my phone from under the pillow and put on the flashlight. I stretched the letter and shined the light on it, making sure I could read it.  
  
_Josie,_  
_I don’t even know why I’m writing this, but something inside of me just wanted me to do it. So here I am, writing you this letter. I find it admirable how, even though your sister absolutely hates me, you seem to care and seem to want to get to know me. If it wasn’t for you, I could’ve been in a much worse state after yesterday. I want to thank you for that. I rethought everything we talked about in the hall today; how I told you it’s best if we stopped talking and how you said you didn’t care, how I told you your sister was crazy (which I’m sorry for) and how you defended her. I wrote this letter to tell you that I’ve changed my mind. I want to share my story with you. I know this is probably weird, since we’ve only spoken each other two times, but something tells me that once you know the full story, you’ll understand. Meet me at the library after breakfast tomorrow, okay? See you then._  
 _With love,_  
 _P.P_

I read it again, and again… and again. I was dumbfounded, how did I change her mind? Why did she want to share her story with me? Why did she even want to talk to me? The questions roamed around in my head as I closed my eyes, and another night full of darkness would start.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another chapter! thank you all for the kind comments and kudos. i'm completely blown away by the reads this story already has. hope you all enjoyed this chapter and until the next one (:


	4. fortitude

“Josie?”

I felt my eyes open at the sound of a familiar voice. I turned around in my bed and saw Hope looking up at me. “Good morning, Mikaelson.”

Hope rolled her eyes playfully at me and shook her head. “Shall I start calling you Saltzman then?”

I put a pillow over my face and groaned, “No, call my sister that.”

“Already doing so,” I heard Hope say. “By the way… we have group instead of class today.”

Group? I put the pillow away from my face and looked at her in confusion. “What is group again?”

She shrugged. “Yknow, just sitting in a circle and talking about each other’s problems, it’s a hell.”  
  
I stared up at the ceiling before responding, “Great, I’m looking forward to it.  
  
When I was done getting ready, I sat in the cafeteria with Hope and her friends. I didn’t see Penelope, but I did see her friends. I felt my sister nudge me with her elbow. “Lucifer isn’t here, _again_. Can you believe it?”  
  
“Yeah…” I trailed off while my gaze was still fixed on Penelope’s friends.  
  
After what felt like an eternity, breakfast was finally over. _The library_ , that’s where I had to be. While I was on my way to finding it, I kept thinking about how I lied to Hope. Right when we left the cafeteria I told her that I needed to see Mr. Williams, while in reality I was going to talk with the person she, and everyone around me, told me to stay away from. Yeah, it wasn’t the greatest idea, but I just couldn’t help it. Something about Penelope just made me want to see her… just made me want to talk to her.  
  
As I wandered through the halls I finally saw a room that read _LIBRARY_. I took in a deep breath before opening the door. I was met with stands full of books and in the back of the room I saw three small round tables to read at. At one of the tables I saw her, fully concentrated on reading a book.  
  
I walked up to her and as I came closer, she looked up and greeted me, closing the book and putting it on the table in front of her. “Josie, hey.”  
  
“Hey,” I smiled at her, taking a seat right across from her and pointing at the book laying on the table. "What were you reading?"  
  
"Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck," she smiled at me.  
  
"A good one," I smiled back at her. “You wanted to talk to me?”  
  
She nodded in response, stealing a glance through the giant windows that looked out over the woods. “Yes. I uh… you’re probably wondering why I even wanted to talk to you.”  
  
I shrugged at that and crossed my legs. “You made it pretty clear in the letter you wrote me, although I’m still wondering why you want to talk to me so badly…”  
  
“I know,” I heard her sigh. “It’s just that everyone who comes new here… instantly hates me. Isn’t it your sister who tells them I’m the devil, then it’s others. Even Ella, Jed, Joel and Chris hated me at first. No one ever takes the effort to get to know me better, but I feel like you do, no matter what others have to say about it.”  
  
I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that everyone here hated her at first. To me, she seemed like a nice person who’s just going through a hard time. My sister keeps on calling her a devil, while in reality I haven’t even noticed any of the supposed devilish things Penelope should do or say.

“Well, why would I judge someone on beforehand based on just some words?” I responded, meeting her eyes in the process.  
  
She shrugged at me. “Because everyone is the same.”  
  
I raised an eyebrow at her in a playful way. “I’m not.”  
  
“I know,” she shyly smiled at me. “And that’s exactly why I want to talk to you.”  
  
“Are you saying you already trust me?” I asked her in disbelief.  
  
She put her hands up in defense. “No. No no _no_.  But I do feel like I could… eventually. It’s just that I don’t really have anyone to talk to about things and you seem like the person I could, yknow, open up to I guess.”  
  
Did she really feel like that? I didn’t even know what I was feeling, but it made me feel all happy inside, knowing that someone thought of me like that. It’s what I wanted people to feel. I wanted them to know that I was there for them, through everything.  
  
“I uh, I guess I could be that person for you then. You can trust me,” I said as I felt the corners of my mouth go up slightly.

“Thank you,” she said, flashing me a genuine smile. She then went on, “I guess you’ve already noticed how I’m barely at class, breakfast or dinner. Or hell, all group things?”  
  
Now that she mentioned it… “Yeah, I’ve noticed. How come?”

She chuckled nervously before continuing, “Well it’s because I tend to get overloaded by stimuli and socializing. I don’t know if Mikaelson told you already but I have autism. It’s not _that_ bad but it’s just quickly… all too much for me. Everyone talking, all those sounds, the amount of light, people expecting things from me, I just can’t handle it sometimes… but I do have good days whereby those things aren’t as bad for me.”

I always thought of autism as a disorder you could see on the outside, but clearly not. All she explained to me, made a lot of sense to me now. It must have been hard to be called things when not showing up, when it’s actually all too much for her. “Thank you for sharing this with me. I understand everything now… it all just makes so much sense to me now. I’m sorry-“  
  
“Thank you. And no,” she started. “ _Don’t_ pity me… I hate it. If I start about my cystic fibrosis, then also please don’t pity me. _Please_.”  
  
I looked her directly in the eyes, “Okay. I promise.”

“Okay good,” she sighed, looking outside again. “I guess I’ll tell you about my CF then.”  
  
“Are you sure?” I double-checked.  
  
She nodded in response before continuing, “When I was twelve they finally diagnosed me with cystic fibrosis. It basically ruins my lungs and other important organs, but especially my lungs. Mucus gets stuck in it and I can’t get it out. It’s way too thick. Basically I have to walk around with my oxygen tank all day in order to breathe properly. It makes me feel really sick sometimes and also exhausted… so that’s why I also might not be there sometimes. I-I guess I wanted to tell you all of this, just so you’ve heard my story from _me_. I hope you can understand and I… I hope you won’t push me away.”

“Hey,” I started as I processed everything I just heard, although Hope told me the whole story already. I placed a hand on her knee. “I admire you so much for telling me this. I have so much respect for you. Please know that I’m here for you. I don’t care that we’ve only known each other for such a short period of time, but you can trust me. I’ll be here for you.”  
  
As I finished my little rant, I saw how she made eye contact with me and held tears in her eyes. I hadn’t seen her before like this… it almost made me tear up myself. Suddenly I felt her arms around me, and although I was surprised at first, I reciprocated the gesture, holding her tightly as I felt her cry into my shoulder.

“Thank you,” I heard her whisper. “Thank you _so_ much.”  
  
\------

"So," Emma started as her gaze circled around the group. "Does anyone have any news?"

I looked around me. Everyone was there, except for Penelope. Of course it didn't surprise me anymore now that I knew what was going on with her. I then saw Kaleb holding up his finger.

"Kaleb?" Emma asked and motioned for him to speak up.

"Well, I haven't had a psychosis in a week."

Emma nodded at him, "That's amazing, Kaleb." She then looked around again. "Anyone else?"

"Yeah," I heard Noa say. "I finally got to see my brother yesterday, after weeks. It was good to see him."

"That's good, Noa," Emma smiled at her. "I'm glad you got to see him. Anyone else?"

I saw my sister holding up her hand and Emma nodded at her to speak up. "Where's the devil herself?"

"Lizzie..." I heard Emma sigh. "We don't talk about anyone like that. Penelope is not feeling well, that's why she isn't here."

"Sure," I heard Lizzie scoff. "She just keeps on making excuses."

I felt anger boil up inside of me. My sister acted like there wasn't anything wrong with Penelope, while in reality she was fighting to stay alive. I heard the words leave my mouth, "Why don't you just accept the fact that Penelope can't always be here because of the things she's dealing with?"

Everyone, especially my sister, looked at me with wide eyes. "What the hell did you just say to me?"

I knew things would go the wrong way from now on, but I couldn't help but defend Penelope. "Have you ever even immersed yourself in what she's dealing with?"

I saw Lizzie stand up from her seat. Nerves flowed through my body. "Are you saying you've talked to _Lucifer_?"

"Girls-"

"Yes," I cut Emma off. "Do you have a problem with that, sister?"

I saw her walking up to me, until she was so close that I couldn't do anything else than look into her eyes. "Yes, I have. She already killed one of us, I don't want you to be next, _Josie_."

"That's enough," I heard Emma say as she pulled Lizzie away from me. Just then I noticed how everyone had their eyes fixed on me. Was it that bad to talk to Penelope? I couldn't believe that everyone thought so badly of her.

I slowly walked back to my seat and sat down next to Hope. As I looked up at her I saw her shake her head at me. What the fuck did I do wrong?

"Let's continue," Emma then said, glancing at me.

The rest of the group session I didn't even pay attention. All I could think about was how my sister got mad at me, about everything Penelope told me, about my father...

I missed him so incredibly much. Every time I thought of him, I couldn't see anything else than his dead eyes staring at me. The blood, his lifeless body, my sobs... everything was horrible, completely horrible.

"Josie?"

I looked around me, everyone was gone, except for Hope who was standing right in front of me. "Yeah, sorry."

She motioned for me to stand up and follow her, "Let's go."

I thought we were on our way to our room, but then Hope dragged me into a restroom. I looked up at her in confusion. "What's going on?"

I genuinely thought I had done something wrong, Hope looked at me so sternly that I couldn't think of something else.

"You shouldn't have told her about Penelope..." I heard her trail off.

"How come? What's the worst thing that could happen?" I asked her, worried about what she was going to say next.

"I..." Hope sighed. "I think your sister might be capable of killing her."

I looked at her with wide eyes. My sister? Killing someone? No. "That's impossible, she'd never do that."

"Oh no?" Hope spoke. "Have you forgotten that she almost killed your own father?"

She was right. My sister did almost kill my father out of anger and frustration. But really killing someone, I didn't think she was capable of that. That thing with our father was just an accident. "That was just a one-time thing."

"A _one-time thing_ which she got sent here to for," Hope scoffed at me. "You don't even know how many times Lizzie has attacked someone here, and especially Penelope."

"I-I... What are you trying to say?" I asked her in confusion, even though I knew what she was about to say.

"To stay away from Penelope. It's for your own good."

I shook my head and wanted to turn around and walk away, but Hope stopped me. "I'm serious, Josie."

"Yeah well," I told her. "You're not my mother, and neither is Lizzie. I'll talk to her if I want to, it's my own choice."

"Josie, please..." I heard her beg, looking at me with a pleading face.

"How can I stay away from her, when she tells me I'm the only person who might understand her? Don't you know how horrible her life is? Don't you know how much she needs someone to help her?" I shot back at her, full of anger.

"And you want to be that person for her? The last person who tried to come so close to her _died_ , Josie," Hope scoffed back at me.

"And that's Penelope's fault? The girl was _depressed_ , Hope," I retorted.

I heard her sigh and look away from me. "I know, Josie. But I'm sure that part of her suicide was because she couldn't help Penelope."

"I'm pretty sure you're wrong," I scoffed at her, rolling my eyes.

"And I'm pretty sure I'm right," Hope started. "Penelope is _dying_ , Josie."

"Don't you think I know that?" I shot back at her.

"I-"

"Yeah, no. I'm done with this," I said, turning around to leave.

My head was full of everything Hope told me, full of what Lizzie said to me. I couldn't think straight anymore, everything was one big blur as I tried to find myself a peaceful spot to calm down. 

\----

My feet eventually led me to the garden, where I processed everything that happened today. It was a mess, a total, complete mess. First Penelope 'killed' someone, then she was dying herself, then she wasn’t good to be around and then I couldn’t help her, yeah… it was a mouth full. I honestly didn’t even know what to do. But since I told Penelope I’d be there for her, that was what I was going to try to do, no matter how many people told me to not come near her.  
  
As I sat there for an hour or two, I went back to the cafeteria to get dinner. The lady behind the counter got me some potatoes with broccoli on my plate, I thanked her and then made my way to my ‘friends.’ I didn’t even know if I could call them that, since I’ve barely talked to any of them, except for Hope. But they seemed to treat me like a friend, so I would do the same.  
  
Dinner went by fast. A new face sat with us throughout dinner, Landon had become friends with Rafael and now belonged to the rest of the group. Landon seemed really nice, even spoke a few words with Hope and I and made some stupid jokes which everyone laughed at. Yeah, he seemed like a good guy.  
  
After dinner, Hope told me she’d stay behind to watch a movie with Noa. It meant that I was alone in my room for the evening, something I really wasn’t looking forward to.  
  
As I arrived in the room, I put some music on the radio to relax a little and went to lie down on top of the bunk bed. I had kind of gotten used to the squeaky sound it made every time I moved.  
  
I thought that everything went well, until I felt my eyes close and those horrible images flashed by again. I tried to get out of it, but it only seemed to get worse. My father was smiling, and the next thing he was dead, laying in my arms as the blood left the giant wound in his head. I heard myself scream, I felt myself heating up.  
  
Then my eyes opened again. Tears were falling down my face as I climbed out of the bunk bed. My hands balled themselves into fists and I closed my eyes again. I was met with those images again. The scene played itself over and over again in my head until I just broke.

“Stop doing this to me!” I heard myself scream. “I can’t do this anymore!”  
  
I fell down on the floor. Loud sobs left my body and I screamed and screamed until I just couldn’t get anything out anymore. I curled myself into a ball, kept on sobbing as the scene only got worse and worse. Instead of the intruder being the one who shot my father, it was my sister. I banged my head on the floor, trying to make it stop, but nothing helped.

“Make it stop!” I screamed again. “I-“  
  
And that was when the door of my room opened. I heard footsteps coming my way.  
  
“Josie?”  
  
“Make it stop! Make it _stop_!”  
  
But it wouldn’t stop. It _really_ wouldn’t stop.

I noticed Ethan crouching down beside me as I kept on screaming and sobbing. He tried to reach out for me, but I just pushed him away.  
  
“Josie, hey. Calm down,” he whispered, as he tried to reach out to me again.  
  
I punched him and punched him as the sobs left my body, I then felt his arms around me and I sobbed into his shoulder. Minutes passed until he made me stand up and come with him.  
  
He put an arm around my shoulder before speaking up, “I don’t want to scare you in any way, but I’m going to put you under 24 hour watch. I think you’ll only spend the night there, but I don’t want to risk you hurting yourself or others, okay?”  
  
I felt myself nod at his words as he helped me walk along with him. We walked through a few halls, I held my head down as more tears rolled over my face.  
  
“Josie?”  
  
The familiar face made me look up again. Penelope Park stood there, the little oxygen tank rolling behind her.  
  
“Penelope…”

 I noticed how Ethan stopped walking too and let me talk to Penelope. But I couldn’t get any more words out.  
  
“Are you okay?” she asked me full of worry.

I shook my head. Suddenly, Penelope walked up to me and threw her arms around me in a comforting hug. I closed my eyes as I sank into her shoulder and felt myself calm down a little more.  
  
“Josie isn’t doing all too well. She’s under 24 hour watch for the night. You can see her tomorrow,” Ethan told Penelope as we pulled away from each other.  
  
I saw Penelope nod at Ethan and felt her hand on my shoulder. “Hang in there, okay?”  
  
I felt the corners of my mouth go up into small smile. “I will try.”  
  
Ethan then motioned for me to come with him and a few halls later, we finally reached the 24 hour watch room. It was the same as every other room, a single bed and cameras were the only difference… oh yeah, and there wasn’t a lock on the bathroom door.  
  
“Goodnight, miss Saltzman. I’ll get you out of here by the morning, okay?” Ethan said, offering me a soft, close-mouthed, smile as he handed me my medication.  
  
“Okay,” I answered, swallowing the pills with some water and handing the cup back to him. “Goodnight, Ethan.”  
  
 He then left the room and I was left alone. It didn’t take long for my medication to kick in and I felt myself become sleepy. My eyes closed slowly and I drifted off into a deep sleep, fearing the nightmares I’d have to face that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another chapter! it took me a while to write it, as will it probably take me a while to write the next few chapters. i, just like Penelope, am dealing with autism + some other things. i sometimes don't have the energy to do anything, which means it really takes a while to fully get some inspiration to write something like this. having one of my main character deal with this is a beautiful thing and i hope to shed a light on it. i hope you all enjoyed it, suggestions are always welcome. again, thank you for reading and until the next chapter (:


	5. the day after

The next day I was already up early, waiting for Ethan to get me out of this room. I had already gotten myself ready for the day and after a night full of ups and downs, I actually felt better than I did before Ethan had brought me here. I could finally breathe and think straight again.

It didn’t take long for Ethan to come in with the genuine smile he always wore on his face. “Good morning, Josie. I’m going to take you to the cafeteria.”  
  
“Hi, Ethan,” I smiled back at him. I stood up and followed him out of the room and through the hallways. After what felt like minutes, we finally arrived there and Ethan motioned for me to go in.  
  
“Have a nice breakfast.”

“Thank you.”

And then he was gone. I slowly opened the doors of the cafeteria and was met with a lot of eyes staring at me. I went to the lady behind the counter, who put a bowl of muesli on my plate. My eyes then searched for Hope, but instead found my sister’s. I flashed her a fake smile and slowly went to sit next to her. Yes, this was going to be killing.  
  
Only then, the rest of the group noticed me. Hope looked at me worriedly and quickly put a hand over mine. “Are you okay? I heard from Ethan what happened.”  
  
I waved it off. “Yeah, yeah… I’m fine now.”  
  
My sister then looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “What happened?”  
  
“Just a panic attack,” I sighed, scanning the rest of the cafeteria for a particular someone. But I didn’t find her.  
  
“Oh,” I heard my sister say. “I’m sorry, Jo.”  
  
“It’s fine,” I said, giving her a soft pat on her shoulder. I looked at the rest, “So, what did I miss?”  
  
Noa and Rafael then went on about how I missed an amazing movie night, one that Kaleb and MG didn’t quite enjoy. I just watched them as they went back and forth about how good and how shitty it was. It was a hilarious sight.  
  
As I looked around, I suddenly met Landon’s eyes in the process. He was seated next to Hope, at the end of the table. He flashed me a small smile, “Feeling any better?”  
  
I nodded at him. “Yes, thank you.”  
  
He then wandered his gaze off to the movie night conversation and took a sip from his coffee. Landon was such a mysterious guy, but until now, he seemed really nice and caring. As the subject changed a few times, breakfast finally was over and we all went to class.  
  
We walked into the classroom and Mr. Leigh, for a change, was already there. He greeted all of us as I went to sit next to Hope this time. Just before Mr. Leigh was about to start, I saw her walk in. She looked straight down at the ground, her hair hanging in front of her eyes with the oxygen tank trailing behind her as she took a seat in the back of the class, all alone. I wondered what was going on with her, but decided to just pay attention to class.

“So class. The upcoming few classes, along with this class, will all be about history,” Mr. Leigh spoke as he sat down on his desk. He used a small remote to switch the slides and pointed his remote at Kaleb.

“Kaleb. When you think about history… what comes to mind?”  
  
I saw how Kaleb shrugged at him. “I dunno, Abraham Lincoln?”  
  
“Fair enough,” Mr. Leigh chuckled. “See, I could ask you all the same question, but I’m not going to do that. The assignment we’re going to work on the next few classes will be in the light of that question. Here’s the assignment; I want everyone to pick a topic out of our human history, maximum time back is 1900 and the word count is around one thousand. Any questions?”  
  
Silence.

“Okay good!” He clapped his hands together and pressed the remote to get the slide of the assignment on the dashboard. “There you go. I’ll go get the laptop-cart for you all.”  
  
“Another fucking assignment…” I heard MG scoff behind me.  
  
Hope turned around to face him. “At least this one isn’t as bad as the last one.”

I turned to MG and Hope. “What was the last assignment?”  
  
“Poetry,” I heard Lizzie say from across the room. She pointed at Rafael who was sitting next to her. “He liked it.”  
  
“Everyone has their opinions right,” I shrugged. I saw everyone agreeing with me and I thought everything went well, until Penelope Park decided to stick her nose into our conversation.  
  
“Could you all shut the fuck up for once?”  
  
Right when I heard the words I turned my gaze towards my sister, afraid of her reaction. And yes, I was right to be afraid as I saw her rolling her eyes… the obvious sign that she would get angry. “Why don’t _you_ shut the fuck up for once?”

“Liz-“

But Hope was already cut off by Penelope. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of oversensitive to sounds… especially the one coming from your mouth.”  
  
I noticed my sister balling her fists from across the room, it took her a few seconds to respond. “Hmm, have I noticed? I don’t think so… but uh, if it bothers you _so_ much, then do something about it.”  
  
I heard Penelope scoff as everyone watched intensely, the two going back and forth. I couldn’t actually believe I just let this happen, but I didn’t dare come between them, afraid of getting angry glances.  
  
It was Penelope’s turn again. “Sadly I can’t, my _brain_ won’t let me.”

My sister let out a small laugh at that. “Maybe remove your brain then, if you even have one.”  
  
That was the final straw for Penelope. I watched as she stood up from behind her desk and walked over to my sister, she sat down on the desk in front of her and pointed a finger at her. “I’d watch your mouth if I were you.”  
  
“What then? What do you want to do with that little oxygen tank of yours, hm?” My sister fired back at her. Penelope just shook her head and said nothing as they both looked each other in the eyes. What Lizzie said next, left all of us in shock. “You know? I know one thing for sure, you won’t ever get a lung of mine, not even if you brought Olivia back from the dead.”  
  
I saw Penelope’s sudden change, her body was tense, she looked at my sister with the most furious gaze that had ever existed and I was terrified that she might do something to my sister. Just when she was about to go off against my sister, I stood up from my seat and walked up to them, putting my hand in front of her. “Penelope, cut it out. This needs to stop.”  
  
Penelope looked at me in disbelief, completely saddened. “You too? I thought you were better than this, Josie.”  
  
“I-“  
  
“No,” Penelope cut me off, shaking her head. “You’ve chosen a side.”  
  
She then stood up and left to get back to her seat. Everyone stared at us and only then I noticed how heavy Lizzie’s breathing was. I reached out to her. “Liz, Come with me.”

“I-I can’t do it,” I heard her say as I pulled her up to her feet. “I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I _can’t._ ”

“Yes you can,” I whispered, dragging her with me as we made our way out of the classroom. I didn’t look back anymore, my sister needed me now and I’d give her the comfort she needed. Just then, we stumbled upon Mr. Leigh with a laptop-cart trailing behind him.  
  
He stopped when he saw us. “Everything okay here?”  
  
In the meantime, my sister had started crying and I flashed him a thumb up, “She’ll be okay. I’m just going to help her, we’ll be right back.”  
  
“Okay ladies,” he said, flashing me a closemouthed smile. “If you need me, I’m in the classroom, okay?”  
  
I nodded at him and waited until he was gone. I dragged Lizzie with me to the closest room I saw, which was the movie room. I silently closed the door behind me and softly placed Lizzie on the sofa, quietly sitting down beside her. She had her eyes closed, her hands over each other and her tears fell on her clothes. I softly put a hand over hers and tried to get her to talk to me.  
  
“What’s wrong, Liz?” I whispered, gently stroking my hand over hers.  
  
She shook her head as more tears fell and looked away from me. “I miss her so much.”  
  
“Olivia?”  
  
She nodded and then started crying even harder. I instantly took her in my arms and felt her sob against my chest. “It’s all her fault. She should’ve been there, s-she should’ve noticed.”

“I don’t think you can blame anyone for her death, Lizzie,” I softly spoke, rubbing her arm with my hand.

She then suddenly sat upright and looked at me angrily. “Are you seriously doing this, _again_?”

I didn’t know what she was talking about. What was I doing again? Telling her the truth as it is? “What do you mean?”  
  
She scoffed at me. “Defending the devil. I seriously feel like she’s possessing you or something, I feel like you’re not even my own sister anymore.”  
  
Those words hit me. Did she really feel like that? Like I wasn’t being a good sister to her anymore?  
  
“You see, Josie,” she started again. “I thought you being here would make things better for me, but instead you choose to side with Lucifer.”  
  
And that, _that_ was complete utter bullshit coming from my sister’s mouth. “Didn’t you hear what Penelope just said? She literally thinks I’m choosing your ‘side’, and for the clarity, I’m not choosing anyone’s side here.”  
  
“Sure, Josie. Sure,” I heard my sister scoff. “All you’ve been doing since you came here is being with her.”  
  
I stared at her in disbelief. Was she being serious? “Really, Lizzie? I’ve talked to her for like three times and one of them was quite an accident. Yeah, I think she’s nice, why can’t I just talk to her? It’s not like we’re together or anything like that. Come on…”  
  
“Oh yeah?” My sister started angrily. “What if that’s what she’s planning on doing? Getting together with you and driving you so crazy that you’ll also hang yourself? Then I’ll lose yet another person whom I love.”  
  
“I-I…”  
  
“Yeah,” she said sternly. “Think about that.”  
  
“Olivia was depressed, Liz….”  
  
“Yes, she was. I know that. But it started to get worse when she was together with Lucifer, is that a coincidence? I don’t think so, Jo,” Lizzie shot back at me. She then turned to face me and held up her pinky. “Promise me to not come near her anymore.”  
  
I shook my head at my sister, knowing that if I made that promise, it was for sure one I’d break. “I can’t do that.”  
  
Lizzie started laughing in disbelief and shook her head. “See? She already has this hold of you that you can’t get out of.”

“Lizzie… don’t do this.”  
  
“Yeah,” she scoffed at me, before standing up to walk towards the door. She turned to face me, “You know what? We’ll see how things will end. But if you ever think I’ll be there to help you when she drives you insane, you’re completely fucking wrong.”  
  
The door slammed shut and I was left alone. All alone.  
  
I didn’t even bother going back to class anymore. I just went to my room, climbed under the covers of the bunkbed and lied there, rethinking everything that just happened.  
  
I didn’t want to lose Lizzie, I really didn’t. What she said to Penelope today, made me furious, but something inside of me made sure I went to defend and comfort my sister, but for what? All she ever did was control me, think about herself and how everyone else was a piece of shit. Yeah, deep inside I was completely done with my sister, but my selfless self just couldn’t help but be there for her.  
  
She was my sister after all.

Right then the door of my room opened and Hope walked in. She looked at me with a small grin on her face as she saw me facing her while laying under the covers. “Should I ask what’s wrong or…?”

I sighed at that. “Having some feud with Lizzie, that’s all.”  
  
Hope chuckled and put off her shoes. “I guess it was all about _the devil herself_ , huh?”

“You guessed that right, ma’am,” I chuckled, shaking my head as I turned to face the ceiling. “All this choosing sides thing is making me feel so exhausted. Why can’t she just let me be?”  
  
“I don’t know, Josie,” I heard Hope say as I heard the squeaky sounds of the bed again. “Maybe she just wants to protect you.”

I didn’t know why. “What could go wrong though?”

“Again… I don’t know.”  
  
I let out a deep sigh. This was honestly so confusing. If my sister really wanted to protect me, she’d stop being an ass towards me and let me be who I want to be, without bringing others down around her.

\-----

I felt my eyes slowly open themselves. It was quite dark in my room and I suddenly realized I had slept through dinner and all of it after. From under me I heard Hope breathe steadily. That was right, Hope would be the _last_ person who’d wake me for dinner.  
  
I stretched out my arms and put a hand over my face. I didn’t even feel tired anymore and it was only a little past midnight. After a few minutes of doubt, I decided to climb out of bed and explore the facility again. It was the least boring thing I could do right now.  
  
I did it all very carefully, hoping I wouldn’t wake my roommate in the process. And I succeeded. I silently closed the door behind me and made my way through the hall. On the corner of the hall was a coffee and tea machine where I decided to get a cup of tea.  
  
I continued my walk and came to a stop at the door that would lead to the garden. I looked around me, saw no one and decided to try to open the door. Luckily, the door was open and I could enter the garden.  
  
I sat there on a bench, looking up at the stars as they shined brightly. I had always enjoyed the night, it was peaceful, quiet and unbelievably beautiful. I heard the sounds of owls, cars passing by and looked at the flowers in the garden which were lit up by some lights.  
  
After I finished my cup of tea, I decided to go back again. On my way back to my room, I bumped into one of the nurses who turned out to be _Ethan_.

“Shit. Sorry,” I immediately apologized.

He chuckled at me and put a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay. Shouldn’t you be asleep?”  
  
“Shouldn’t you have time off? You’re like always here,” I shot back, raising an eyebrow at him.  
  
“Yeah true,” he laughed. “I work long shifts and basically live here. Sometimes I go back home in the weekends and sometimes in the week itself. I live on my own so it’s easier to be here when I have long shifts.”  
  
“Makes perfect sense,” I responded, flashing him a small smile.  
  
“Mhm,” he nodded. “But eh… you should go back to sleep, miss Saltzman.”  
  
I yawned, feeling the sleepiness coming up again. “I really should huh, goodnight Ethan.”  
  
He patted my shoulder before walking away. “Goodnight, Josie.”  
  
I continued my walk through the halls and almost reached the hall where my room would be, but then heard a familiar voice again.  
  
“Ethan?”  
  
I knew my sister told me to stay away from her, but I just couldn’t. And so I decided to open the door of her room and take a step inside.  
  
“Great, you’re here. Could y-“  
  
“Wait… _Josie_?”  
  
I awkwardly waved at her as she looked at me in disbelief. “Hi.”  
  
“I thought you didn’t want to see me again?” I heard her say softly.  
  
I shook my head, still frozen in the same spot. “Of course not.”  
  
“Oh…” she trailed off. She pointed at the oxygen tank next to her bed. “Could you help me change the tank?”

I nodded at her, a little unsure of what to do, but still agreeing on helping her. I walked up to her, “So what do I do?”  
  
She pointed at the back of the room where a closet stood. “There’s a refill tank in there. Just grab one and I’ll tell you what to do next.”  
  
I did as she said, opened the closet door and grabbed a new oxygen tank out of it. I then took a seat on the chair standing beside her bed. “What do I do now?”

She pointed at the oxygen tank and tubes. “You see the tube? You can click it off and on at the top. Just click the old one off and click the new one on.”  
  
It took me a few minutes to complete it, but I finally did it and I saw Penelope looking at me with a bright smile as I sat on the chair beside her bed. “Thank you so much.”  
  
“It’s no problem,” I smiled back at her. “Do you need it all the time? The oxygen tank?”  
  
She shook her head. “No… I can do a short period without it, like half an hour?”  
  
“Hmm,” I nodded. “I’m sorry about my sister, by the way.”  
  
Those words made our eyes connect and I had never seen her look at me like that before. It was like she was thankful for the words I spoke, thankful for caring.  
  
“Thank you, Josie. It’s okay, really.”  
  
My gaze wandered off to her hand that was laying on top of the covers. I quietly put mine atop of it and noticed how tense she suddenly got. But instead of removing it again, I silently stroked her hand with my thumb. “I’m here for you, okay?”  
  
I felt her squeeze my hand before responding, “Thank you for being so good to me.”  
  
The words slipped out of my mouth, “You deserve it. You deserve the whole entire world.”  
  
She looked at me full of confusion. “Aren’t you supposed to be scared of me? Like everyone else?”  
  
I shook my head at that. “I’m not everyone else, Penelope.”  
  
“Josie I…”  
  
We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity and nothing seemed to snap us out of it. This all felt so genuine, so calm… like something I hadn’t felt before. But before I could say something, Penelope already did.  
  
“I think it’s better if you go… to get some sleep, yknow?”  
  
I nodded, looking away from her. “Yeah… I guess so.”  
  
I then did something I knew I shouldn’t have done. I leaned down and pressed a kiss against her cheek, walked up to the door and turned around one last time. “Goodnight, Penelope.”  
  
Before I closed the door behind me, I heard her whisper, “ _Goodnight, Jojo_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another chapter! one in which penelope and josie get closer and one in which josie and lizzie try to clear the feud between them. i hope you all enjoyed it, suggestions/commentary are always welcome. until next time! x


	6. the zoo

The weekend finally came, in which I thought I could rest… but the facility had other plans. As we all sat in the cafeteria for breakfast, Dorian Williams came in and announced something; “Ladies and gents, today it’s time for our yearly little day trip! This year we’re going to the zoo, we’re leaving with a bus after breakfast and everyone is coming along. Emma, Aaron and I will be there to guide you all, Ethan has a day off today.”  
  
“I’m not going without Ethan there,” I heard Penelope speak up from her table.  
  
And before Dorian could even respond, I saw my sister opening her big mouth. “This shit _again_? Are you two in a relationship or something?”

Everyone either face palmed themselves or let out a deep sigh at my sister’s words. No one dared to fire something back at her though, not even Penelope. Dorian just ignored it and went on, “Penelope, Emma is there if anything goes wrong. We have everything under control, okay?”  
  
“Fine,” Penelope sighed, leaning back in her chair.

“Any more questions?” Dorian asked, but it stayed silent. “Okay then, we’ll see you all after breakfast.”

After he left, everyone went on about how shitty the year day trips were and it made sure that I really wasn’t looking forward to it.

“The zoo? Really?” I heard Noa scoff from across the table.

Kaleb shrugged at her. “It could be fun. Everything better than that shitty museum from last year.”

“True that,” MG agreed, as did the others.

I stayed quiet throughout breakfast, taking in everything around me. I noticed how Hope did eat her breakfast today and I hoped that she’d keep it in this time. I also noticed how more often she’d be around Landon, or the other way around, it seemed like they quite enjoyed each other’s company.   
  
I saw how MG, Kaleb and Noa were in deep conversation about last year’s little day trip, while Rafael silently listened. At an other table in the canteen I saw my sister, quietly eating her breakfast. The table behind her was preoccupied with Penelope and her friends. They talked, laughed and seemed to enjoy themselves… even Penelope.   
  
But seeing my sister sitting there all alone, did break my heart a little. We were always so close, we could count on each other, we told each other everything. Now it was just tense, at the point of breaking.

I didn’t want it happen, but it was bound to.

That’s why I just let her be with herself at breakfast, waited until it was over, and as everyone was ready, hopped on the bus to sit next to Hope.

After Dorian told us it would be around a thirty minute drive, we finally started driving. Minutes of silence passed as most of us listened to music or went to sleep a little longer.   
  
“So eh, you and Landon?” I asked Hope as I saw her look at me innocently.

“Me? No…” she trailed off, chuckling lightly.

I laughed at that, there was for sure something going on between them. “Come on, I can sense it from a kilometer away.”  
  
“We’re just friends, Josie,” she stated, before bursting out in laughter.  
  
It then went silent again, until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked behind me, only to be met with Penelope’s eyes staring at me. “Hey.”  
  
I flashed her an awkward smile. “Hi.”  
  
She quickly looked beside her to see that Ella was sleeping and then turned her gaze back to me with a grin. “How about we explore the zoo… yknow, together?

I didn’t even need to think twice about my answer, though it kind of made me nervous to be there all alone with her. I didn’t know what those feelings were, but still answered, “I’d like that.”

“Great,” she whispered, smiling brightly at me. I smiled back at her and then turned around again to be met with Hope looking at me with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“What are you up to, hmm?”

“Me? Nothing…”

“Yeah, sure. I’m not deaf, Josie,” she chuckled, motioning with her head to the seats behind us.  
  
“Fine,” I sighed, rolling my eyes at her. “She asked me to walk around in the zoo, together.”  
  
When I spoke those words I first saw a sign of worry on Hope’s face, but it was quickly replaced by a grin. “Together, huh?”  
  
I shrugged at that. “She just likes being around me, as do I around her. Is that a bad thing?”  
  
“Nope,” Hope replied, popping the p. “I think it’s cute.”  
  
I shook my head playfully. “Shut up. There’s nothing going on between us.”

After a few more minutes we finally arrived at the zoo. Everyone would go on feet, except for MG, who was in so much pain today that he couldn’t do anything else than explore the zoo in a wheelchair, Kaleb already offered to walk him.

“So,” Dorian started. “Emma, Aaron and I are going to sit here for the rest of the day.” He pointed at a terrace of a restaurant. “If anything goes wrong, give us a call and we’ll be there. Okay?”  
  
“Alright sir,” I heard Rafael yell from behind me.   
  
Dorian clapped his hands together. “Okay! Have fun and don’t go anywhere alone, stick together with at least two persons.”

I noticed Hope leaning in to whisper something to me, “You should go now, it’ll go unnoticed by your sister. I’ll tell her you’re with Rafael and Landon.”  
  
I flashed her a thankful smile. “Thank you, really.”  
  
“It’s no problem,” she smiled, flashing me a wink.

I noticed how busy my sister was talking to Noa and quietly walked over to Penelope who was talking with her friends.   
  
“So Pen, you coming?” I heard Ella ask her.  
  
Penelope shook her head as she noticed me coming her way. She pointed at me, “I’m going together with Josie here.”  
  
When I was right behind Penelope, I put my hands on both her shoulders and whispered into her ear, “Hey.”  
  
She immediately turned around and chuckled, “Hi you. Ready to avoid your sister and watch cute animals together?”  
  
I laughed at that and nodded, “For sure.”  
  
She quietly looked over to my sister and the group and then motioned for me to walk behind her friends who were already leaving. We followed her friends, unnoticed by my sister who was busy talking to Hope, Noa, Kaleb and MG.   
  
When we were far enough out of sight, Penelope dragged me with her as we took a way different path than her friends. We ended up seeing the first few animals, it being meerkats.  
  
I saw Penelope laugh and point at one who stood upright and stared right at us, “Look at him.”  
  
I smiled at the sight, but also smiled at how Penelope seemed to enjoy this. She seemed full of joy and excitement as we went to see the next few animals. The oxygen tank trailed behind her, but I tried not to focus on it as much, and instead focus on how happy Penelope seemed to be.  
  
We arrived at the area full of ring tailed lemurs, one of my favourite animals to ever exist. There were a few, swinging from tree to tree. From the corner of my eye I noticed how Penelope was looking at me, a soft smile covering her face.  
  
I quickly looked beside me and smiled back at her. “Staring again, are we?”  
  
She shrugged and chuckled, “We definitely are.”

“I’ll allow it, only because it’s you,” I softly spoke, flashing her a playful wink.  
  
I heard her laugh softly, a sound I hadn’t really heard from her until today. It made me feel all happy inside, knowing that I put a smile on someone’s face. We watched the ring tailed lemurs for a few more minutes, before deciding to go to the next animals.  
  
“Bye little cuties,” I said, waving at them.   
  
I felt Penelope nudge my shoulder and looked at her as she spoke, “You’re silly, you know that?”  
  
I shrugged at that as we passed a few other people, “I’ve been told that.”  
  
“Of course,” Penelope chuckled, shaking her head.   
  
The next animal we saw was a hippo. It was far away from us, chilling in the water as we were surrounded by lots of people looking at him. I noticed how Penelope took her distance from the people and softly placed a hand on her shoulder. “You okay?”  
  
Penelope nodded with her eyes closed. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s just a lot of people.”  
  
“Can I help you?” I asked her worriedly, not knowing what to do.  
  
She shook her head. “No…” she then looked up at me with an embarrassed smile. “Maybe we could go to the next animals?”  
  
“Of course,” I said. “Of course we can.”  
  
We walked past the large group of people and made our way to a bit more quiet place. It was called _‘bird paradise’_ , and there weren’t as much people as before. I motioned for Penelope to follow me in there. We watched as we were surrounded by lots of different birds, from raptors to parrots, to exotic birds from all over the world.

As we walked through _bird paradise_ , we were both pretty silent, looking out over the hundreds of birds we saw. That was until Penelope spoke up, “How’s your PTSD?”  
  
The question gave me a feeling that she actually cared, and so I replied with a small smile, “It’s been going with ups and downs, yknow? But today it’s going alright so far. How are you holding up?”

Penelope shrugged at that. “Kinda the same. I’m sorry we had to lea-“

“ _No_ ,” I cut her off. “Please don’t apologize for that.”  
  
I heard her sigh next to me as we walked past some people and past the plenty of birds. The sight was beautiful and colourful. When we almost reached the end, I suddenly noticed Penelope freezing in her spot. I quickly turned around to reach out for her, unsure of what was going on.  
  
She stood there with her eyes closed, as if she felt something coming. I silently placed a hand on her shoulder for support. “What’s wrong, Penelope?”

She shook her head, still with her eyes closed. “I-I don’t know.”  
  
“Can I help you?”

“I don’t know.”

I was worried sick as I saw her beginning to rock back and forth with her body. I reached out to her and tried to get her to sit down on a bench a few meters away from us. I softly placed her beside me. She put her face in her hands and sighed deeply.   
  
Before I could even say something, the coughing started. And no, it didn’t sound normal, but sounded horrible. It kept on going and kept on going and I didn’t know what to do.

“Should I call someone?”  
  
She shook her head while coughing, but I was worried that she might choke. “Are you sure?”  
  
She then nodded, but as it started to get even worse, I couldn’t do anything else than call. I dialled Emma’s number and she picked up within seconds.

_“Yes?”_

“It’s Josie Saltzman. I’m here with Penelope and I’m afraid she might choke.”

_“Is she coughing up blood?”_  
  
I quickly looked beside me and noticed the red on Penelope’s hand. “Yes, I think so.”

_“Shit,”_ I heard Emma curse. _“I’ll be there right away, where are you two?”_  
  
“Bird paradise, on a bench near the end.”  
  
_“I’ll be there within a few minutes. Try to stay calm, okay?”_

She then ended the call and I immediately turned myself to make sure that Penelope was okay. I softly rubbed her back but the coughing didn’t seem to stop.  
  
“M-Maybe it’s b-better if you just l-let me die he…here,” she managed to get out in between her coughs.   
  
I shook my head and placed my free hand on her leg. “Of course not. Never.”

The coughing became so badly that the tears rolled down Penelope’s face and in every few coughs there was blood. I was scared that she might _really_ choke, I was scared that her state was degenerating. I felt so helpless, the only thing I could do was talk in to her.

“Keep on breathing, okay? Emma will be here soon.”

A few seconds after I spoke those words, I saw Emma coming our way. She ran up towards Penelope, crouched down in front of her and grabbed Penelope’s hands in hers. “Penelope look at me.”  
  
The coughing became less, but her breathing sounded like wheezing. Penelope still had her eyes closed as she looked down, tears making its way down her face.   
  
“Penelope…” Emma tried again. “I want you to look at me.”  
  
Without looking up at Emma, Penelope managed to get something out. “ _Ethan_.”

“Ethan isn’t here, Penelope. Can you listen to my voice?”

Penelope shook her head as more tears rolled down her face and I just watched as Emma tried to get more out of her. “I need Ethan here.”  
  
“Ethan isn’t here with us today, Penelope. I need you to listen to me.”  
  
Penelope’s breathing became even more unsteady and her body began rocking back and forth. Emma looked at me full of worry, as if she didn’t even know what to do. I was scared that something really bad would happen to Penelope right there, so I decided to try and calm her down myself.

As Emma stood up, I made my way to crouch down in front of Penelope. I quietly took her hands in mine and whispered, “It’s okay. I’m here.”  
  
No answer.

I softly stroked her hand with my thumb and sighed. “Penelope… we need to know what’s going on in order for us to help you.”  
  
And just when I thought the coughing became less, it started again… and heavily. Not to mention that her breathing was just as worse. Behind me I heard Emma say some things about an ambulance coming here in a bit.  
  
I started to panic myself but still tried to be there for Penelope, who’s coughing and breathing only got worse and worse. Emma then pushed me out of the way, leaving me completely startled. Behind me I saw a large amount of people forming itself to looki at the scene and I wondered what the fuck was wrong with them to look at such a horrendous thing.

Right when I thought this shit couldn’t get worse, I noticed my sister standing between those people. Along with Hope, Kaleb, Noa and MG. It didn’t take my sister long to find my eyes and her own became wide as she realized what was going on here.   
  
I quickly turned around, hoping she wouldn’t come my way, but she did. She turned me around as I threw one more glance at Emma and Penelope, who almost seemed to be unconscious.

“What the hell are you doing here with _Lucifer_?” she yelled at me angrily.  
  
“Shh,” I whispered loudly. “Can’t you have some respect, please?”  
  
She rolled her eyes at me as I saw everyone looking at us. “ _Respect?_ That bitch doesn’t deserve any. I hope this will let her learn.”  
  
I shook my head and laughed in disbelief. “Are you serious, Lizzie? She’s practically almost dying here, and you have the nerves to say _this_?”

“I told you to stay away from her… no wonder this happens, huh?” she gritted through her teeth.  
  
As I was about to say something, Hope came to stand in between us and threw her arms around me in an embrace. She leaned into my ear and whispered, “Don’t let her get to you, okay? She’s just being an ass.”  
  
“Thank you,” I whispered, before we both pulled away again.  
  
Hope grabbed Lizzie by her shirt and dragged my sister with her to the public that had surrounded itself around us. I shook my head and sighed before turning around again.   
  
Right then an ambulance drove backwards our way. An employee of the zoo motioned for everyone to back up and take their distance from the scene, as I turned my focus on Penelope again, who now was half unconscious saying some things to Emma.

I sat down on the bench beside Penelope again and started rubbing her back as Emma kept on talking into her. It was right there at that moment, that Penelope let her head fall onto my shoulder. I felt how my sweater became wet by her tears and I noticed how her breathing was still in a bad state.  
  
“The paramedics are almost here, Penelope,” Emma then said as she flashed me a sad smile.  
  
I returned the gesture, while I felt Penelope’s breathing becoming unsteady again. As good as it felt to have her lean on my shoulder, I softly removed myself from her and tried to talk in to her. “Try to breathe in for a few seconds and do the same with breathing out. You’re just letting yourself be even more panicked than you should be. It’ll all be okay, it _really_ will be.”  
  
But my words didn’t help and Penelope began coughing badly again, her breathing stayed the same as she closed her eyes in exhaustion and almost seemed to fall down. Emma tried to keep her upright as the paramedics made their way to us with a stretcher.  
  
They immediately helped her up and lifted her on top of the stretcher where she immediately got an infusion into her right hand. The paramedics also placed an oxygen mask on her mouth and pumped a needle with some liquid into her infusion.   
  
One of the paramedics walked up to Emma and I and pointed at the ambulance, “One of you can come with us in the front and one in the back.”

Emma then turned her gaze towards me. “Are you okay to come along with Penelope and I?”  
  
I didn’t doubt it for a second, I had to be there for her. “Yes, yes I am.”  
  
She then turned her gaze towards the paramedic. “I’ll go in the back and she’ll go in the front.”  
  
He nodded and motioned for us to come with him. I quickly looked behind me to see my sister, Hope and the rest. They all looked at me full of worry as I followed the paramedic inside of the ambulance. We drove off to the hospital and I wondered if Penelope would survive this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took me hella long to write and i barely had any inspiration. a sad and pretty short chapter, i know, but i promise that penelope will be okay for now and the next chapter will be longer. i still hoped y'all enjoyed this one and until the next!


	7. an update

hey you all! first of all, i want to thank everyone for reading this story and for giving it so much love; it warms my heart to know that people like something i create. then second of all... i might take a little longer with updating the next chapter(s), lately i've been feeling mentally and physically exhausted which causes me to not have any energy or inspiration to write. i _can_ say that i've started writing on the next chapter though, so within now and a week there might be an update. thank you all for your patience and support, i hope you understand. until the next chapter x

\- Joanie.


	8. love by mistake?

**Penelope’s P.O.V.**

Faint sounds of beeping entered my ears. I knew deep down what it meant and what I’d see when I’d open my eyes, but I just didn’t want it to be true. I hadn’t had such an attack in _weeks_ , maybe _months_ , and this all just had to ruin my health again.

I wanted to open my eyes, but I was scared to face reality, scared to face the fact that I was weak. I doubted it for a few minutes, but then decided to open my eyes. I was met with the white ceiling above me, met with sounds of machines beeping beside me, met with the hard reality of a hospital.

But when I looked beside me, I was dumbfounded.

_Josie._

When she seemed to notice that I was awake, a soft smile appeared on her face and she reached out to put her hand atop of my arm. I felt shivers all the way over my body, this girl had no idea what she was doing to me with just a touch or look.  
  
“Hey,” she said while flashing me a small smile.

I blinked my eyes at her. “Hey you.”

She pointed at the IV in my hand. “They are giving you saline for rehydration and some medication.”  
  
I nodded, sighing deeply. “I bet they are. What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t want to leave you alone,” she confessed, looking at me worriedly. “The paramedic asked me to come along, and I did.”

I knew it was a bad idea for me to do. I knew that deep down I already started to feel something for this girl and that by doing anything that would show it… I’d be fucked, because really, I couldn’t let her go through the same thing as Olivia did. I didn’t want her to follow in Olivia’s footsteps. But I just couldn’t help it. And so, I quietly reached out for her hand, that was now resting on my bed, and softly took hers in mine.

I noticed how she tensed up at the touch. She looked down at our hands and then back at me with a glare that was questioning. I just flashed her a smile that almost seemed like a grin and saw how she let out a soft chuckle. Yeah, she was _definitely_ cute.

It only made me want to go further… so the next thing I did was motioning with my hand for her to come closer. When she was close enough, I squeezed her hand and whispered, “Thank you for sticking around.”

When she pulled back, she looked away from me with a shy smile, before looking back at me again. “It’s no problem, really. I care about you.”

I sighed deeply before responding, “I care about you too.”

Right then an unfamiliar voice startled us both. We both turned our heads, only to see a nurse walking in.

She looked between us and then made her way to check the infusion. “I’m going to check if everything is okay. How are you feeling, Penelope?”

I shrugged at that. “Fine.”

She nodded in response before changing something on my infusion and then nodded her head at Josie. “Have you told her yet?”

I looked at her in confusion. “Told her what?”

For some reason I felt extremely nervous because of the question, but that completely faded away after she answered my question.

“That you’re going home tomorrow.”

I sighed in relief and saw how Josie looked at me with that damn cute smile of hers. “I’ll be back to annoy you tomorrow.”

\-----

**Josie’s P.O.V.**

It was just a little past dinner time when I arrived back at Westport. Emma and I drove back with a taxi. A little uncertain of what I should do, I just decided on getting back to my room. I didn’t feel like facing anyone else today, since going through all of this hospital shit was enough already.

When I arrived at the door of my room, I quietly opened it. My eyes immediately met Hope’s, who was nervously sitting on her bed. She instantly ran up to me and threw her arms around me in an embrace.

“ _You’re back_ ,” I heard her breathe into the hug.

I pulled away from her and flashed her a soft smile. “Yeah… I am. How are you? What’s going on?”

She went to lean against the door and faced me. “I… I had a small seizure right after you left... Luckily, Aaron and Dorian were right there and helped me through it, along with the medical staff there. But enough about me, how’s Penelope?”

I pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear before responding, “She’s doing just fine. She’s awake, everything is under control and she’ll be back tomorrow.”

“I’m so glad to hear that,” she said while a sad smile covered her face. “It’s really going downhill with her, huh?”

I sighed deeply and nodded at that. “I guess so, yes.”

I then suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder and saw Hope looking at me with a hopeful look. “She might get a new lung soon, though. Don’t lose faith.”

I shook my head and looked down, before facing her again. “I’ll try.”

All of a sudden the door flew open and I saw my sister standing in the doorway. She slammed the door shut behind her and looked at me furiously while Hope stood behind us, completely confused at to what was going on… and yeah, _so was I_.

She pointed a finger at me. “ _You_. How could you?”

I shook my head at her in confusion. “How could I _what_?”

She let out a laugh of disbelief. “After everything I’ve told you, everything I’ve asked you… you still decided to get along with _her_. I meant what I said when I wouldn’t be there for you when the time comes whereby the same thing that happened to Olivia, will happen to you too.”

I stood there with my mouth wide open. Nothing could come out. I was in disbelief. My sister kept on doing this, kept on controlling my life, who I could be friends with, who I wanted to trust, what I wanted to do… I was done with it. And so, I shot back. “Why won’t you just let me be for once? My whole life I’ve lived in your shadow, my whole life I was always second best, my whole life you’ve been controlling me. And guess what? I’m completely fucking done with that, Lizzie.”

I saw how my sister began to get even more furious. Hope had already taken a few steps back from the scene, standing beside the emergency button if anything would go wrong. When I looked back at my sister again, I saw tears rolling down her face, her breathing started to become heavy and I wondered what was going to happen. But did I really wanted to know?

“Why won’t you just listen to me?!”

Right then the door of my room flew open again. Mr. Leigh, or should I say _Aaron_ , came in with a tray in his hand. “Hey Josie, I-”

“What if I can’t protect you anymore, Josie? What then, huh?” my sister yelled at me angrily.

Aaron slipped past us, placed the tray with food on one of the nightstands and walked up to my sister who still didn’t seem to be done yelling at me. He went to stand in front of her. “Hey, hey. Calm down, Lizzie.”

“No,” I heard my sister say from behind him. “Let me pass.”  
  
“Lizzie-“

“Let me pass!” She then yelled at him.

But Aaron wouldn't let her. He softly grabbed her shoulders. "No, Lizzie. I'm going to take you to 24 hour watch."

Lizzie shook her head at that. " _Again_? Why?"

"You know why," Aaron said, softly pushing her towards the door. He then looked back at us. "Lights out at 10 tonight. I'll see you two tomorrow in class."

"See you tomorrow," Hope then said, before Aaron closed the door behind him and disappeared along with my sister.

She was _really_ being a pain in the ass.

I sighed deeply, sliding down the door and pushing my knees up to my chest while I sat there. Hope flashed me a sad smile as she sat on her part of the bunkbed, leaning against the wall.

"She's really losing it lately, huh?"

I nodded and rolled my eyes. "Yes... I can't take it anymore."

I felt myself becoming rather angry than sad. Deep down I knew that if I wouldn't tell someone, I might lose it and slip into a panic attack or worse. That's why I decided to talk to the girl across from me, hoping it'd fade away.

I felt the words leave my mouth. "You know... although we often had disagreements, my sister was my everything. That all changed when she tried to strangle my father in an episode she had. When he was killed, I was so mad at her. Yes, of course she was here at Westport at the time and I couldn't see her, but that was exactly the reason why I was mad. She wasn't here for me, she didn't even feel... sad, she showed no emotions when I told her about our father. At his funeral, she didn't cry, she just watched. Maybe it's her way of coping... but I just, I-I don't know, I needed her at the time and she wasn't there for me, while my whole life I'd been there for her. It still saddens me, and now even more, that she _still_ won't support me."

I hadn't even noticed that I'd started crying. Tears rolled down my face and Hope just blankly stared at me before shaking her head and walking up towards me. Moments later I felt her arms around me as she tried to give me some comfort.

For the first time in forever, I felt like someone really supported me. Like someone really cared, like I had the sister my own sister couldn't be.

I felt proud of myself for finally giving in and allowing someone to listen to my story, my thoughts, my feelings. It was a feeling I had longed for, for a long time.

That night I fell asleep. Although on one hand, I knew the nightmares would come again, I knew on the other that there was someone I could lean on. And knowing that Penelope came back tomorrow, made sure that I didn't fear the night. I let it come, I would overcome it.

\---

The next day it was quiet and calm at breakfast… probably because both Penelope and Lizzie weren’t there. I wasn’t going to lie, my heart sank when I noticed that Penelope wasn’t there. I’d already missed her a lot, I missed being around her… I _missed_ her.

For some reason, that conclusion didn’t feel like a good thing. I didn’t want to care for someone this much, didn’t want to catch feelings… but then again, I couldn’t help myself.

When breakfast was finally over, we all went to class where Mr. Leigh, or Aaron, would continue future sketching with us. As I sat down next to Hope and the rest walked into class, I suddenly noticed a raven haired girl making her way into the classroom… she was finally back.  
  
She kept her head down, as she often did, and took a seat in the back of the class. She didn’t seem to notice me, or just didn’t _want_ to notice me. I felt myself become saddened at that, but tried to brush it off and focus my attention on Mr. Leigh who sat down on his usual spot, his desk.

“Welcome class,” he said, smiling at us. “Besides the events that happened yesterday, did you all enjoy our yearly day trip?”

“It was shit,” I heard Kaleb say from behind me.

Aaron nodded at that with a chuckle. “Well… that’s one way to put it. Should we just continue with class then?”

“Where’s Lizzie?” Noa asked from beside us.

“She’s under 24 hour watch after an incident,” Aaron spoke honestly, giving Noa the answer she wanted.

"Let me guess? It’s _Park's_ fault?" Noa scoffed, averting her gaze towards Penelope.

"I don't think Penelope has an-"

"Will you all stop blaming me every time something happens to that _psychopath_?" Penelope shot back at her.

Noa let out a laugh of disbelief, while everyone watched the scene. "Psychopath? If there's anyone a psycho here, it's _you_. You killed Olivia, remember?"

I then heard a bang on a table, which came from Penelope. She stood up behind her desk and pointed a finger at Noa. "Don't you dare say her name."

"What then?" Noa scoffed at her. "You're going to kill me too?"

"Ladies, thats en-"

Tears were rolling down Penelope's face now, as she shot back one more time. "I didn't fucking kill her. You all made sure that she killed herself. I was the _only one_ who _cared_."

"Oh yeah?" Noa fired back at her. "Yet you didn't care enough and she's six feet under now. Everyone here knows it's your fault, so stop playing the victim."

That was the final straw for Penelope. She shoved the table away from her in anger and stormed out of class, tears making its way down her face as she walked past me.

Mr. Leigh was ready to go after her, but I piped in. "I'll go check if she's okay."

He nodded in response, while everyone else was quiet and just stared at each other in disbelief, wondering what the hell just happened.

I walked out of class, unsure of where Penelope could have went. I first checked her room... but there was no sight of her there. I then also checked the movie room, cafeteria and almost entered the 24 hour watch.

I decided though, that she wouldn't be here. And oh yeah, I _really_ didn't want to face my sister. I walked through the hallways of Westport, wondering where the fuck Penelope could be.

What place else could Penelope go? Did I miss something?

I then realized that I hadn't checked the garden. I sighed deeply, knowing that it was literally on the other side of Westport, close to the classroom. Why didn't I think of it before?

_Because you're not as smart, Josie._

When I finally arrived at the entrance of the garden, I took in a deep breath and took a few steps inside. Right there, on the bench I often sat, was Penelope.

I could hear her sobs, she had her face buried in her hands and her whole body was shaking. I hated seeing her like this.

I quietly took a few steps in her direction. When I stood in front of her, she still didn't seem to notice me. I decided to crouch down in front of her, hoping she'd notice me now.

And she did.

She removed her hands from her face and stared right at me. Her eyes wet from tears. "W-Why are you here?'

"I'm here to help," I spoke softly.

"S-Shouldn't you h-hate me?" she then asked, bursting out in tears again.

"Why would I?" I whispered, quietly reaching out for her hands as I softly took them in my own. I gently stroked them with my thumbs.

She looked down at our hands, full of confusion, before looking back at me with sad eyes.

"I-I don't _understand_."

"You don't have to..." I whispered softly. "Just know that I don't blame you for anything."

Penelope shook her head as more tears rolled down her face. "W-Well you s-should. I-I... _killed_ her."

"You didn't, Penelope."

But my words didn't come through anymore. She began shaking, hyperventilating and didn't dare to look me in the eyes anymore.

I was unsure of what to do, but decided to do what people would always do to me when I'd have a panic attack. Talk, comfort and breathe.

"Penelope," I started, still holding on to her hands. "Look at me."

She shook her head again and began letting out loud sobs as her breathing became even more unsteady.

"Penelope, look at me," I tried again.

But still nothing.

"Look," I began. "I'm here to help. I'm not here to judge you, I'm here as your friend. You can _trust_ me. I just want you to be okay."

I then gave a soft squeeze in one of her hands, hoping she'd look at me now... but she still didn't.

"Penelope..." I trailed off, trying to get her attention.

Sobs still left her body, she was still hyperventilating and everything just seemed to be one big blur.

I decided to try to get her to breathe steadily again. "You need to focus on your breathing, Penelope. 4 seconds in, 7 out."

When she didn't listen, I tried to be an example for her. "We'll do it together. Listen to me."

I breathed in for four seconds, held my breath and then tried to breathe out for seven seconds. I repeated the action a few times, and after three times of trying, Penelope finally did it.

"Good, Penelope. You're doing _so_ well."

We did it again. Again. And again.

That's when she finally opened her eyes again and stared right at me. I was dumbfounded, I didn't know how to act, what to say... I just really didn't know.

Luckily for me, Penelope started talking herself.

"Thank you."

Those two words hit me hard. I didn't know why, but they just did. I then realized that I was still holding her hands and awkwardly removed myself from them. "I... It's no problem, really."

I decided to get up and sit next to her on the bench. As I sat down, I felt her eyes on me, staring longingly.

I decided to look beside me, only to stare right into her eyes again. Up close they were even more beautiful. I felt my heart rate going up, felt myself getting warm, and again… I didn't know what to do.

I hadn't felt this way about anyone in _years_. When life was still somewhat carefree for me, in the second year of high school, I remember having a crush on this girl in my class. I kept it quiet for months, only to find out she was moving right when I wanted to tell her.

And that feeling of having a crush? I felt it all over again when I was around Penelope. I knew everyone told me to just stay away from her, that she was the devil, that she killed her former girlfriend... but none of that was true to me.

She was everything I longed for. She was caring, smart, beautiful; even with those oxygen tubes coming out of her nose. And her soul, so far I'd seen it, it was extraordinary. She was a mystery I was yet to unravel. Maybe she was obnoxious, maybe she was selfish... maybe she was evil. But that was something I was ready to find out.

"Trust me, Josie," she then started. "You don't want to do what you're about to do."

I softly placed my forehead against hers, closing my eyes as I whispered, "Why not?"

I opened my eyes at her response and noticed the tears rolling down her face as she answered. "Because I'm afraid I'll get you killed too."

Right then, I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. I wanted her to know that I was ready to take the jump, that I was ready to get to know her even better, that I was ready to give myself to her.

I closed my eyes again, my lips close to trembling as I leaned in...

"Everything okay girls?"

We both didn't know how fast to pull away from each other. My heart almost beat out of my chest as I turned my gaze towards Mr. Leigh who was standing right around the corner.

I gave him a thumbs up. "Yes, Aaron. Everything's cool."

He flashed us a soft smile. "Well, good. You two can go back to your rooms or just stay here for the rest of class... I'll talk to Noa about her behaviour, to make sure this won't happen again, okay?

"Thank you," Penelope spoke up from beside me.

Aaron nodded at us and then made his way back to the classroom.

An awkward tense feeling made its way around us. We both didn't dare to look at each other, still a little bit confused about everything that just happened.

Penelope then stood up. "I'm going back to my room."

I held a hand through my hair, also standing up. "Uh yeah... that's a good idea."

She flashed me an awkward smile. "I uh... Thank you for helping me, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know."

Before I could even answer, I felt her arms around me. I was startled at first, but then returned the gesture, burying my face in her neck as we both quietly stood there.

"Don't ever thank me again. I'd do anything for you," I whispered into her hair.

Right after I said that, we both pulled away. I thought she'd immediately walk away, but before she did that, she planted a kiss on my cheek.

She said nothing and walked away, the oxygen tank trailing behind her. I placed my hand on the spot she just kissed and shook my head while letting out a quiet laugh.

Penelope Park was _unbelievable_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you all!!!! i love you all!! i really do. thank you for all the kind messages and for understanding. i wrote a little longer chapter, just as promised. the next chapter might take a while again, but i'll try my best to upload every week. thank you all for reading! tell me what you think of this one x


	9. dying list

It was the day after the incident in class. The day after I almost kissed Penelope Park. I was still in disbelief at how and why I almost did it… but realized that I was having a massive crush on this girl, the girl who everyone told me to stay away from.

I kind of wanted to talk to her about it, but also knew that she probably wasn’t in the mood to do so. I sighed and rolled over to the other side of my bed. It was almost time, yes, but I was so tired from the night.  
  
Even though I had medication ever since I came here, it didn’t take away my nightmares. It _did_ take away the anxious feeling I’d felt all day through and helped me in repressing my feelings of anger whenever the switch flipped.

Hope had gotten used to it; the screaming, the talking, the sobs. I had asked her several times if she didn’t want another roommate, but she just told me that everyone has their own flaws. I guess that was kind of true.

Right when I felt my eyes close again, I heard an alarm go off. I sighed, put a pillow over my face and groaned into it.  
  
Beneath me I heard the squeaking of the bed, which meant that Hope was awake too. I threw the pillow to the end of the bed and sat upright, waiting for Hope to stand up from her bed. When she did, I looked down at her. “How’d you sleep?”

She chuckled at the sight of me. “I slept good, you didn’t wake me once.” She then pointed at my hair. “Your hair looks… great.”

I put my hand through my hair and felt how it’d must look like a bird’s nest… or the hairdo of a scarecrow. I did my best attempt at a wink in the morning. “I know, right? Thank you.”

I heard her laugh before she went off into the bathroom. I decided to also get ready, couldn’t be late for breakfast, right?

After taking around fifteen minutes to get ready, especially my hair, Hope and I made our way to the cafeteria. Just like always, almost everyone was already seated behind one of the tables.

My eyes wandered through the place, there was no sign of Penelope. Nor with her friends, nor alone. My eyes did find my sister, quietly eating what looked like muesli as she sat beside Rafael and the others.

Hope wanted to walk up there, but I dragged her along with me. When we stood second in line for a breakfast tray, I pointed at it. “How about you _do_ eat today’s breakfast and you get to pick the next movie we watch?”

Hope rolled her eyes at me but decided to agree to this deal. “Fine.”

I softly smiled at her and gave a pat on her shoulder as the cafeteria lady handed her a tray with breakfast. When we both got our trays, Hope went to sit in between Landon and MG and I went to sit next to my sister. I couldn’t completely avoid her, though I wish I could sometimes.

She didn’t say anything as I sat down beside her. I silently ate my breakfast, which consisted of muesli with yoghurt, and listened to the conversations everyone was having. My eyes wandered off to Hope and Landon.

I saw him point at the tray of breakfast. “Look at you. I’m so proud.”

Hope flashed him a shy smile. “Thank you.”

The rest were talking about yesterday’s incident in class. A subject I really didn’t want to talk about today, but I probably couldn’t avoid it.

“What did you think, Josie?”

Yeah… I _definitely_ couldn’t avoid it.

“Think about what?” I piped in, acting like I didn’t know what they were talking about.

“Well _obviously_ she’s taking Park’s side, isn’t she?” Noa fake smiled at me.

I scoffed at that. “I’m not taking sides. Can we not talk about this?”

“Sure Jan,” Noa laughed in disbelief. “You’re with her all the time.”

I wondered why my sister didn’t say anything. I wondered why she refused to chime into this conversation… or any conversation at all. Something was bothering her, but I didn’t know what.

As I ignored Noa’s statement about me, they all went to talk about something else. I took it as the perfect moment to talk to my sister. And so, I leaned in to whisper, “Are you okay?”

She turned to me with an angry glare. “And only now you’re asking me that?”

“I-I…”

“Yeah…” she scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief as everyone now stared at us. “You know what? Just don’t talk to me today or the day after. After that, we’ll talk about this.”  
  
She then stood up and headed out of the cafeteria. I looked at the rest in confusion, not knowing what the hell was going on.

MG then spoke up, “Tomorrow’s a year since Olivia passed.”

Kaleb gave him a punch on his shoulder. “Why would you say that, man?”

MG shrugged as we all sat there in silence.  
  
I now understood why my sister was being so quiet. These few days were hard for her, they would be a hell for her to go through. I knew I had to be there for her… but if she kept pushing me away, then how could I? And did I even want it anymore, constantly being there for her and getting nothing in return? I honestly didn’t know anymore.

“I uh… I’m going to get some air,” I said, standing up from behind the table and walking out of the cafeteria.

I wandered through the hallways, coming close to the one that would contain Penelope’s room. But right when I wanted to go around the corner, I noticed Ethan walking there with a woman. I studied the woman but couldn’t unravel who she could be. I counted the doors and was startled as they came to a stop. It was Penelope’s room.

Ethan opened the door and motioned with his hand for the woman to go in. He closed the door behind him and they both disappeared into Penelope’s room.

I knew it was a bad idea, but I _had_ to know what was going on.

I came closer and closer until I finally reached the door of Penelope’s room. I placed my ear against the door and heard voices going back and forth.

“But mom, you said you’d get me higher on the list.”  
  
_Penelope’s voice. It was Penelope._

“I know, sweetheart. But there’s nothing more they can do… they treat everyone the same, no matter what their time yet to live is.”

“May I chime in?”  
  
Ethan. Silence.

“I could speak a word with the treating surgeon about it. I know there’s nothing much left to do, but it’s at least worth a try, right?”

I then heard Penelope speak up again. “Two months, Ethan. They’ve given me only two months. How am I supposed to be okay with _‘trying’_ things?”

Right then I felt my heart shatter into millions, if not billions, of pieces. It was like the whole world gave out from beneath me. It was like I couldn’t breathe, like I couldn’t think… everything was one big blur.

I covered my mouth with my hand as I felt the sobs wanting to leave my body. I tried to keep myself upright and ran. I ran and ran and ran, until I felt my legs give out. I dropped down on the floor, my back leaning against a wall as I sat there, staring blankly ahead of me as tears rolled down my face.  
_  
Two months?_

I was perplexed, I was scared, I felt betrayed… I felt like I had already lost her. When Hope told me she had a few months left to live… I thought of something like a year… or maybe more. This scenario completely came out of the blue. Why hadn’t Penelope told me that? Why not? This way it could’ve prevented a lot of feelings. Because not only would I lose someone I cared for, I would lose someone I was starting to fall in love with. I didn’t want to go through the pain of losing someone like that.

I sat there, rethinking everything over and over, and over again. I probably looked like a ghost as I sat there, but no one was around. I felt so empty, so lost.

Right then, I noticed Ethan walking through the hallways. His serious expression changed into a worried one when he saw me sitting there.

Yeah, I definitely looked like a ghost.

He quickly walked up towards me and crouched down beside me. “Care to share?”

I shook my head. Everything roamed around in my head again. _Two months. Two months. Two months._ “Two months?”

Ethan looked at me in confusion. “Two months?”

“That’s the time she has left, huh?”

He sighed deeply when he realized what I was referring to. “Yes… how do you know?”

“I may have eavesdropped…” I trailed off as tears rolled down my face again.

“Josie…” he sighed again. “You can’t do that.”

Those few words made my body fill up with anger. This time my medication wasn’t strong enough to stop me from snapping at him. “And what then, huh? I’d give my all to this girl, only to find out she will die in eight weeks, if not less?”

“Josie I-”

“ _I’m sorry?_ Well that’s too late now. If I had known this I’d-“

“What’d you do, huh?”

I sighed at that. “I-I don’t know.”

I then felt Ethan's hand on my knee. I looked up at him and noticed him speaking up, "I know how hard this might be for you to hear. Maybe Penelope should've told you sooner, but then again, think of how hard it must be for her to tell you that she's practically dying in two months. I think telling someone you really care about something like that, is extremely hard."

Ethan's words did make sense. Yes, of course it was hard for Penelope. Death is one of human's greatest fears and to accept that there's a big possibility that it might take you soon, is really fucking hard. But although I understood it, this feeling of anger and disappointed still kept on flowing through my body.

"I know."

It were the only words I could get out, before I stood up and excused myself to get to class. For once, I hoped that Penelope wasn't there, because I wouldn't know how to act around her.

\------

As I entered the classroom I said nothing to anyone and took a seat in the back. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, didn’t feel like facing anyone. Everyone around me seemed to notice, as Hope looked at me questioningly while she took a seat in front of me. Hell, even my sister looked at me as she went to sit next to Noa.

As expected, Penelope was the last to enter the classroom. Normally she’d look down, hair hanging in front of her face, but today she looked up and greeted her friends in the process.  
  
My body tensed up as I noticed her coming closer to me. Was she really going to sit next to me right now? _Really?_

Yes, really.

Right when she sat down beside me, Mr. Leigh walked in. It was the perfect moment to act like I was focused on him while she talked to me.  
  
“Hey Jojo.”

I said nothing and just looked straight ahead. After a few more attempts of getting me to talk Penelope noticed that I wasn’t in the mood to talk, her expression though, looked confused.

After some information on the future sketching project, Mr. Leigh got the laptop cart and handed us all one. I tried to continue from where I left of, but Penelope sitting right next to me, made sure that I couldn’t focus.

Minutes of doing nothing passed by and that’s when Penelope tried it again.

“Josie, why aren’t you talking to me? What did I do?”

I just shook my head and tried to focus on the laptop in front of me. Beside me I heard Penelope sigh deeply. “Fine.”

The hour passed by dreading slowly. When Mr. Leigh dismissed the class, I was the first to stand up and get the hell out of there. But as expected, Penelope Park herself followed right behind me.

“Josie, wait!”

I froze in my tracks, took in a deep breath and turned around to face her. She stood there, a few steps away from me as she looked at me worriedly. “Will you please explain to me what the hell is going on with you?”

I couldn’t control myself. “You know _exactly_ what’s going on, Penelope.”

“No, I don’t,” she fired back at me, looking at me as if she was the most confused she’s ever been.

I shook my head before turning around, “You know what? Just… forget it.”

I began to quicken my phase as I walked through the hallways. I knew Penelope was still following right behind me as I reached the door of my room, so I decided to open it and quickly close it behind me.

Bad idea.

Right after I closed the door, Penelope began knocking on it. “Josie, come on!”

I waited for a few minutes and as they passed, the knocking also stopped. But as expected, right when I wanted to walk up to my bed, I heard her again.

“Josie…”

I closed my eyes, sighed deeply and rethought everything. Yes, Ethan was right on one hand… it was hard to live with the fact that you’d be dead in two months. It was hard to tell people, or to even bring up the subject.  On the other I’d put my trust into her, I put my feelings into her, I thought we’d be honest with each other… but I guess not.

I chose to, for once, shrug those feelings off and let Penelope explain herself. I slowly opened the door, revealing a really worried looking girl standing there. I hadn’t seen Penelope like this before… it was almost as if I could see the hurt in her expression.

As I took a few steps back, Penelope took a few steps forward and pushed the door closed behind her. She leaned against the door, her hands behind her back as she looked at me questioningly.  
  
“Why are you mad at me?”

I went to sit down against the bed, my knees pushed up against my chest, just like I did earlier today during my encounter with Ethan. I looked up at her, our eyes fixated on each other as I spoke, “ _Two months?_ Is it true?”

She was obviously shocked at me knowing it. She seemed to tense up a little, moved herself from the door and quietly walked over to me. I looked at her in confusion as she sat down right next to me. “I don’t know how you know, I don’t know who told you or where you got it from…” she quickly took a glance at me before continuing, “but that all doesn’t matter now. What _does_ matter, is that it’s indeed true.”

I felt myself getting emotional at her confession. I didn’t want it to be true, I didn’t want to lose her. I just didn’t wanted all of this to even exist. Why did such a beautiful soul have to suffer this much? It was unfair.

My voice began to shake as I talked to her, “T-then why didn’t you j-just tell me?”

I noticed how she tried her best to fight back her tears. “Because Josie, I don’t want you to sink into the same darkness as Olivia did. I don’t want you to live with the burden of losing someone you care for, because I’ve seen how you care and I-I… it gives me so much new hope and energy. _You_ give me that. I just don’t want you to go through the pain this will bring you. The chance that I might die is becoming bigger and bigger, Jojo… and I don’t want you to deal with that fact.”

I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and burst right out in them. I tried to hide myself by using my hand, hoping Penelope wouldn’t noticed how fucking horrible I looked while giving in to my emotions. But instead of that, I felt her hand pulling mine away from my face.  
  
“ _No_. No, no no,” she whispered softly as she started to wipe away the tears that rolled down my face. “There’s nothing sure yet. We need to have hope… please Josie, don’t cry.”

I just stared at her. The sparkle in her eyes was still there, which made me believe she had the hope that things might be okay, but something inside of me just couldn’t find that bit of hope. “I-I don’t want to lose you.”

She shook her head as the tears she tried to fight against, now rolled down her face. The way she cried made my heart sink into my stomach. I felt her hand search for mine as I looked down and saw how she intertwined our fingers. I don’t know why it happened, but I felt those so called butterflies make its way into my body. It’s like I felt them _everywhere_.

I quietly closed my eyes, living in the moment as the silence surrounded us. As I opened my eyes again, I was met with Penelope softly smiling at me. “Why don’t we just forget about this for a second?”

I was confused as to how we would even be able to forget about this. “How?”

“Like this.”

After speaking those two words, I noticed her coming closer. Was this really going to happen _now?_  Would I let her? Wouldn’t this make things even harder for us?

I left the questions unanswered as I let the feelings flow through my body. I felt nervous, I felt as if it would be the first time something like this happened to me, when in reality I’d done it before. But even though I knew it, the feelings only got stronger. I wanted nothing more than to give in, I wanted to experience it, I wanted her to kiss me.

I felt her breath on my lips. Her eyes then wandered to mine and I swear that right at that moment, I forgot about everything. I only saw her, her beauty and the small grin that was plastered on her face as she looked into my eyes. Her breath still grazed over my lips as her eyes quickly wandered off to them.  
  
I closed my eyes, completely unsure of what the hell was going on, but I let it all happen. Before I even knew it, she captured my lips into a soft, tender kiss.

It all felt so… _right_. It all made me feel whole inside, _she_ made me feel all whole inside. I placed my hand behind her neck and pulled her closer to me, deepening the kiss as we explored each other’s mouths. It was like I couldn’t get enough of her and the feeling she managed to give me.

Right then, I heard the door swing open and Hope showed up in the doorway. “Josie-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter!! they finally kissed... how do we feel about that y'all??? let me know! the next chapter might take a little longer again due to my mental health being a really horrible state right now. thank you for reading x  
> ps: this chapter is named after a song that's relatable to Penelope's situation, if you want to give it a listen, here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCnMAwh3R60


	10. maybe

Hope stood there frozen in the doorway. “I- uh... never mind. Did I interrupt?”

I chuckled at that, while in the corner of my eye, I noticed Penelope tensing up. “No, it's all fine.”

I averted my gaze to Penelope. I was carried away by how beautiful she looked, even with those tubes coming out of her nose.

I couldn't say or do anything though, because Penelope stood up and let the oxygen tank trail behind her. She turned around before reaching the door. “I'll probably see you tomorrow, Josie. Goodnight for later.”

“Goodnight,” I quickly said, but she already had walked past Hope and stormed out of the room.

Hope closed the door behind her and looked at me with a little grin. “So, I was interrupting... _nothing_?”

I playfully rolled my eyes at her as I sat on the ground, still against her bed. “You were _really_ interrupting nothing.”

She let out a small laugh. A laugh that always made me smile when I heard it. “If you say so, Josie.”

Hope then sighed and threw herself on her bed as I still sat there, turning myself around to face her. “Care to share?”

She seemed a little uncertain about what to do, but still decided to speak up. “It's Landon. I just... he told me something about his past today and it just kind of shocked me. I don't really know how to deal with it since I've never met a person who's... done something like that.”

I took everything in she said and tried to come up with an answer. Eventually, I came up with one. “I'm sure that whatever it is, everyone deserves a chance. Do you... like him?”

She let her head fall on the pillow and looked up at the bottom of the bed above her. I heard her sigh deeply. “I mean... I guess I do. But what if he relapses or something like that?”

I shrugged at that. Relapsing in things was part of being human and this facility could help and was meant to help us with our struggles. “They're here to help him. If he does relapse, which you can't know because we don't have a crystal ball to see our future, I'm sure they're able to get him on the right path again. Follow your heart, Hope. Life is _way_ too fucking short.”

I then heard that well-known laugh of hers again. “Look at you being all hippie-like. _'Life is way too short_ ', ' _follow your heart'_ , ' _he'll get on the right path again'_ , impressive.”

I reached out to playfully give a slap below her knee. “Shut up, you know I'm right. And, you know, maybe I'm just in a good mood. But eh anyway, drinking or drugs problem?”

“Drugs,” Hope spoke with a tone of sadness. “Don't tell him I told you but he was a heroin addict. He's about four months clean now.”

I nodded as I took it all in. “Damn, that must've been, and probably still is, really hard for him.”

“Definitely,” Hope said softly, meeting my eyes in the process. “But another subject... did my eyes see it right? You two... kissed?”

The question startled me and I immediately stood up. One, because I was shocked and two, because I wanted to be a joking pain in the ass. “We're not talking about this today, miss.”

I quickly climbed on top of the bed and let myself fall down on the pillow. I heard Hope speak up again. “Well... I'll wait as long as I have to, Josette.”

We talked about things other than Penelope or Landon for the rest of the evening and after reading for a while, we both decided to call it a night.

My mind wouldn't stop repeating the kiss. It felt like the only thing I could think about was Penelope that night, but I was proved wrong, when the nightmares entered my brain again.

\------

The next day came. A day that carried lots of pain for everyone at the facility. It was a year since Olivia passed away.

At breakfast it was awfully quiet. My sister and Penelope both didn't show up and when was asked who came along to visit Olivia's grave, only a few raised their hands.

Before I even knew it, I sat in a taxi bus with Ethan as our watch, my sister, Penelope, Noa, Rafael, Hope, MG and Ella. No one said anything, and just as during breakfast, it was completely silent.

After a forty minute drive, the bus came to a stop. Ethan was the first to step out of the vehicle and everyone else followed.

Ethan motioned for us to follow him. MG and Rafael walked behind him, while my sister and Noa walked behind them and then followed Hope and I as Penelope and Ella followed behind us.

We walked past hundreds of graves, to eventually reach a quite new area with graves of people who passed away from on now and two years ago.

As we passed a few, Ethan finally came to a stop and so did all of us. We made half a circle around it, so everyone could see it and take a moment to think of her.

**IN LOVING MEMORY OF**

**OLIVIA AMELIA FRASER**

**_always in our thoughts, forever in our hearts_ **

I felt a lump in my throat as I looked at the tombstone. Calculating the date of birth plus the date she passed, made me figure out she died at the age of 18.

As we had taken a moment together, Ethan now walked away and let us be alone if we wanted to. I followed him, as did the others, except for Penelope who crouched down in front of the grave.

I watched from a distance, the oxygen tank stood behind her as she seemed to talk to Olivia.

My sister looked at the scene and shook her head. “She even has the balls to go up there and talk to her.”

“Not now, Liz.”  
  
The voice came from Noa, who rubbed my sister’s back in the process. We stood there in silence, watching as Penelope was still up in her thoughts bending over the grave.

I thought we’d had the fights and discussions for now, but my sister shoved past all of us, taking angry steps towards the grave. I facepalmed myself and sighed deeply as Ethan went after Lizzie.

What she then did, left us all in shock.

“I’ve had enough!” Lizzie yelled at Penelope, before pushing her over.

Penelope fell down on her back, almost hitting her own oxygen tank while doing so. “What the _fuck?!_ You psycho!”

Lizzie let out a laugh of disbelief. “ _Me_? A psycho? I think we all know it’s _you_.”

“Can we not do this now?” Penelope begged, a tone of sadness in her voice as she slowly stood up and dusted off her clothes.

“How can I not when you’re here at her grave, acting like you had _nothing_ to do with her death,” my sister scoffed back at her.

I saw Penelope shaking her head before responding, “You know what, Lizzie? I blame myself for her death _every_ single fucking day. I feel guilt, because I keep on thinking I wasn’t there enough for her, because I think I could’ve done more to help, because I should’ve told others to keep an eye on her. And then you come here, on the day we should respect and remember her, and all you do is put some extra blame on me. Maybe you should blame yourself too, since we all are responsible for not being there enough. So yeah, I definitely have something to do with her death… but _you_ do _too_.”

She walked past my sister, facing Ethan behind her. “Can we go now?”

Ethan nodded at her. “Yeah, we will soon.”

As it often did today, the silence took over again as we left the graveyard. Penelope still didn’t seem to be in the mood to talk to me. We sat in the taxi bus and she sat on the other side of the bus. I tried to meet her eyes, and after a few times of trying, I gave up. But when I did it one last time, I found her staring back at me.

I saw the pain in her eyes, the sadness, the grief. I didn’t really know what to do, how to act or what to even say. I just stared at her until she looked away again. Would this be our only interaction today?

\------

As we all entered Westport again, everyone went their separate ways. It was the, I thought, perfect time for me to talk to Penelope.

So when everyone left, I followed behind the girl who was absolutely confusing me today. “Penelope?”

I stood there frozen as she slowly turned around to face me. There was no one around us, surrounded by the walls of the hallways here at Westport.

My eyes averted themselves to her oxygen tank, then back to her eyes. They were sad, tired and I didn't really know if calling after her was the right decision to make, but I couldn't turn back time and change it.

“I don't think we should talk, Josie.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at that. “Why? What's wrong?”

She took a few steps towards me and took in the spot right in front of me. She looked me right in my eyes, then looked down and sighed. “Look... maybe this all is too soon. Maybe I... Maybe I made a mistake by kissing you.”

A _mistake_? Is that what I was to her? Is that what _all of this_ was to her?

I stared at her in disbelief and shook my head as I felt the tears coming up. I tried to hold them back but when I felt them leaving my eyes, I quickly turned around and let them fall.

I walked away from her, anger boiling up inside of me as my feet dragged me forward. Flashes of that night roamed around in my head. My father, the intruder, the gun, the shot, the blood. It all came back to me.

Suddenly the intruder came into my vision. He came closer and closer, the gun pointed right at me. I felt scared, I felt trapped, I couldn't fucking breathe.

A touch. He tapped my shoulder.

“ _Don't_ fucking _touch_ me!” I screamed as tears rolled down my face.

“Josie?”

How did he know my name? Why did he even have the guts to touch me?

I buried my face in my hands, dropped down on the floor and felt myself becoming totally crazy.

His hand grabbed my shoulder. I didn't know how, but the gun was pointed right at me. Panic was all that flowed through my body.

“Please...” I begged him. “I don't want my sister to lose me too. I'll never forgive myself.”

But the gun touched my head. Life flashed by before my eyes. Flashes of the past, present and of what the future could bring. I cried, _god_ did I cry, but he wouldn't remove the gun.

“D-don't do this, _p-please_ ,” I sobbed. “P-Penelope needs me. S-she can't do this alone.”

“Josie? Jojo? I'm here.”

 _Penelope_? Was it really her?

Suddenly everything went to black. All I heard were those words Penelope spoke. I felt my eyes slowly open and was met with the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. But well... right now, she looked quite worried.

I then came to the realization that I had another episode, a _heavy_ one.

“Jojo? Thank god you're okay,” Penelope sighed, throwing her arms around me in a tight embrace.

I let myself go completely. I held her tightly, like I hadn't done before, and buried my face in her neck. Her shirt became wet by my tears.

After what felt like an eternity, we pulled away from each other. She reached out for my face and gently wiped away my tears. I just stared at her, feeling all sorts of things flowing through my body. She then took my hand, helped me stand up and motioned for me to follow her.

We walked through a few hallways, her hand was on my back as she guided us towards her room. When I entered the room, I sat down on her bed.

After closing the door behind her, Penelope sat down beside me as she placed the oxygen tank right next to her bed.

I slowly looked up at her, my eyes went from her lips, to the tubes coming out of her nose, to her beautiful, mesmerizing eyes. I wanted to say something, but fell silent. “I...”

She met my eyes, smiling shyly as she looked down. I noticed her hand slowly reaching out to my face, meeting her eyes in the process. I was confused as to what she was going to do. Her fingertips grazed over the side of my face, moving themselves to my hair as she pushed a strand behind my ear.

I had to hold myself together, trying not to just give in and do what she told me was a mistake before.

But before I could even do something, her hands were back to herself and she crossed her legs on the bed, looking at me with a soft smile. “Are you feeling any better?”

I returned the smile, rather awkward. “Yeah... I guess I had an episode. I'm sorry you had to witness that.”

She cocked an eyebrow at me. “Are you serious? Like... really? These things happen, Josie. It's part of _life_ , especially here. So, don't ever feel ashamed.”

“Thank you,” I spoke honestly, looking away in the process. I looked at the wall, which was covered with a few polaroids. On one, I recognized someone, it was a woman I'd seen before. She had an arm around Penelope as they both smiled brightly. I suddenly realized who the woman was.

Penelope's mother.

“Do you see her often?” I asked her, pointing at the polaroid.

Penelope looked over at what I was referring to and then shrugged. “Every once in like two weeks? I think. I miss her, though.”

“I bet you do,” I responded, flashing her a sad smile.

“Yeah...” Penelope trailed off. “She'll like you.”

I chuckled at that. “Me? Really?”

She nodded happily. “Definitely.”

I raised an eyebrow at her. “What makes you think I'll meet her?”

Penelope shrugged at me, coughing a little before answering. “Because I uh... I feel like I'll introduce you to her soon.”

Right... but wasn't it all a mistake? _Us_?

“Yeah sure... something like ' _hey mom, here is Josie. She's a mistake_ ’,” I blurted out, leaving Penelope in disbelief.

She sighed deeply and buried her face in her hands. It took her a while before she looked up again, her eyes seemed a little watery and I was afraid I said something unbelievably stupid.

“You know, Josie? Sometimes I'm just too straight forward... but that's part of who I am. I'm sorry if I hurt you with it, I didn't mean to. It's just.. I... Today is a really tough day for me and it feels wrong to have feelings for someone, while today's a year since the girl I loved passed away. It just feels _wrong_.”

“I understand,” I softly spoke, reaching out for her hand in the process. I took it in my own and gently stroked her hand with my thumb.

“Maybe soon,” she whispered, her face was extremely close to me as she spoke the words.

I felt a lump in my throat as I met her eyes. They looked so hurt, but truthful.

“Maybe,” I breathed out.

But the truth was that ‘ _maybe’_ probably wouldn't happen. Penelope only had two months left, would she really waste the time she had left on _me_?

She definitely wouldn't.

And so, I excused myself, stood up and made my way to the door. “I'm just uh, heading back. I'll see you tomorrow.”

Penelope nodded in response. “Of course. I'll see you tomorrow.”

Before I could close the door, I heard her voice again. “And Josie?”

“Huh?” I asked her.

She ran a hand through her hair and spoke up, “Thank you for being here.”

The words sent butterflies through my whole body. How in the hell was I supposed to repress feelings that were _so_ strong?

I just knew I couldn't.

But instead of sharing my feelings, I decided to just smile at her and answer before closing the door. “Always.”

That was what I was going to do. I'd be there for her until she'd draw her last breath, and even after. The truth was that I'd do anything for her.

Anything to make her last few weeks bearable.

My feet dragged me back to my room. I was surprised that Hope was nowhere to be seen. I stumbled towards my bed, climbed on top and let myself fall down. No matter how exhausted I was, I couldn’t close my eyes. I was scared of reliving that particular moment, I was scared of what it’d do to me.

I stared at the ceiling, then at the door, then back at the ceiling. Truth was, I didn’t really know what to do. My thoughts wandered off to Penelope once again.

I had feelings for her. _Strong_ feelings. But realistically seen, I also knew that even if she reciprocated those feelings anytime soon… we wouldn’t have that much time together. God, she’d only have a few weeks left to live. I was afraid of losing her, I was afraid of, once again, losing someone I cared deeply for.

But what if I couldn’t repress those feelings? What if I’d just give in? What if I was going to _love_ someone, only to _lose_ them right after? I couldn’t give an answer to those questions. Penelope Park just made everything _so_ hard. She was intriguing, smart, beautiful in her own unique way, she was special… at least she was to me.

I knew I had to make a choice. Let her go now, or dive in to the unknown and just give in to my feelings, hoping for a miracle that’d save her.

I skipped dinner that evening. I didn’t want to face anyone and just read a book instead, hoping it’d keep me awake.

But it didn’t. 

I gave in to my exhaustion, felt the book fall onto my stomach and saw the darkness as I closed my eyes. I didn’t even notice Hope walking in a few moments later. I drifted off into the world of nightmares again, but also knew that night would push a new day. A new day wherein I’d have to think about making a choice. Deep down I’d already made the choice, a choice that carried lots of consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! this chapter was hard to write, I couldn't quite find the inspiration nor energy to write... it's a returning problem which makes it all very difficult, but I'm trying my best to come up with something. thank you all for your patience, kind comments and for loving the story. suggestions are always welcome. until the next one x


	11. hold on

Days passed. I hadn't seen Penelope around those days, not even  _once_.

At first I let it go. Maybe she just wasn't in the mood to face anyone, or maybe she just didn't have the energy to. But as more days went by, I started to worry about her, and that surely wasn't a good thing.

I was scared that _I_  was the reason why she skipped everything; class, group, breakfast, movie nights and dinner. It's why I didn't dare to check her room. Ethan had told me she was okay, but then why did she hide?

It was Friday now. Almost a week had passed and I was worried sick when I,  _again,_  didn't see Penelope at breakfast. I was quiet at breakfast, silently ate my muesli and left right after.

My feet couldn't help but drag me towards that one particular hallway, with that one particular room. As quietly as I could be, I tiptoed past the room, hoping she wouldn't notice me. Or did I?

Just when I thought I was safe, I heard her voice call out that familiar name again, as she always did.  _God_ , we needed to stop meeting up like this.

"Ethan?"

Her voice sounded hoarse. A few coughs left her body before she spoke up again as I just stood there frozen. "Can you come in?"

I sighed deeply, slapped myself right in my face and turned around. It only took me a few steps to open the door and stand in the doorway.

There she was. She sat upright against the headboard, looking extremely startled as she saw me standing there. And honestly, I felt the same way.

"I..." I started, but couldn't get any more words out.

"You..." Penelope half whispered, looking at me with a cocked eyebrow.

"Uh..." I said, running a hand through my hair. "How are you?"

Yeah, right at that moment she started coughing again. Badly.

When she seemed to have recovered from the coughing attack, she shrugged at me. "Shit."

I nodded at that, closing the door behind me and taking a few steps towards her bed. I pointed at the end of it and Penelope motioned for me to sit down. And so, I did.

"Wanna talk about it?" I asked her, flashing her a saddened smile.

My eyes wandered over her face. Sometimes I forgot that she had those tubes coming out of her nose, just because I'd admire all those other features. She looked beautiful, as she always did, but I did see the exhaustion and the lack of energy in her stare.

She shook her head at my question. "No. I want to talk about you."

That sentence alone made the butterflies flow through my whole body. I wasn't kidding by saying I felt it from the tip of my toe to the top of my head. It was crazy,  _crazy_  what she did to me.

"M-Me?" I eventually managed to get out.

"Yeah," she chuckled at me. "I want to know more about _you_. Like... what's your favourite colour?"

I laughed at that. "We're really doing this? Well... if you get to ask questions, then so do I. And yellow, it's yellow."

She nodded, a grin on her face as she did. "Seems fair. Yellow, huh? It's such a pretty colour...and  ask away, Jojo."

That freaking nickname. I just couldn't help but smile whenever she said it. A question,  _right_. "What do you think comes after death?"

I noticed how Penelope had to repress herself from bursting in laughter. "How did we go from a favourite colour to this? I- Well... I guess it's just a big fucking giant world of darkness. Like we go from having everything to nothing. All those colours, the humans, the nature, it'll all be gone. Death is just nothing.  _Nothing_. But anyway, do you believe in a higher being?"

I wasn't even recovered from the answer she gave to my question. Would it all really just be nothing? Is that what death was? I eventually came back to reality. "I guess there is something, I just don't know what... I really don't know."

"I think we won't ever know," she interrupted, taking a deep sigh after. "Are you scared of death?"

"Hey, it's my turn," I playfully scoffed at her.

She playfully shook her head. "Nope. No. I don't care."

"Fine," I scoffed again. "Yes, yes I am. Are  _you_?"

I suddenly realized that this might not have been the best thing to ask. Penelope looked at me, but her expression immediately changed after I shot back the question at her. She looked sad, vulnerable...  _frightened._

I didn't know what to say other than two words. "I-I... I'm so-"

"You know what, Josie? I'm so _fucking_  scared. As it's coming closer I can't stop thinking about it. Yes, we all... we all die someday, but to experience it in your own being is so frightening. I'm genuinely afraid of it. What if it really is nothing? What if that's all there is? Just darkness, a-and nothing else? What if I don't get to watch from up above, or beside, how you grow into such a beautiful woman? What if I don't get to see those emotional but heart touching speeches at my funeral? I want to see it, so badly. I want to be able to be at peace, to know that people will heal from it, to know that people close by me keep on  _living_. A-and Josie, I want to know if you find the love you deserve, because I'd die with the deepest regret if you'd live on, mourning me and never getting over the feelings we have for each other. I-It's why I don't want you closer, it's why I can't let you get any closer. Because what if you decide you can't live with such a burden and end up like Olivia? End up like me? Dead, in this giant black hole full of nothing. Everyday I'm praying for a miracle to happen. So I could just give in to my feelings and I could... I could let myself fall for someone again. I could fall in love, I could kiss you whenever I'd want to, tell you how beautiful you are, how I don't deserve you... I could lay here with you all day, your face being the last thing I see at night and the first thing I wake up to in the morning. But I fucking can't, because death is following me. I fucking can't and it frightens me so much."

By the time she'd spoken those words, we both sat there with tears rolling down our faces. I had my hand covering my mouth as the sobs left my body. I was so _hurt_ , I didn't even know how or why, but I just felt hurt. The honesty in her words just made my heart shatter into millions of pieces over and over again. She didn't want to give in to her feelings, because she was dying, because she was scared of what it'd do to me. All of this, to protect me?

Somewhere it touched my heart in a good way, knowing that she wanted to protect my soul in this way. But if our feelings for each other were this strong, then why didn't we just give in and forget about the consequences?

"Jojo?"

Her voice shook me out of my thoughts. I looked up at her as I felt the tears and saw them on her face too.

"Sorry," I sniffed, avoiding to meet her eyes. "I-It's just a lot to take in..."

"I know," I heard her sigh. Moments later in felt her hand reach out to mine. She quietly intertwined our fingers and I just dumdfoundedly stared at it, hearing her whisper those words again. "I  _know_."

I shook my head as the realization sank in and removed my hand from hers. I buried my face in my hands as I cried and cried. "T-This can't be ha-happening."

I felt her softly rub my back with one of her hands as I just kept on crying, avoiding every attempt of hers to get me to look at her.

"Josie, please. I  _never_  meant to hurt you."

I removed my hands from my face and saw her sitting right beside me in the corner of my eye. I knew that if I looked her right in the eyes right now, we'd only be a few inches apart.

But I still did it.

And god, she was so beautiful. Her eyes radiated confusion, pain and worry. I honestly just wanted to forget about everything for a moment. I wanted to give in to my feelings  _so_  bad.

Her expression went more confused as the seconds passed, but I just stared at her. My eyes went from her lips, to her eyes and back at her lips again.

_Fuck it._

I placed my hands on each side of her face and pulled her closer as I closed the gap between our lips. I felt how my lips trembled as they met hers. I let myself go completely and after a few seconds of confusion, I finally felt her give in too.

The kiss was so pure, so honest... so magical. I felt as if it would never end. Truth was, I didn't ever want it to end. Because if it ended, we'd be met with reality again.

She let a hand wander through my hair as the kiss deepened and she pulled me closer. We parted for air and I felt her breath on my lips as she whispered, "I don't want this to end."

I closed my eyes at that and felt her forehead touch mine before I answered, "It doesn't have to."

My eyes opened right then and I stared right into hers as a tear fell down her face again. Her lips trembled as she spoke, "Y-You know it has to."

I pulled away, shaking my head as I stared at the wall in front of me. "I can deal with the consequences, Penelope. Why can't we just make the most of the time we have left together?"

She sighed deeply. "I told you... it's to protect you."

Anger filled up my body and I stood up, pointing a finger at her. "You say you want to protect me from the consequences, but yet here you are, kissing me back, right? I'm done playing games, Penelope. Either you want me or you don't... I don't care about what happens after, why can't we just live in the moment, enjoy this, make each other  _happy_?"

She sat there completely dumbfounded, trying to find the words. "I do  _want_  you, Josie. It's just hard for me knowing I'll be dead in less than two months and I'm trying to protect you and myself from our feelings, but you keep on doing things like these... it's fucking confusing."

"But you want it too, don't you?" I shot back at her, completely overtaken by confusion and anger.

"I-I... I don't know, Josie. Isn't this what we should've avoided?" she asked, unsure of what to do.

I just looked at her. I was in panic, I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do with my feelings. I just didn't know.

I kept on staring with that empty look on my face. It was exactly what I felt right now, empty, nothing, a fucking black hole inside of me.

"Jojo?" I heard her ask softly. "Jo, are you okay?"

But I just stared. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't do  _anything_.

"Hey, Josie? Talk to me."

She walked up to me. Grabbed both my hands and guided me towards her bed, where she softly sat me down.

I still was in this trance of emptiness.

She crouched down in front of me, still holding on to both my hands as she looked at me worriedly. "Can you talk to me?"

But I was stuck. It was like the words just slipped past me. It was like the words didn't enter my brain, like I couldn't react to anything.

I just felt nothing.

"Josie, you're scaring me. Like,  _really_  scaring me."

And suddenly, I felt everything. It overwhelmed me. It overwhelmed me so much that I pushed her away from me.

"Don't touch me. Don't touch me.  _Don't_."

She dropped down on the floor and looked at me as if she was scared of me.

And that thought scared  _me_.

I stood up and began walking circles in the room. I crouched down, placing my hands over my ears and let out a loud scream. I let everything out, it was like I let it all go. 

Right after, the exhaustion took over, I fell down on the floor as tears rolled down my cheeks. Penelope stumbled towards me, grabbed me by my shoulders and began to shake my body back and forth.  
  
I lost sight, her voice faded away and I drifted off into the darkness.

\----

My eyes opened to the sound of familiar voices talking. I blinked a few times as my sight got better and the persons came into my vision.

Hope, Penelope and Ethan.

They all stood there by the door, talking intensely as me waking up went unnoticed by them.

"What's going on?" I asked them and all three of them immediately turned their gazes towards me.

Ethan clapped in his hands. "Good! You're awake."

"Yeah," I felt myself yawn. "What happened?"

He walked a little closer and crouched down in front of me. "You passed out. I think it might had to do with your blood sugar levels... but Penelope thinks it all just got too much. Anyway, it’s good to have you back. How are you feeling?"

I shrugged at that and stole some glances at Hope and Penelope before answering the question, "A little lightheaded... other than that I guess I'm fine. Wait... how long was I out?"

Penelope spoke up from beside Hope. "An hour or two."

"We've literally been here for two hours, waiting for you to wake up," Hope then said, flashing me a soft smile.

"Yes," Ethan started. "It's a good thing we kept you here, it's all fine now."

I decided to sit up and looked around me. Those fucking quotes on the wall. Yeah, this was  _definitely_  Hope and I's room.

I rubbed my eyes as Ethan stood up. "You okay to get to group?"

I shrugged at that. "Yeah, sure. When does it start?"

"In five minutes or so," he answered, pointing at Hope and Penelope. "They'll be there too and I'm your counsellor for today's session."

I saw Penelope holding up her hands and taking a few steps forward. "Whoah, no. I'm  _not_  gonna be there."

Ethan turned around and sighed. "Penelope, we've talked about this. You can't hide from everyone forever, this will be good for you."

"Sure," Penelope scoffed at him, shaking her head. "Is the psycho gonna be there too?"

"Penelope..." Ethan sighed again. "You can't talk about other patients like that. And yes, she'll be there too, right Hope?"

"Yep," Hope confirmed, gaining a glare from Penelope.

"Well, that should be fun," I said a little too loud, so everyone could hear. Three pairs of eyes stared at me and I cocked an eyebrow at them. "What?"

They all shook their heads as Ethan walked towards the door and opened it, turning around in the doorway to face us. "See you three in five minutes."

He then closed the door behind him and left.

Penelope immediately walked up towards me and threw her arms around me in an embrace. I was startled at first, but then put my arms around her as I heard her whisper, "Thank god you're okay."

We held each other for what felt like hours, until Hope made her presence known. “I uh… I don’t mean to interrupt but shouldn’t we head to group?”

Moments later, we did. Everyone was already seated in the circle and Penelope, Hope and I occupied the three chairs that were left. From across me I could feel my sister’s stare burn right through me. I decided to just ignore it, focusing on what Ethan was saying.

“Today’s all about compliments. You all get to give  _one_  compliment to anyone here in this group. Doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, or someone you barely know, just give someone a compliment.”

Kaleb scoffed. “That’s stupid.”

Ethan held his hands up in defense. “Sorry to disappoint you, Emma told me to do this with you guys. And oh yeah, there’s one rule, you can’t give a compliment to someone who’s already received one. Are you ready?”

When it was silent, Ethan sighed before continuing. “The enthusiasm. Ehm, we’ll just start with…”

He pointed at MG. “Milton. It goes like this, you give someone a compliment, the person who receives the compliment gets to give the next compliment and so on. You get it?”

MG hung back in his chair, sighing as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, fine.” He averted his gaze over to Kaleb. “Although you’re a pain in the ass, I think you can sing really well. Like really, dude, go on to some sing competition.”

Kaleb put a hand over his heart at the words. “Thanks, man.” He pointed his finger at Jed. “Bro, you have a damn good heart.”

Everyone laughed at how those words left Kaleb’s mouth. When Jed was recovered from laughing he held a thumbs up at Kaleb before looking over at Noa. “You know… it’s always like this group is divided into two, but you seem to get along with everyone here, so respect for that.”

_Yeah, everyone but Penelope._

“Thanks, Jed.”

And suddenly her eyes were on me. I was scared, even though this could only be something positive… she  _had_ to give a compliment, right? “For a newbie you’ve been adjusting to everything here really fast. I admire that.”

I guess that was a good compliment. “Thanks Noa,” I told her, avoiding to meet her gaze. I looked over at Ella and blurted out the words. “I guess compliments are also for one’s appearance, so I just want to say that you’re beautiful.”

I met her eyes as I spoke the words and noticed how they lit up when she realized what I had said. The dark skinned girl flashed me a soft, grateful smile. “Thank you, Josie.”

It was awfully quiet after that as Ella tried to think of who to give a compliment. She smiled as her eyes met Penelope’s. “From day one you’ve been my rock here. Thank you for putting up with me and for sticking around. You’re often called selfish here, but to me you’re far from that. You have a heart of gold, thank you for using it when you’re with me.”

“Aww,” I heard Penelope say from next to me, wiping away a fake tear. “Ella you’re gonna make me cry.”

“See… this is how good friendship is for us here. We need to stop competing against each other and just be kind to one another. Things like this are way better than all those fights, right?” Ethan spoke to all of us.

But it was silent again. You know, the cricket silence.

Penelope coughed before interrupting the silence with her voice. “Should I just continue then?”

Ethan gave her a look that said  _‘yes, save me._ ’

And so, Penelope Park continued. Everyone held their breaths as they saw who her eyes landed on. I even tensed up right beside her, hoping that this would end well, but deep down I knew that anything between these two would go wrong.

“Lizzie,” Penelope fake smiled at my sister. “I uh… I like your… hair?”

And yes, my sister  _obviously_  took that the wrong way. “Are you acting like you’re stupid or are you just stupid?”

Penelope held up a finger and opened her mouth, although it took her a few seconds to come up with an answer. “I guess I’m just stupid, thanks for the compliment, by the way.”

“Oh just fuck off already,” my sister scoffed at her, becoming extremely irritated.

What Penelope then said, was something she shouldn’t have done. “You mad because I’m seeing your sister?”

Lizzie immediately looked at me, then at Penelope and then back at me as I saw the anger boiling up inside of her. “Is that true?”

I didn’t know what to say, I was completely frozen. “I…”

Lizzie stood up angrily and made her way over to Penelope who had also stood up from her chair. Before Ethan could do something about it, my sister pushed Penelope backwards. The chair behind her fell down and Penelope almost tripped over it, but found the balance to stand still.

“I told you to stay away from her!”

Penelope held her hands up in defense. “You never told me… I think you told your  _sister_.”

Lizzie began pushing Penelope further and further, so hard that I thought she might have even hurt Penelope. “I hate you. I hate you  _so much_.”

Ethan then finally stepped in between them and grabbed Lizzie by her shoulder, using his other hand to keep Penelope behind him. “You’re coming with me, Lizzie.”

As he walked away, holding on to Lizzie’s arm, he pointed a finger at Penelope. “We’re gonna talk about this later on. This is unacceptable behaviour, yeah?” He then averted his gaze towards the rest of the group. “You can all go to your rooms now, group’s over.”

We all sat there, all eyes were on Penelope. I met her eyes, they looked scared and I wondered why. But honestly, all I could think about was how my sister and Penelope would never get along. They’d always hate each other, something always had to happen between them and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

So instead of giving Penelope the attention she wanted, I left the group room and went to my own room, hiding myself from all the shit that was happening around me. Because really, would things ever get better?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last night i woke up with tons of inspiration and this chapter is the outcome. quick, huh? i hope you all enjoy this one!! until the next one (:  
> 5/7/19: for anyone reading this and wondering when the next chapter will come... I'm having a hard time finding the inspiration and energy again, it might take a while, but i promise i'm working on it. it'll be here soon x


	12. "and what is fear, when no one knows, what comes next?"

**_Penelope’s P.O.V._ **

I sat next to my mother in the waiting room, slowly losing our patience as we sat there. Today was a day full of tests and scans to see if my cystic fibrosis had worsened or not. Doctor Henry was the one who always discussed the results with us, but for now, he was nowhere to be seen.

I tapped my foot impatiently and saw my mom looking at me with a worried stare. “You okay, sweetie?”

I stared right ahead of me and scoffed, “How can you ask me that when Dr. Henry is probably gonna tell us that my CF has _worsened_?”

My mother still had that same look covering her face. “You don’t know that, Penelope. Maybe he has good news…”

“Yeah sure, mom.”   
  
I laughed in disbelief and my mother didn’t dare to say anything anymore.

After another ten minutes of waiting, a nurse finally came up to us. “Miss. Park?”

“That would be me,” I sighed, feeling my breathing become worse again as I stood up. I coughed a few times, not that it helped, but I just had to. I then followed my mother and the nurse to some room where Dr. Henry would see us.

The nurse pointed at the chairs. “You can sit there, Dr. Henry will be with you in a minute or five.”

My mom and I waited in silence and after a few minutes a tall man, with round glasses and short dark hair, whom I knew as Dr. Henry, walked in.

He first shook my hand before shaking my mother’s. “Hi.”

We all sat down, he was behind the desk and computer and we sat in front of him. He took of his glasses and started talking, the glasses in his right hand. “I’m not going to make this any longer than it has to be… but your lungs have deteriorated.”

_Great_ , just as expected. Only a fucking miracle could save me from dying in a few weeks.

“Look,” he said, turning the computer screen to my mother and I, and pointing at a photo of my lungs. “This is a shot from the CT-scan. As you can see here, more thick mucus has made its way into your lungs. On top of that you can see how your lungs have no resistance against it anymore, making it really tough for your lungs to even function. ” He then showed the next shot from the CT-scan; my liver and pancreas. “You can see a few dark spots on both organs… it means the CF is affecting your liver and pancreas too.”

“And by her lungs deteriorating… does it give her less time?” my mom piped in, sadness overflowing her words.

Doctor Henry was unsure of what to say but eventually nodded in response. “We’re afraid so, yes.”

It felt like the entire ground gave out from beneath me. Like everything got taken into a giant black hole, like that was all my life was. I had less than two months left… that was a fact. And that fact? It scared the fuck out of me.

I said nothing, I didn’t know _what_ to say. Yes, I knew this was a possibility and I had seen it coming, but for it to become reality, was something I couldn’t prepare myself for. I stared right ahead of me, emptiness flowed through me as I sat there, seeing the doctor’s mouth move but not hearing anything.

The words slowly came back to me and I switched glances between the doctor and my mother as they were talking. “Miss. Park, we’ve done everything we could to get Penelope a new lung. Truth is there’s a shortage of organ donors and any new donors are practically wonders. The waiting list in immensely long and we can’t favour someone over the others.”

My mother held up her hands and shook her head. “So, that’s it? I’m losing my daughter in a few weeks?”

“I’m sorry ma’am,” Doctor Henry sighed, flashing her a sad smile.

“That’s what you always say, until your next patience dies and you _wish_ you had done more,” my mother shot back, standing up angrily and leaving the room.

I pointed at the door, ready to stand up. "I think I'd better go after her."

Doctor Henry nodded at that but motioned for me to wait. "I planned in another appointment for next week. If anything changes on the waiting list, I'll contact you. And if your condition worsens, contact me. Okay?"

"Yes, got it," I said, standing up and shaking his hand before saying goodbye and leaving the room, wondering where the hell my mother would be.

When she was nowhere to be seen, I decided to get my phone and call her. I first opened a text from Josie though.

**josie (12:47 pm):** _hey pen. i missed you at breakfast today, everything good?_

I sighed at that, unsure of whether to text back or not. I ended up not doing it and called my mother instead. After a few rings, she finally picked up.

"Mom? Where the hell are you?"

_"I'm outside, hun. I just needed to get some air after hearing the bad news. You can find me just outside the building."_

"Okay, mom. I'm on my way. See you."

I ended the call and made my way through the hallways of the hospital. After minutes of wandering through the giant building, I finally found the exit.

I felt my breath moving unsteady as my oxygen tank trailed behind me. I puffed deeply when I had finally found my mother, standing right around the corner.

"There you are," I sighed, running a hand through my hair as I leaned against the wall behind us.

She tried to wipe away the tears that were still there and chuckled lightly. "Yeah, sorry. I just couldn't stand it."

"Come here." I motioned for her to come to me and put my arms around her in a tight embrace. I had missed this. Us. Mother and daughter. Maybe this wasn't the right timing to suddenly deep into this, but I wanted my mother to know how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.

"I'm so grateful for you, mom. I really am," I whispered, hearing her silently sob into my shoulder as I spoke the words.

And so we stood there, embracing each other tightly, wondering if this would be the last one.

\------

After I said goodbye to my mom, I went back to Westport. I skipped class, dinner and any social contact the rest of the day. 

I sat on my bed, my back against the wall, playing with the phone in my hands. After moments of doubting it, I finally found myself texting Josie back.

**(7:51 pm):** _hey jojo. sorry i'm late. can you stop by my room? i need to tell you something._

After I sent the text, it took only a few seconds before I received a text back from her.

**josie (7:52 pm):** _okay. i hope you're doing fine. be there in ten_

I waited and waited, the ten minutes going by dreading slow. That was until I heard a knock on the door.

"Come in," I spoke up, feeling the corners of my mouth go up a little as I saw Josie walking in.

I patted on my bed, motioning for her to sit down right beside me. Well actually... she sat down right in front of me.

She crossed her legs and then looked up at me, quite worried. And yeah, she was right to be.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked me softly, reaching over to grab my hand in hers.

I felt tears coming up. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want her to know how much it hurt me. But I couldn't stop it.

As the tears rolled down my face, Josie's expression became even more worried.

She reached over to wipe away my tears and I closed my eyes underneath the touch. Before she could remove her hand from my face, I placed my own on top of hers.

I opened my eyes, only to be met with her worried ones again. How was I supposed to tell her the bad news?

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

As we let our hands fall from my face, she just grabbed mine in her own again and gave it a little squeeze. It felt as if she was telling me it was okay.

"My condition has worsened," I suddenly blurted out, sighing deeply after I spoke the words.

She looked away from me and shook her head. "This can't be happening."

I knew it wasn't the right moment, but still decided to continue. "I'm seeing my doctor again next week. If nothing has changed, they'll probably hospitalize me and take care of me before I p-"

" _Don't_ ," she gritted through her teeth as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Don't finish that sentence."

I felt myself becoming slightly panicked as I noticed how upset she got by the news I told her. I squeezed the hand that was still holding on to my own and tried to comfort her.

_Bad luck._

She removed her hand from mine and looked me straight in the eyes. "And what am I supposed to do now? Watch you die?"

"Josie I-"

"No," she sniffed. "I can't do it. I was starting to care for you in a way that I hadn't cared for anyone _ever_ before. I was starting to feel a deep connection towards you, one that felt unique, strong and beautiful. One that gave me feelings I'd never felt before. God, Penelope I'm starting to fall in love with you and you're fucking _dying_. How am I supposed to live with that?"

"I-I... I don't know..." I tried as honest as I could be. Truth was, I _really_ didn't know.

Then the realization hit me. _This_ was what I was trying to prevent. I wanted to protect her soul, protect her from falling for me, getting closer and closer to me, to eventually lose me, not knowing if she'd ever overcome my death. I wanted to protect her from ending up like Olivia.

I knew that if I'd start about this now, she'd only become more upset with me. So I decided not to do it.

But then her expression changed. "Really? You're not saying anything? You know what? Fucking forget it."

She made her way to stand up, but I reached out to grab her arm. I didn't want her to leave like this, I didn't want her to feel like this, I just wanted to comfort her. That's all I wanted to do right now.

"Please," I begged her and she turned to me again as I still held onto her arm. " _Please_ don't leave."

"Isn't that what you're going to do to me?" she spat back angrily.

" _Josie..._ " I started, but got cut off again.

"I should've known that miracles only exist in movies," she sighed, removing my hand from her arm and using her hand to move it over her face. "It was too good to be true; thinking you'd become better and we'd live happily ever after."

"I-I'm so sorry," I whispered, not even sure if the words were loud enough to even hear.

She said nothing, just stood there, silently staring at me.

I then asked her something. Maybe it was something we'd regret later, maybe she'd be even more upset with me after, but I needed this. And I knew she needed it too.

I reached out for her hand and pulled her somewhat closer. "Will you please lay with me? Just... just for tonight?"

She looked at me full of confusion, but slowly, her expression changed into one full of love and care and she gave in to my question.

I moved to make some space for her and shoved the tubes from my oxygen tank behind my pillow.

Josie went to lay down beside me. For a while, we just lied there. Silently, longingly, patiently.

We stared into each other’s eyes as if we were trying to read each other’s minds. I couldn't help but feel the corners of my mouth go up a little as we just kept on staring at each other.

Right then I felt her touch on my skin. Her fingertips softly brushed over my arm and they slowly moved up and down.

Her eyes went from my eyes to my nose and I suddenly realized she was staring at those damn tubes coming out of them.

I closed my eyes and sighed, feeling disgusted when I thought of it. "It's ugly."

"No," I heard her whisper. "It's part of you."

"A part I'd rather lose..." I opened my eyes again and something came up in my mind. What if I'd show her my face... without those things?

She looked at me in confusion as my fingers touched the tubes. After a bit of struggling, I finally was able to remove them from my nose.

Josie was about to gasp, but I placed my hand on her mouth, chuckling lightly. "It's okay. I can do a short amount of time without them."

As I removed my hand from her mouth, her eyes gazed over my entire face. It was like she took in all my features... something about that made me feel slightly insecure. The serious look on her face didn't help _at all_.

"What is it?" I asked her with a whisper.

She then spoke two words. Two words that were enough to drive me crazy. "You're beautiful."

But instead of shyly looking away like I'd often do when I got compliments like these, I reached out to her face and softly pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, my fingertips resting on the side of her face after I did so.

It became silent again. I could hear the sound of a person walking past my room, the raindrops that fell on the building, the way the girl beside me breathed.

Her voice shook me out of my thoughts though. "Do you sometimes feel... lonely? Because I do, every single fucking day."

I processed her question, thinking of an answer. Yes, I felt lonely, more lonely than anyone would think. And so, I answered her question. "You're not alone in that. It's like we have people surrounding us but we're alone in our heads, alone with our thoughts, alone with our feelings... alone with ourselves. Sometimes I wonder why we have to face this lonesomeness. No one sees the world from your own point of view, you know? It often makes me feel scared. So yeah, I do feel lonely."

"Whoa," she breathed out. "You described exactly how I feel.

I chuckled at that, "I know. I think lots of people who think into depth about life feel like this."

She nodded and flashed me a small smile before coming up with another question. "So Ella... you know, that pretty girl who you're always with and sits with you at lunch and stuff..."

"I know who Ella is, Josie." I let out a loud laugh and moments later heard her beautiful laugh too.

"Shh," she said, recovering from the laughter. "How long have you known her?"

I tried to recall when the first time was we met, what brought us together and why we always stuck together. I decided to share it with Josie. "Well actually, Ella and I both got in on the first day Westport opened, along with like eighteen other patients. A few of them are still here, others were transferred to another facility, a few got better and eventually went home and some... passed away."

Her fingertips brushed over my skin again and I felt her comfort. I continued, "Anyways, first day of class came along and she sat next to me, it's when we started talking and realized we actually shared so many similar interests. As time went on we'd often skip class or group sessions to just talk and be with each other. It all felt so comfortable and I don't know... she's just become an amazing friend. She’s been there for me through everything, literally _everything_. Two years of a beautiful friendship already." The realization then hit me. "And it probably won't become more..."

I felt Josie's hand search for mine, I looked at her when she'd found it and intertwined her fingers with mine. I said nothing, but she did. "Look... I know I can't change things, I know there's the slightest chance you'll get a new lung in time, but we _have_ to hold on to the possibility. _You_ have to hold on to that possibility."

I had an instant answer ready. "I don't know if I can, Jojo..."

"That's why I'm here," she whispered to me with the most comforting smile I'd ever seen her give. I felt her squeeze my hand before continuing, "Why don't we just talk about something else?"

I nodded at that, feeling a tear slip away from my eyes. Josie seemed to notice, because the second the tear fell, she removed her hand from mine and wiped it away.

I chuckled lightly at that. "You're one of a kind, you know."

"You make me be that way," she smiled at me. "Do we have like a day pass here or something?"

I looked at her in confusion as I answered the question. "Yeah... it's like once in three months we get to use it. Why?"

She had a small grin on her face as she spoke, "Well maybe... we could do something fun one of these days, right?"

I felt myself completely lighten up at her suggestion. "That would be _so_ amazing."

"Okay then, it'll be a surprise for you."

"A surprise? No, come on... I hate surprises."

She had that stupid grin plastered on her face again. "That's why it's going to be a surprise."

I playfully rolled my eyes at her. She was too much. "You're lucky I like you."

She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. I closed my eyes underneath the touch and was met with – once I opened my eyes again - the most precious smile I'd ever seen of her.

Suddenly I noticed how breathing became harder for me. I felt the stickiness in my lungs, felt the horrible coughs coming up again and I knew that if I didn't act on it now, things wouldn't turn out to be okay.

I went to lay on my back and began coughing badly. I sat upright as the coughing only became worse and worse. It was until I noticed blood coming out of my mouth that I really started to get scared.

Josie sat upright too and looked at me with a worried expression. I quickly grabbed the tubes of my oxygen tank from behind the pillow and stuck them to my nose.

It took a few seconds before I felt it working again. I had become completely exhausted in the few seconds it took for me to get that fucking oxygen tank.

My coughing didn't stop though, blood kept on coming as I felt Josie softly rub my back. Moments later she got a few tissues from my nightstand and wiped away the blood from my mouth.

The exhaustion then took over my body and I dropped down on my pillow, feeling my eyes close immediately as my face touched the soft fabric.

I got myself to open my eyes up a little and pushed the words out of my mouth. "Maybe it's better if you go. I-I... I don't want you to see me like this."

She still sat upright and looked down at me, flashing me a sad smile and shaking her head. "No. You're stuck with me, Penelope Park. I'm not leaving your side."

I sighed deeply in response and watched, but what she did next, was way too fucking unexpected.

She took of her jeans and lifted the t-shirt she was wearing over her head. She folded the clothes and put them on the chair in the corner of my room.

She walked up to my drawer in just a top and underwear, and grabbed a long band t-shirt out of it as I just watched in awe.

She turned to me and showed me the shirt. "Can I wear it?"

Completely dumfounded, but exhausted, I responded. "Uh yeah, sure."

She put on the t-shirt, as it fell to just above her knees. It looked so casual, yet so beautiful.

My coughing had finally stopped as she walked towards the bed, held up the covers and went to lie down right next to me.

I could barely keep my eyes open but my thoughts were one giant mess, full of thoughts wondering how the hell I got her to spend the night with me.

It made me feel whole. It made me feel like I wasn't alone, like she'd always be there. Those feelings were special to me.

She turned around to face me. I had only one eye opened by then and saw a small smile on her face as she looked at me. Seconds later, even though those ugly tubes were inside of my nose, I felt how she captured my lips into a tender, soft kiss.

I heard her say something, heard her steady breathing and felt her arm draped over my body. But every sound, every feeling, it all faded away.

_"I adore you, goodnight Penelope."_

I wasn't quite sure if I was dreaming when I heard the words, but they were enough to make me feel safe that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY. here's the chapter i've been working on for ages. i'm sorry the waiting had to be so long, but i still hope you will all enjoy it. where would you like to see josie and penelope go when they get a day pass? suggestions are welcome! until the next chapter (:


	13. not today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haaaaaallo i'm back. this will be a quite sad chapter but the next one is going to be all about the daypass. thanks for your suggestions, kudos and other comments. i'm doing alright for anyone questioning, just having it tough finding the inspiration. i recommend listening to 'not today' by imagine dragons while reading this chapter. thanks for all the support!!! btw if anyone wants to follow me, here's my twitter user: @reyeskeiy

_****Josie's p.o.v** ** _

It was right after breakfast when I wandered through the hallways of Westport. Penelope was nowhere to be seen, so she must've stayed in her room. I wondered how she was doing and if I'd be able to see her today...

Right then, Ethan passed me, greeting me with a smile as he walked past me. I turned around and called after him. "Ethan?"

He stopped in his tracks and turned to me, questioningly raising an eyebrow at me. "Yes?"

I ran a hand through my hair as I responded. "I had a question about the uh... daypass."

He nodded at me and motioned for me to follow him. "Come with me."

I followed behind him as we walked through a few hallways, coming to a stop in front of a door. Ethan unlocked the door with a card and held the door open for me. There were a few chairs, a desk with a computer on it and a small table standing in between the chairs, tissues on top of it. It felt like some sort of therapy session room to me.

Ethan sat down behind the computer and pointed at the other side of the desk, motioning me to sit down across from him.

He typed a few things, clicked a few times and then looked up at me. "A daypass, huh? What for?"

I looked away shyly, afraid of being judged. The words came out whisper like; "I uh... I wanted to take Penelope somewhere."

When I looked up at him, I saw a small grin plastered on his face. "Like a... __date__?"

I shook my head, chuckling lightly before coming to realization again. "You and I both know it's to make the time she has left more bearable."

"Josie..."

"What?" I shrugged. "It's the truth, isn't it?"

"Well due to privacy policies I can't really say anything but I guess Penelope has told you everything..." he trailed off, averting his gaze to the computer screen.

I just nodded at him and waited for him to speak up again.

Soon, he did. "Okay, back to the daypass. Since Penelope's in a bad condition and it’s __again__  against policies, there will be someone watch over you two during the day, you know... from a distance. Question is, who do you want to watch over you?"

I shrugged at that. "Depends, who do I get to choose?"

He frowned as his eyes were fixated on the screen. "Let's see..." He then looked at me with yet another grin. "It's either me or Emma."

"110% you," I said without any doubt.

"Noted," he chuckled, moving on to the next question. "Where would you like to go?"

“Well... I was thinking of going to a museum,” I said, looking up at him to see his reaction. He just had had a serious expression though. I was unsure of what he thought of my idea. “Is it lame?”

He blinked a few times and then look up at me with a reassuring smile. “No, sorry. It’s really not... I actually think Penelope will like it.”

I felt the corners of my mouth go up. “You really think so?”

“Mhm,” he nodded, completely confident about it.

"I really hope she will..." I sighed, looking up at the clock on the wall and realizing I was running late for class. "I uh... I gotta get to class, am I gonna get the daypass?"

I was ready to stand up as he answered. "Definitely, and I'll be there to watch over you two. Now get to class."

"Thank you," I smiled at him, standing up and leaving the room.

I hurried to class, where everyone was already seated. Everyone's eyes were on me as I sat down on the only empty left spot; next to Penelope Park.

Penelope hung back in her chair, ignored me completely as she focused on Mr. Leigh. I didn't know why she chose to ignore me, but it did kind of give me mixed feelings. But then again, it was Penelope Park we're talking about.

"Good to have you here, Josie," Mr. Leigh greeted me with a smile, before continuing. "Future sketching presentations! Who'd like to go first?"

Silence.

Beside me I noticed Penelope sliding even further down her chair, hoping Mr. Leigh wouldn't see her.

But... he did.

"We got a volunteer! Penelope?"

“ _ _Fuck’s sake__ ,” I heard her scoff next to me.

She stood up from behind her desk, which costed her lots of effort already, and dragged her feet towards the front of class as the oxygen tank trailed behind her.

She sighed and averted her gaze towards Mr. Leigh. “What do you want me to do, __Aaron__?”

“To present your future sketching project in front of this class,” he motioned with his hand.

“Well... I don’t have some sort of powerpoint presentation if that’s what you want from me,” she shot back, looking completely done with this whole thing already

“That’s okay,” he told her. “You could just do without.”

“Fine,” she scoffed, averting her gaze back towards the class. For a second I noticed her looking at me, but before I even realized it, she looked away again. I wondered what was going on with her, I wondered if she was mad at me, or if she was just having a bad day. I hoped it was the last one.

“Are you gonna start or what?” I heard Noa yell from behind me.

Penelope rolled her eyes, trying to contain herself from giving out. She then started her presentation. "So uh... the point was to sketch your own future, right? Like where am I seeing myself in 5 to 10 years from now?" She let out a chuckle, shaking her head as she continued, "I could lie and sketch the perfect life for myself, but I think we all know that ain't gonna happen. See, most of you are dealing with disorders that only affect your brain but on top of dealing with something that affects my brain, I also deal with something that ruins my whole fucking body. Some of you don't know half of the shit I'm dealing with on a daily basis, you just assume, you just don't want to understand. My life has never been great, in fact I can't even remember the last time I felt _ _happy__. My lungs are basically dying, which means _ _I'm__  dying. Only a few weeks left, you know? And I never got to experience the feeling of true happiness. It saddens me, it makes me feel disappointed in myself, it makes me fear death even more, because what if all there is, is nothing? I-I don't know how to deal with it and it's messing with my brain. But to get to the point, where do I see myself in a few years?Well, Dead. Nowhere... Just. Fucking. __Dead__."

Just like everyone else, I was completely silent. I didn't know what to say, how to even look at her, or just make any sort of contact with her. What was I supposed to say? Or do?

Yes, it was tough, hard... maybe even cold, but this was the truth. This was her future. Hearing the words coming from her mouth, did make my heart ache more. It just suddenly sank in that the girl who had given me a feeling of happiness, comfort and butterflies, wouldn't be here anymore in a few weeks.

That conclusion made me __so__  scared.

Suddenly I heard the sound of slow claps. I turned my head to the sound, only to see my sister being the one to clap.

When all eyes were on her, she spoke up. "Boo-hoo."

Penelope sighed deeply and rolled her eyes at my sister. “What’s your fucking problem?”

“Just you,” Lizzie shrugged. “And how you’re acting so __pathetic__. Like we need to feel sympathy for you or something. Everyone dies sometime, someone probably decided your time is now.”

Everyone stared at my sister in disbelief. Did she actually just say that?

I was ready to open my mouth, but Penelope already shot something back at my sister. “You think so? How about I decide it’s your time to die __now?!__ ”

Penelope walked up towards my sister, who sat back in her chair. Mr. Leigh followed behind Penelope but before he could do something, Penelope pushed Lizzie to the ground... chair and all. Everyone watched as my sister’s head touched the ground with a loud thwack.

Mr. Leigh was ready to drag Penelope away from Lizzie, but Penelope shoved past him and angrily walked out of class.

Only one question roamed around in my head: __what the fuck__   _ _just happened?__

When Penelope was gone and my sister sat back in her chair again, I turned in her direction and raised an eyebrow at her. "Really, Lizzie?"

She just shrugged at me. "What?"

"That was cruel," I heard Hope say from the desk next to my sister.

My sister then turned to Hope. "It's none of your business, Mikaelson. Stay out of it."

Hope held her hands up in defense. "Fine."

In the meantime, Mr. Leigh had returned to his spot in front of class. "Maybe it's better if I dismiss the class for today. Are you guys okay with that?"

"Completely fine," Kaleb spoke loudly, being the first one to leave the classroom while MG quickly follow behind him.

As everyone else left too, I waited for my sister to appear. But before she did, Hope and Landon stopped in their tracks and turned to me.

"You coming to the movie room?" Hope asked nicely, with the soft smile she'd often wear on her face.

I then saw Lizzie walking out of the class and pointed at her while responding. "Let me talk to her first, I'll meet you guys after, okay?"

"Of course," Hope said, mouthing a 'good luck' as she left with Landon.

"Lizzie."

She turned around and sighed deeply, averting her eyes to me. "What, Josie?"

"Why do you always have to be so rude towards Penelope?" I asked her, cocking my eyebrow while doing so.

She shook her head and shrugged. "I've told you a million times before, Josie."

I frowned at that. "Yeah, but can't you see she's having a hard time?"

"And I don't?" she shot back angrily. "It's almost like I don't exist to you anymore. I'm your __sister__."

I didn't really know what to say. I realized the words had a hint of truth in them. "I-I know, Liz..."

"When did she become more important, huh?" she scoffed as I noticed her becoming rather emotional than angry.

"Because she needs someone right now, Lizzie. I'm starting to feel things for her, we're close, she gets me and I get her. It just feels... __good__. So for once, can you just let me be? We don't have much time left together and I'd like to get through those weeks without you bitching on about it."

Lizzie seemed taken aback by my rant and I noticed how she, for once, didn't have a response ready.

Moments later though, she did. "Fine. But don't turn to me for help once she's dead."

Before I could even say something, she was gone and I was left perplexed, not quite understanding how she could be so cruel.

I tried to shrug it off and made my way to the movie room. As I opened the door, I was met with five pairs of eyes; Hope, Landon, Rafael, Kaleb and MG.

"Hey guys," I smiled awkwardly, hearing them greet me right after.

Hope, Landon and Kaleb sat on the ground and I occupied the spot next to MG on the sofa. "So, what are we watching?"

"White chicks," MG said from beside me, while groaning in pain. I looked at him questioningly but he shrugged. "It could always be worse. sometimes I can't even get out of bed so..."

"Mhm," I nodded. "That must really suck."

"Definitely," he responded with an attempt to smile.

Right then, I felt my phone buzz in my backpocket. I unlocked the screen and opened the message.

 ** **penelope (2:54 pm):****   _ _hey jo. can you meet me in my room after dinner? i need to see you__

"Who're you texting?"

I looked up to meet Hope's eyes and shrugged. "Y'know... Penelope."

"Is she okay?" she asked me instantly.

"I don't know, she just asked me to come over after dinner," I responded as quietly as possible.

"Could you two like... take that convo elsewhere? We're tryna watch a movie here," Kaleb said with a grin on his face.

"Shut up," I chuckled at him, making the others laugh.

"It's not like you've watched this movie like twenty times already," Rafael chimed in, cocking his eyebrows.

Kaleb held up a finger and opened his mouth. "That's true."

"Do we have like a music room here or something?" Landon then suddenly asked, all pairs of eyes on him, including mine, as I was also curious to find out.

MG was the one to answer. "Yeah, we do. A small one. It hasn't been used since..."

"Olivia's death," Rafael stated.

I immediately felt bad for my curiosity. I didn't know why, but it being linked to someone's death, just didn't feel right.

"Oh..." Landon trailed off quietly.

And suddenly everything felt __really__  uncomfortable.

We decided to continue watching the movie. No one said anything, not even when the movie finished and Kaleb switched over to watching __how to get away with murder__.

It was after a little more than two hours until someone finally spoke up, it was Hope. "It's almost dinner time."

"Mhm," I heard Rafael confirm.

Beside me I noticed that MG had fallen asleep and Kaleb was still _ _really__  invested in watching his show.

Landon then stood up, pointing at the door. "I'm gonna take a smoke in the garden, anyone coming with?"

Everyone, even Hope, decided to pass. And I? Well, I decided to go with him.

"Guess I'll be your company, Landon."

He chuckled at that and kept the door open for me. We made our way to the garden and sat down on the familiar bench. Landon lit up a cigarette and took a deep drag.

I watched as he blew out the smoke. "How's it going with the addiction?"

He looked at me with a little grin. "Well this..." he motioned at the cigarette. "Not so well. But if we're talking about heroin, I'm still clean, so I guess it's going well."

"Well, I'm proud of you," I softly smiled at him.

"Thank you," he smiled back at me, taking another drag from his cigarette and looking around. "It's quite beautiful, isn't it?"

"Definitely."

We sat there for another minute or fifteen and decided to head to the cafeteria for dinner. After we got our plate, we joined the group who were already seated. I looked around me, noticing that Penelope wasn’t there.

My sister was seated at the end of the table next to Noa though. My eyes wandered over the table and I felt the corners of my mouth go up as I saw Hope eating a little bit of the food from her plate.

She was slowly making process and I couldn't be more proud. Step by step she would make it, I was sure of it.

After I had taken my time to eat my dinner and have some conversations with everyone, I decided leave the cafeteria and head to Penelope's room.

It only took me a two minute walk to get to her room. I felt... nervous. What was she going to say? Was she okay? Did I do something wrong?

I was scared to find out.

I took in a deep breath before softly knocking on the door.

“It’s open.”

I quietly pushed the door open, only to find Penelope sitting against the wall, tears rolling down her face as she just stared right ahead of her.

I didn’t think about it for a second and immediately rushed to her side, throwing my arms around her in an embrace. I felt how she nuzzled her face in my neck and just kept on crying.

I held her as tightly as I could, hoping it would give her the comfort she needed right now. By the time she had stopped crying, my sweater was wet from her tears. She silently pulled away from me, leaned back against the wall and looked at me with guilt. “Sorry.”

“Shh, Don’t say that,” I spoke softly, putting a hand atop of her knee as I mimicked her position. “It’s all okay. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

She shook her head, trying to fight against the tears, but not being able to stop them from falling. “I-It’s coming closer and closer... I just don’t know what to do. How can people just be at peace with death? Isn’t it the most terrifying thing ever?”

I attentively listened to her, not quite knowing how to respond. But I tried, “I know it’s terrifying. We could all just be gone in a blink. You exist and then you just don’t. It’s easier said than done, but maybe it’s good to just do everything in your power to stop your brain from thinking these next few weeks or, I don’t know, try to create your own vision on how you want to leave this world, what comes next... maybe it’ll be easier once you look at it a little more brightly. I-I’m just trying to help, but know that I’m scared too, I’m __so__  scared of losing you, Penelope.”

She looked at me with a sad smile and I was one-hundred percent sure I did something wrong, but all she said was, “Thank you for listening... and being here.”

“Always,” I whispered, trying to fight against my own tears from falling.

“Even after my last breath?” she then asked me with a whisper I could barely hear.

I intertwined her fingers with my own and squeezed it softly, looking away as I responded. “Even then.”

I didn’t show her the tears that fell as we sat there in silence, both knowing all days counted right now, both knowing everyday could be her last and both __not__ knowing how to deal with that. 

I prayed, hoped and begged that we’d soon know how to deal with it, before it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's me again. thank you for reading this chapter and until the next one! (:  
> august 19th // sorry for barely updating this story anymore... I'm just having a really hard time finding the inspiration these days and i'm busy working on myself and my health. once i find the inspiration, i'll make sure you guys will be the first one i'll share it with. it will come soon x


	14. daypass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally!! there's the daypass chapter. sorry for the veeeery long wait, i just didn't have any inspiration and wrote this today; suddenly having tons of inspiration. i hope you guys enjoy this one. there's not that much angst and is more of a cute one. so eh... yeah, enjoy (:

A few days had passed. It was a Friday morning, but not just like any other Friday... today was daypass day, which meant I got to spend a whole day alone with Penelope.

In those few days, nothing special had happened. Breakfast, class, group sessions, movie times, garden times, dinner, sleeping... it all went by in a blink.

That conclusion actually scared me though. Because as more days passed, the more days of Penelope still being alive decreased.

I hadn't really seen Penelope around the past few days, we texted back and forth, but every time I asked her to meet up, she told me she couldn't handle it.

Waking up today, I felt anxious, afraid of being let down by her again. She wasn't at breakfast and hadn't replied to my text from last night, while in a short amount of time, we had to check in with Ethan before we left.

I suddenly felt a bump against my shoulder and looked aside, only to be met with Hope's questioning eyes. "What's going on?"

I looked at her in confusion. "What? Why?"

She pointed at my tray. "You haven't eaten one bit. You okay?"

I looked at my tray, indeed finding out I hadn't eaten... at all. I just shrugged. "I was just thinking."

"Alright, Saltzman," Hope chuckled, flashing me a small smile.

After I had finally eaten my breakfast, I went outside to get some air. There was no one else in the garden, so I decided to sit down on the all too familiar bench.

The bright colours of flowers were a lovely sight. Somehow the garden felt really peaceful to me.

I then felt my phone buzz.

I got my phone from out of my back pocket and it showed one new message from Penelope. As it often did, my heart began racing.

 ** **penelope (9:56 am):****   _goodmorning jojo. today is going to be absolutely amazing. can't wait to see you again. what time should i come get you?_

I smiled down at my phone. She wanted to walk me to Ethan? As if she couldn't get any more special. I texted her the time and locked my phone, sighing deeply as I looked out over the garden.

After a while of sitting out at the garden, I decided to get back to my room. As I opened the door, I noticed that the room was empty. Hope was nowhere to be seen.

I sighed and climbed on top of my bed as I let myself fall down on my back, looking up at the ceiling. I came to the conclusion that time would pass by dreading slow with no one around.

That's when I decided to text Penelope again.

 ****(10:22 am):** ** __i_ s it weird that i'm nervous to see you again? _

I facepalmed myself after sending that text, _really Josie?_

Moments later though, I received a text back.

 ****penelope (10:24 am):** ** _i somehow am nervous too... maybe that's just how we make each other feel_

 ** **penelope (10:25 am):****   _fuck i'm so stupid_  

I frowned at that, not quite sure what she meant with that last text.

 ** _ _(10:27 am):__**   _why? you said nothing but the truth pen :)_

I immediately received another text and it was as if I could hear her sigh in relief, without her even being around.

 ** **penelope (10:28 am):****   _whew, i'm happy you still feel the same way x_

That caused me to frown again. _Why wouldn't I?_

 ****(10:30 am):**  ** _maybe we should talk about this today, okay?_

It was a few minutes later when I finally got a response. All she said was _okay_ and I wondered if I had done something wrong, but decided to just leave the text on read and talk about it once we'd go to Ethan.

A knock on the door a few minutes later scared the shit out of me. This had to be Penelope.

I got out of bed, looked in the mirror to fix my clothes and hair and then turned to the door. I took a deep breath of courage before opening the door, revealing a startled looking Penelope with her arms crossed over her chest as she leaned onto the wall.

Her eyes wandered up and down, until they finally reached my eyes.

" _Whoah_ ," was all she said as she blinked a few times.

I smiled awkwardly. "Is it that bad?"

She immediately shook her head. "No. _God_ , no. You just... you look absolutely beautiful."

I could feel my cheeks heat up as she spoke the words and I shyly looked away. She then placed her thumb and index finger under my chin and moved my face to look at her.

All I could do was bite my lip while chuckling from the inside, avoiding any attempt of eye contact as I did so.

She laughed softly as she removed her fingers from under my chin. She quickly leaned in and placed a kiss on my cheek, sending millions of butterflies through my body. She looked absolutely gorgeous, her was hair down and she wore a jumpsuit, covered by a long beige coat.

"Let's get to Ethan," she said, pushing my back softly as we started walking, the oxygen tank trailing behind her as we wandered through the hallways.

Sometimes I'd forget that she only had a little while left on this earth, but this reminded me all over again how _soon_  would not be soon anymore, soon would become a week, a few days, a few... hours, minutes, seconds and then? Then she'd be gone. _Forever._

\-----------

Ethan was already waiting for us at the reception, waving at us when he saw us.

"Ready?" he asked us with a bright smile as a backpack hung over his shoulder.

"More than ever," I heard Penelope say from beside me.

Her excitement made the corners of my mouth go up in a smile, I wanted to make today special. It's what she deserved.

We walked out of the building and immediately could step in to a taxi bus. Ethan let us go first and then stepped into the vehicle himself. We all greeted the driver as I sat down next to Penelope and Ethan sat down on the seat in front of us.

The whole way to the museum it was extremely quiet. Penelope didn’t say anything and while Ethan tried to, nothing much came from us two.

It was after a thirty minute drive when we finally arrived in front of the museum. Penelope looked at it with wide eyes and then turned to me, “We’re going to a _museum_?”

I nodded at that. “Yup.”

As we stepped out of the taxi bus, Ethan leaned in to my ear and said: “Told you she’d like it.”

“Shut up,” I chuckled, pushing him away from me.

Penelope, who walked in front of us, turned around questioningly. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” we both said at the same time.

Penelope just shook her head and Ethan and I tried to repress our laughter. We then arrived at the entrance of the museum.

A nice guy scanned the tickets Ethan handed to him and we were allowed to go through. “Have a good one!” The guy said as we walked past him.

We left our coats at the cloakroom. Ethan pointed at the restaurant right beside the entrance of the exhibitions. “I’m going to spend the rest of the day there, doing some administration work. If something happens, call me and I’ll be there right away. Got it?”

Penelope and I both nodded in response and Ethan clapped his hands together, flashing us a genuine smile. “Good. Now go and have fun.”

“Thanks Ethan, really. For making this possible, for guiding us through this I-”

Ethan cut me off and motioned with his hand for us to go. “It’s no problem, really. Don’t waste your time thanking me and use your time to spend it together. Go, go, go.”

Penelope and I both laughed and waved at him as we walked towards the entrance of the exhibitions. The first exhibition we saw was from the artist Oliver Lee Jackson. It were quite colourful and abstract paintings and I noticed how Penelope had her focus all on them.

My focus was only on her though.

We continued to walk towards another exhibition and Penelope seemed to have the time of her life. Every few seconds she’d say something like “ _Jojo, look at that_ ” “ _Isn’t it beautiful_ ” “ _Thank you so much for taking me here_ ”, and on and on it went.

It warmed my heart seeing her like this, as did her gratefulness. It seemed like we both forgot about our conversation earlier today... but maybe nothing was even wrong, so I decided to just let it be.

As we wandered through the hallways of the museum and saw hundreds of painting, I suddenly felt a touch near my hand. I looked down, saw and felt how Penelope intertwined our fingers together. Her smile was bright, as was the sun that shined through the windows, lighting up the oxygen tank that trailed behind her.

Once again, the realization hit me that this could be her last time away from Westport. It hit me that after today I’d might never see her this happy and carefree again. It felt like my soul froze at that thought. I couldn’t feel anything.

I felt my eyes close as flashes of that night shot through my brain. My father, the gunshot, the blood, the screams, the-

“Jojo, you okay?”

I came back to reality and was met with Penelope’s worried eyes. I felt her hands on my shoulders.

I shook my head and ran a hand over my face as I let out a really deep sigh. “I’m sorry. I just...”

“You just what?”

“I...”

But nothing else came out.

I felt Penelope drag me to the nearest sofa that was placed in some sort of cove. She looked at me worriedly and I didn’t know what to say.

“What’s wrong?” she then asked me softly.

I couldn’t repress my tears and started bawling my eyes out. “W-What if this is the last day....I-I’ll see you l-like this? What am I su...supposed to do when you’re g-gone? I can’t lose yet another person that I...”

I didn’t want to say that word, so instead I said something else. “That I care about.”

The tears fell down as I looked up at her and I saw how she had to do everything in her power to prevent herself from crying. I felt her thumbs under my eyes, wiping away the tears that rolled down.

I noticed people looking at us weirdly as we had this intimate moment, but I couldn’t care less right now.

Our foreheads touched as she whispered, “Let’s just enjoy today, okay? Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow, we should live in the now.”

“Okay.”

It barely came out as a whisper, but she did hear it and placed a comforting hand on my knee. I pulled away, breathing in and out deeply as I wiped away my tears.

We looked at each other and I found myself trying to smile at her. “Let’s go again, shall we?”

“We shall,” she chuckled, immediately intertwining our fingers again as we stood up and continued our walk through the exhibitions.

We made the best of it; making jokes about the paintings or admiring them, making weird faces at each other, shoving _the gay_ down other people’s throats and just casually enjoying each others presence.

Quite some time had passed when we came to the last exhibition. It was Vincent van Gogh’s.

Penelope’s eyes went wide as we entered the exhibition. “ _Vincent van Gogh?!_ ”

A few people turned their heads and looked at her with annoyance. When they had their attention back to the paintings, Penelope and I quietly burst out in laughter.

As the exhibition hall became less crowded, we could finally see the paintings clearer. Penelope took her time to see every detail and had the most beautiful smile plastered over her face. 

“Look,” Penelope said, pointing at one of the paintings. The tag next to it said _Starry Night over the Rhone, 1888 _. “__ Starry night... it’s from the song, _Vincent_.”

I looked at her in confusion. “I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She began to sing a little part of the song. “ _Starry, starry night, paint your pallete blue and grey..._ ”

Trying to ignore how much I loved her singing voice and what it did to my heart, I just shrugged. “Still no idea.”

“Josie... really?” she exclaimed, shaking her head in the process. “It’s Vincent by Don Mclean? The song about Van Gogh?”

“Never heard of it,” I said, smiling awkwardly at her as I did so.

“It’s my favourite song,” Penelope stated, refocusing her gaze on the painting.

“I bet it’s beautiful....” I trailed off, looking at the painting.

“Don’t finish that sentence,” she said, looking at me from the corner of her eye.

I did it though. “ _Just like you_.”

“Josette Saltzman, I’m going to _kill_ you,” Penelope spoke, raising her voice. I began to ran as I heard her follow behind me. But... I knew I’d be faster.

I laughed hysterically as I ran through the hallways, Penelope following a few meters behind me. Suddenly I was stopped by a hand and looked up to meet an angry pair of eyes.

“You’re not allowed to run here,” the security guard spoke, raising an eyebrow at me.

“I uh... I’m sorry,” I awkwardly said, noticing Penelope’s heavy breathing behind me.

“Yeah... don’t do it again or I’ll kick out the both of you.”

He then turned around and left.

I ran a hand over my face in shame and then looked at Penelope, who was trying hard to breathe steadily.

“Fuck, I’m sorry....” I apologized, softly rubbing her back.

“It’s fine,” she said, waving it off. “I shouldn’t have went after you.”

After waiting for a few minutes hoping Penelope would catch her breath again, she finally did. We exited the exhibition and were back right where we started; the restaurant.

My eyes searched for Ethan and when I finally found him, I waved at him, hoping he’d notice. Moments later, he did.

He packed up his laptop and notebook and threw his backpack over his shoulder, making his way towards us. Once he did, he looked at us enthusiastically. “So, enjoyed it?”

“One hundred percent,” Penelope smiled at him and I nodded in agreement.

“Good to hear,” he said, pointing at Penelope after. “Did everything go alright?”

She eyed me quickly, but decided not to talk about the running _or_  my little breakdown. “Yes, everything went completely fine.”

“Good,” Ethan smiled. “I thought that maybe we could close off the day with a dinner at a restaurant here in the city? I’ll just take a table for one close to you guys and you two can have some more time alone.”

“Sounds perfect,” I spoke as Penelope just nodded.

We followed Ethan outside and made our way through the streets, trying to find a restaurant. After a few minutes, Ethan stopped in front of one. “Does Italian sound good to you guys?”

Once we agreed, Ethan entered the restaurant and talked to a waiter there. He first showed Ethan his table and then walked us towards ours. Once we had taken our seats, he grabbed a small notebook and pen. “Do you guys want anything to drink?”

“I’d like a cola light,” I smiled at him. He immediately wrote it down and looked at Penelope, who in her turn looked like she’d seen a ghost.

“Ma’am?” the waiter asked her again impatiently.

“Uh yes... a glass of water please,” Penelope said as she awkwardly tried to smile at him.

Once he had jotted the drinks down, he handed us the menu cards and walked away. Penelope instantly let out a deep sigh and shook her head, moving her oxygen tank to under the table.

“What’s up, Pen?”

She ran a hand through her hair. “I can’t believe that after all these years I still feel anxious when someone wants to take my order at a restaurant... it’s horrible.”

“Hey,” I started, placing my hand atop of hers. “It’s all okay. I’m sure he often has customers with you know... a little more complications. He won’t lie awake at night thinking back to this, so you shouldn’t either. At least, try to.”

She looked at me gratefully and flashed me a genuine smile. “Thank you, Jojo.”

The waiter then returned with our drinks and had his notebook and pen ready again. “Decided anything yet?”

“Yes,” I said, reading over the menu as I did so. “I’d like the spaghetti alla puttanesca.”

He jotted it down and then turned his gaze towards Penelope. “Ma’am?”

“I’d like the same,” she said, bursting out in laughter as the waiter walked away after getting our orders.

“Why are you even laughing?” I laughed along, still not quite sure why we were laughing.

“I hadn’t even read the menu... so I just ordered the same,” she laughed, glancing at the bar.

I shook my head in laughter. “What if you don’t like it?”

“Then it’s his fault,” Penelope said, pointing at the waiter who was at the bar.

Minutes later the waiter arrived with our dishes. “There you go. Enjoy.”

We both thanked him and watched him walk away.

“Enjoy,” I said as I took my first bite and closed my eyes in pleasure. My mouth was full as I spoke up again. “It’s so good.”

I watched as Penelope took her first bite and looked at her questioningly.

“It’s actually good,” she stated, chuckling lightly after.

“Hell yes,” I let out, raising my voice as I held my hands, with a knife and fork in them, up.

Yet again, people started looking at us and I met Ethan’s eyes in the process. I saw him laugh and put up a thumb in our direction.

Penelope and I then ate our dinner, both getting some Italian ice cream after. In the process of eating her ice cream, Penelope spoke up. “Josie?”

“Mhm?” I asked, eating some more ice cream.

“Thank you so much for today. I felt so free, happy and I don’t know... loved? This is a day I’ll forever remember and I can’t believe I got to spend it with you.”

As they often did when Penelope would say something like this, the corners of my mouth moved up into a smile again and I moved my hand to hers atop of the table, intertwining our fingers. “You don’t _ever_ have to thank me. You made this day so special and I could see how much you enjoyed it. That was all I wanted for you today... to feel _happy_.”

She lifted my hand towards her mouth and placed a soft kiss on top of it. She just _had_ to be this cute, did she?

Once we finished our whole dinner, we left the restaurant with Ethan. The taxi bus was already there and took us back to Westport. Penelope and I both thanked Ethan for today and both gave him a hug. It was almost time for lights out, so Penelope decided to walk me back to my room.

We came to a stop at the door of my room and I leaned my back against the door, Penelope standing in front of me. She ran a hand through her hair in nervousness. “So...”

“So...” I repeated, letting out a nervous chuckle.

“Thank you... again. For today. I loved it,” she smiled at me, crossing her arms over her chest in the process.

“Again,” I started. “Don’t thank me.”

Our eyes met and we held each other’s stare. I didn’t know why this  _always_  happened when we’d stare at each other, but my heart was racing like crazy.

Penelope took a step closer and placed her hands on the sides of my face. “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

I gave her an assuring nod. My body immediately filled up with nerves. I was _so_  nervous, but I wanted nothing more than this.

The moment came closer as she started to lean in. I closed my eyes before finally feeling her lips on mine. I was completely dumbfounded and just... froze. Just as I started to reciprocate her movements, someone shouted _"lights out!"_

I grabbed the end of her neck and pulled her in closer, if that was even possible. The kiss felt so much more passionate than our first one and I went so completely lost in it, that I didn’t notice the tubes by her nose. A sting of sadness flowed through my body once she decided to pull away.

I just stood there and so did she. She bit her lip before looking up at me again. I knew she was about to say goodbye, so I did what I wanted to do for a long time... I walked up to her and threw my arms around her in an embrace. Moments later I felt how her arms closed around my body and I quietly nuzzled my face in her neck.

After a minute or two, I pulled away from her. The smile on my face was one I hadn't ever had before.

“Goodnight, Penelope.”

“Goodnight, Josie.”

She slowly turned around. The oxygen tank trailed behind her as she walked out of the hallway, the evening light shining down on her. I smiled to myself, trying to live in the now and realizing how much this girl meant to me. Maybe... just _maybe_ , I was in love with Penelope Park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cute, huh? until the next one!


	15. broken

****trigger warning // mentions of suicide, death, self harm and addiction** **

****Josie's p.o.v** **

"So," Emma started as we all, uncomfortably, sat in a circle. "Today's all about sharing stories."

I immediately rolled my eyes at that, really not being in the mood for group therapy today. And clearly, everyone else wasn't really in the mood either.

Emma's eyes scanned the room and landed on Landon. "Landon?"

He blinked a few times, sitting upright from next to Hope. "Uh yeah?"

"Would you mind sharing your story with us?" Emma asked, smiling politely.

Landon frowned at that. "About why I'm... here?"

Emma nodded in response as Landon sighed deeply before deciding to share his story. "Where do I start... Well, I guess one of the reasons why I'm here is because I don't really have anyone. Both of my parents passed away like four years ago. I started doing drugs, shots, dealing... until one day I almost overdosed. I got sent to rehab, where they discovered I also dealt with a bipolar disorder. One moment I was manic, the next I wanted to hurt myself in any way possible. It took me more than a year to become clean, which I am four months now, and uh yeah... ever since they transferred me to here."

It was quiet for a few seconds until Emma decided to speak up. "Thank y-"

"And you know what?" Landon cut her off. "A year ago I thought this what it, that an overdose would be my end, that I'd never get better and that I'd never be able to accept my parents' death. Step by step I've made progress though and I'm slowly doing better. I don't know how to feel here, since I've only really connected with one person here." He quickly looked over at Hope, who in her turn, placed a hand over his. He flashed her a grateful smile before continuing. "I'm sorry I can be a pain in the ass with my bipolar behavior, but I guess we all have something to deal with here. So uh yeah... thanks for listening."

This time Emma wasn't cut off by Landon and after a small round of applause, she decided to thank him. "Thank you for sharing your story with us, Landon. Let this be an example on how open you can be to everyone here, these group therapy sessions are for us to get to know each other better, to understand each other and to lift each other up. Hopefully, more of you will start taking this seriously."

"I know one person who doesn't take this seriously..." Lizzie then interrupted.

"Lizzie not n-"

"I mean..." Lizzie continued. "Is _Lucifer_  ever here?"

I had to repress myself from going off at her, but after hearing her go on about Penelope, I just had to say something. "Can you stop?"

My sister turned to me, laughing in disbelief. "I'm sorry... are you defending her, _again_?"

It just always had to turn out into a fight. _Always._  

So for now, I was glad that Emma decided to interrupt us, before I would _really_  lose my shit.

“Ladies, enough for now. Why uh... why don’t we try another story?” she turned her head towards Noa and nodded. “Noa?”

Noa rolled her eyes from beside Lizzie, and put the long sleeves from her hoodie all over her hands. I wondered why she did... but maybe she was just cold.

She had a sad look in her eyes when she looked up at Emma. “Do I really have to?”

Emma gave her an encouraging nod. “Yes. You have nothing to be afraid of, everything you share will stay between these walls, between these people, who all go through similar things as you do.”

Noa sighed deeply, looking around the group before speaking up again. “Can you like... help me by asking questions? I’m not good at doing this... _myself_?”

“Yes, of course,” Emma softly smiled at her. “Why don’t you start by telling us how it all began?”

I noticed how Noa started to fumble with her fingers, looking up at my sister as she placed her hand atop of Noa’s shaky ones. “You got this,” I heard my sister whisper, as everyone else looked at them in silence.

“I... I guess it all started when my sister suddenly passed away. Uh... she was seventeen at the time, I was thirteen. She played football at the national team u17’s and had potential to become one of the best. She gave everything, she kept on going, kept on improving herself until one day she.... she collapsed on the field and, she uh... she immediately passed away. They said it was a heart attack. I never got to say goodbye and you know... suddenly it was me and my mom, all on our own.”

She wiped away a few tears with the sleeve of her hoodie and looked up at Emma again, who in her turn, flashed her a comforting smile before continuing. “I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to lose your sister, and for your mom and yourself to just keep on going after such a loss. How did the grieving process go?”

“Horribly,” Noa sighed. “My mom couldn’t deal with the loss, started drinking like the whole world had died. Since I was only thirteen I didn’t know how the _fuck_  to deal with it. Kids at school laughed at me and kept on reminding me how _dead_  my sister was, when I came home I had to deal with a drunk mother, or one who was passed out. The first few weeks I could put up with it, you know? But after a few weeks, I just lost it. I started to get to me...”

Everyone just stared at her when she slowly pulled up her sleeves and showed her skin. There were scars everywhere. My whole body ached at the sight, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for her.

“Did you feel like that was your only escape?” MG then suddenly asked out of nowhere.

Again, Noa looked at Emma, who in her turn gave an approving nod to the question. Everyone was being so serious, so understanding and everyone just... _listened._ We hadn’t had a group session like this before but it finally felt worth something.

Noa then decided to answer the question. “Not necessarily. It was more of an... urge? I didn’t have a father, didn’t have any friends, lost my sister and was slowly losing my mother while barely even being able to take care of myself in the process. Maybe I just wanted the pain, the relief, the... blood? I don’t know why, but I did it. And I hid it, I did _everything_  to hide it. Until one day I came home and she decided to beat me up in a drunken state. She smashed an empty bottle of vodka against my head, laughed at me, humiliated me and told me everything was my fault. I waited and waited that night... until she passed out. I-I...I dragged myself to my bedroom. I didn’t even write a letter to say goodbye, no, I just did it and before I knew it I woke up in a hospital bed.”

It was dead silent after she finished the next part of her story.

While Lizzie was softly rubbing Noa’s back, Rafael sighed deeply and shook his head. “My heart hurts for you.”

“Mine too, man.” Kaleb said, wiping away a tear that had left his eye.

When her eyes met mine, I flashed her a sad smile, not being able to show any form of emotion, since all it did, was completely paralyze my feelings.

After Noa had seemed to put herself back together again, Emma asked her to finish the story, and so she did. “They told me my mother had been arrested for abusing me, that I’d survived my suicide attempt and that I’d be sent to Westport. After having been in the hospital for three weeks, I got sent here and I haven’t seen my mother ever since. But you know, it’s okay, because I’ve made so much progress in the two years I’ve been here so far.” She looked up at all of us one last time before putting an end to her story. “Thank you for listening. I guess it felt good to share this with you guys.”

Right after, a round of applause sounded and everyone went over to give Noa a well deserved hug. I was the last one to do so.

“I’m here for you,” I whispered, before letting her go.

She smiled at me gratefully before I left the therapy session room and went to my own room.

When I opened the door, I already saw Hope sitting on the edge of her bed. She looked up at me with a sad smile and I felt the need to sit next to her and just comfort her. She placed her head on my shoulder and I softly rubbed her back.

“That was such an exhausting session,” she sighed. “I’m drained.”

“I know...” I agreed with a hint of sadness. “You suddenly start to realize how everyone has a story... it makes me wonder how I’m here while everyone has such a traumatic past.”

Hope looked at me in confusion. “What? No. What you experienced is like one of the most traumatic things someone could ever experience in their lives. You have every right to be here, you have every right to feel awful about it. You haven’t been diagnosed for nothing, Josie.”

I just shrugged at that. “I guess... Thank you.”

“We have each other, okay?” she told me, placing a reassuring hand on my knee.

We just sat there together. In silence, comforting each other.

That was until I received a text message from my sister.

****Lizzie (3:57 PM):****   _can we talk?_

I wanted to reply, but before I could even do that, I received another text message.

****Lizzie (3:57 PM):****   _no... wait. we NEED to talk. meet me at the garden in five minutes_

Meanwhile, Hope had lied down in bed, looking up at me questioningly as I sat there. “Who’s that?”

I rolled my eyes and sighed deeply. “Lizzie. She wants to talk.”

“I guess it’s about Penelope huh?”

“Since it’s the only thing she ever wants to talk to me about... Yes, I think so.”

I stood up from the bed, making my way to leave the room.

“Good luck,” Hope said before I opened the door. “You’ll need it.”

“Thanks,” I sighed, closing the door behind me and hurrying to make it to the garden in time.

Once I got there, I saw my sister standing as far away as possible from the entrance. I walked up to her and once she noticed me, she turned around, looking extremely pissed. “Good. You’re here.”

“Yeah...” I started, anxiety filling up my body as I met her eyes. “What’d you wanna talk about?”

She crossed her arms over her chest, almost laughing at me for asking that question. “We’ve had this conversation before and I’m willing to give you one more chance.”

I looked at her in confusion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

That’s when she started laughing dramatically. Shaking her head as she continued talking, “A while ago I told you how you were dead to me if you’d keep on hanging around with that monster. You remember that, right?”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded.

“Well. I need you to leave her. I need you to just stop talking to her, not hang around her anymore... just have _nothing_  to do with her.”

I scoffed at her in disbelief. “You don’t even know what you’re asking me to do here, Lizzie.”

“Oh,” she started laughing again. “I’m not asking you, you have no choice.”

Wait... _what_? What was she even trying to accomplish here?

“What do you mean, I have _no choice_...?”

“You think this is what dad would’ve wanted? How you’re neglecting me? How I’m alone, all the time. How you’ve barely even checked up on me ever since you got here? Lucifer is making you do this, you used to be so caring, you used to be there for me. I feel like I’ve lost you, _Josie_.”

“Don’t you dare play the dad card, Lizzie.” I raised my voice, pointing a finger at her chest. “You weren’t even there when he died. I’d been taking care of you my whole life and you weren’t there. I had to grief all _alone._ Maybe you don’t understand this, because you have no fucking feelings, but Penelope is here for me. She helps me. She makes me feel loved. It’s something you don’t care about, because you only care about _yourself_.”

“ _Myself_?” she started yelling at me. “I’m trying to protect you here, Josette. She’ll be your death, she’ll make you feel so empty, that you won’t know what do with yourself anymore. You’ve heard what happened to Olivia, _right_? It’ll happen to you too, unless you step away from her _now_.”

“And what if I don’t?” I snapped back at her angrily.

“Then you’re dead to me, Josie. _Dead_. And I’ll do literally _anything_  to tear you two apart. Even if I have to make her dying process go faster, I’m capable of it and you know it. They won’t even notice it was me... and if they did, they’d just blame it on my illness. You have no choice.”

I was lost for words. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do. She wouldn’t do this, _right_? She would never. Or _did_ she? She had been close to killing someone, maybe even twice. Was I willing to risk everything on what I felt for Penelope? What if Lizzie would actually be capable of this?

I had to protect Penelope.

And the only way I would be able to do that, was by cutting her off from my life. All in the hope that my sister would leave her alone.

Yeah sure... I could tell someone here about how she threatened with this. But who would believe me? There was no evidence of it, only my words against hers.

That’s why I decided to put an end to this, even if it meant I’d break my own heart and even if it meant breaking Penelope's heart.

\----------

I didn’t see Penelope at dinner. She hadn’t even sent me a text today; not when I asked her how she was doing, where she was at, or if we could see each other.

I had no other option then to check her room.

So, later that night before lights out, I quietly made my way towards her room. I took a really deep breath, felt the anxiety flowing through my body and felt nauseous at the thought of what I was going to tell her.

But before I knew it, I had opened the door, quickly closing it behind me and pushing my back against it when I saw Penelope looking up at me in confusion.

“Josie? What are you... what are you doing here? And why do you look like you’ve just seen a ghost?”

I just completely froze in my spot. I had no idea what to say.

Penelope only got more confused. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

I was far from okay. I had to tell her that we needed to end this. I had to break her heart and break my own too. But it was all to protect her, right?

I closed my eyes, taking another deep breath and walked up to Penelope, who sat upright in her bed. She patted the free spot beside her and I quietly sat down, avoiding any eye contact.

Because I didn’t say anything, Penelope decided to break the silence. “I’m sorry you didn’t hear from me today. My mother came to visit and so did a few doctors, they took some tests and checked up on me. I uh... I fell asleep right after and literally just woke up.”

I then met her eyes. They looked worried, but also had a hint of happiness in them, if that was even possible. “It’s okay,” I told her. “I came here to tell you something.”

But nothing came out. I felt so horrible for doing this. I felt so horrible for treating her like this. I couldn’t hold back the tears once I felt her reach out for my hand.

She intertwined our fingers, gently pushing a stroke of hair behind my ear with her other hand. “What’s going on, Jojo?”

I don’t even remember saying it, it just left my mouth. “We need to put an end to this.”

She immediately pulled her hand away from mine, looking at me so confused, desperate and angry that I started to feel even more horrible.

“W-Why?”

I used my hands to push myself from off the bed and stood up, facing her while tears rolled down my face. “You’re not good for me.”

I saw her eyebrows furrowing, her breathing becoming heavy and noticed how she tried to hold back the tears. “Who’s making you say this? _Your sister_?”

I crossed my arms over my chest, shaking my head and immediately regretting what I said next. “No. What we’re doing isn’t healthy. I don’t love you, you were just here when I needed someone. It’s toxic.”

“What the _fuck_ , Josie?” she started yelling. “How can you say this? After everything we’ve been through, after putting all our trust into each other, after that day at the museum? We’re far from toxic, what do you even mean?”

My heart sank into my stomach as I processed the words. I was being disgusting, literally _disgusting_. She’d never forgive me for this.

I closed my eyes again, pulling myself together as I spoke the next few words. “Just forget about me, about us. We never should’ve been together.”

I turned around and made my way towards the door. My hand was on the doorknob as I heard her yell behind me. “You can’t do this to me, Josie!”

I opened the door and said one last thing to her before closing it and leaving her behind.

“I’m sorry.”

I walked away, I tried to, but after a few seconds I collapsed on the ground. I couldn’t breathe, I sobbed so loud that everyone in the building could probably hear me and then, then I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I was completely broken.

This was what you wanted. _Right, Lizzie Saltzman?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took me waaaaay too long to write this one. i'm so sorry guys. my mental state has probably been at its worst ever and i'm figuring so much shit out right now, it's A LOT. but... the past few days i've been getting so much inspiration that i just had to write. an angsty chapter, bad things are coming, or good things? we'll see. thank you for reading and take care of yourselves <3  
> also - i'm writing another fic. it's about elle & helena from the society. two chapters are up now and it'd mean the world if you'd check it out. thank you!


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